Dealing with a 17yo with Aspergers

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Surfman
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08 Mar 2011, 7:01 am

ScottyNZ wrote:

Hi guys, first time poster.

First let me explain my situation, I have recently been employed by a couple to try help there 17 year old son with Aspergers. I did not know a thing about Aspergers until last week .............

Professionally trained clinicians have little to offer aspies unless they are specifically trained in dealing with aspergers.

You may go off half cocked and make matters worse.

ScottyNZ
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08 Mar 2011, 6:25 pm

The family is aware of my limited skills with this issue, but I have been working with youth for years now, but this is so far a big challenge.

KBerg
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08 Mar 2011, 7:06 pm

Surfman wrote:

ScottyNZ wrote:

Professionally trained clinicians have little to offer aspies unless they are specifically trained in dealing with aspergers.

You may go off half cocked and make matters worse.

Well on the plus side a lot of professionally trained clinicians who know a little bit about AS can be so clueless, rude, and condescending that having a blank slate on what it's like can be considered a very nice plus in your favor since you haven't latched on to what your textbook told you must be true of every person with Aspergers even when a living subject right in front of you is totally different.

The one advice I can give is be patient. Interpersonal stuff tends to takes a bit longer for us, so treat any progress as good, but don't get discouraged in the same amount of time as with a non-AS person. You may have to give him a bit more time and move slowly. Build on what he likes, connect through what he enjoys doing and see if you can expand from there but expect it to be difficult. Special interests are our sanctuaries, if we're withdrawn into them it's probably because we don't feel we can handle what lies outside of them very well. Pushing someone too hard out of their sanctuary, while working wonders with some normal kids I'm sure, may be very risky for someone with AS.

Skepkat
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08 Mar 2011, 9:59 pm

I'm not sure if this is typical of others with AS, but I get very annoyed with obvious efforts to boost self esteem. For instance, at work they give certificates to just about everyone. It reminds me of the little kids sports teams where everyone gets a trophy.

I've thought about it a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want the proverbial pat on the back. To me, it feels patronizing. I know when I've done a good job. Rather than generic compliments, I'd rather get recognition for the effort and time put into a project and specific positive comments on the finished products (comments that show you know what the heck your talking about).

This may be just me.

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jojobean
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08 Mar 2011, 10:23 pm

getting him off the Xbox while mom has cancer is a bad idea. Tell parrents that wrong planet aspies say so

He needs his special interest for his sanity...they center him and keep his focused off of all the stress in his life. Without that he will have the mother of all meltdowns. At least that is my experience.

Dont push the socialization...keep it focused on his interest. and at times of high stress, special intrests are a life saver. If he wants to say anything else then let him say it when he is ready.

If he dont wanna talk...dont force it. He NEEDS to be within himself to understand what is going on and be in his safe place while he tries to understand it all.

NT parents do more harm than good by trying to make their kids normal during a crisis situation instead of letting their little aspie cope the best way they can. They are expecting too much of him right now.

Also as far as the eating goes, they can buy him a high quality, high calorie meal replacement that he can get from a prescription.
This way he can still get all the nutrition he needs while he is unable to eat much.

but agreed with the other poster that said if he is taller than 5'5" that he needs medical introvention. They may have to put him in the hospital and tube feed him.

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ScottyNZ
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09 Mar 2011, 4:46 am

You guys are being so helpful, we had a pretty good day today. His mother needed some alone time so we had to get out of the house. I brought him to my house and we both just chilled and played some games, he was happy enough and even made himself some crackers for lunch.

ssjgoku
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09 Mar 2011, 9:27 am

i am 17 year old male aspie and i know all too well how stressfull and difficult it can be when people try to get you to do things you don't want to.I agree that you should not get him to stop his special interest.It would be an incredibly difficult task anyway beleive me!The reason he is only talking about video games is due to his tunnel vision.As previously stated we all have special interests but (most of us) do not possess very good social skills and so it is easier to talk to a complete stranger about our hobbies rather than anything else.The xbox is serving as a huge distraction for him at the moment and is probably the only thing keeping him going.I have never had anyone with cancer in my family and so i cant imagine what he is going through.I did however have a home tutor for half a year who could not get me to do anything.She was a fully qualified tutor who was an absolute maths genius,however she tried everythig to get me to work and it just made things a million times worse.I was just too sttressed out and depressed to think straight ,just as he might be feeling right now.You can not put too much pressure on him and there will be good and bad days as there always is.If he starts to shut down or get mad or anything, then the best thing to do is to walk away ,unless he states otherwise.I also understand about the not eating part of it,although i have sensory issues which does not help.I have a very limited diet but when i get stressed out a lot and depressed i stop eating .Like him i left school at 15 with nothing and i know all to well how difficult these last two years have been.Does he leave the house,have any friends or further interests?Having your interest taken away is a very dangerous thing indeed ,as i know all too well

MotherKnowsBest
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09 Mar 2011, 10:40 am

My daughter is 17 and plays WOW all the time. So I joined in. We are in the same guild and most of our conversations are online. Face to face we just end up arguing. :oops:

anbuend
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09 Mar 2011, 11:14 am

Surfman wrote:

ScottyNZ wrote:

Professionally trained clinicians have little to offer aspies unless they are specifically trained in dealing with aspergers.

You may go off half cocked and make matters worse.

That can sometimes be true. But speaking as a person who needs a lot of support and therefore has professional support staff who come into my home and help me with things...

Sometimes professional training in autism actually makes them worse at what they do.

People with professional training are far more likely to believe they actually understand something about me before they met me. Because of this, I'm often wary of two categories of people: People with professional training, and people with an autistic or other DD relative. In both cases, they usually think they understand things about me that they don't understand. In the second case, I've found that many of them have baggage from their family member that they then transfer to me.

There are exceptions to both of these. But by far the best people have usually been people with no understanding of autism, with awareness they have no understanding of autism, and with a willingness to learn and correct their assumptions as they go along. Also, they have to know that they're getting to know me, not getting to know "autism". I am an individual person, not a condition, and not a representative of a condition. However fundamental autism may be to parts of how I perceive the world, I am not "autism", and in presuming that in getting to know me they are "getting to know autism", people take the wrong approach. They have to understand that they are getting to know a person, nothing more and nothing less.

Also, it's better if they're not a specific sort of person... I don't know how to describe them exactly. This sort of person will approach me tentatively and put me on a pedestal. They will keep saying things like "It's such a privilege to know you" and other things like that. These people can be just as bad as people who put me down or see me as beneath them. Basically if you see a person as on a different level than you, then you're not going to ever be able to meet them on common ground or understand who they really are. When I say on a different level, I don't mean it's wrong to be in a mentoring role, even though there's a power dynamic inherent to that. I mean... what's wrong is more to either see the person as above you, or beneath you. Neither of those ideas work because both of them require seeing someone as less a person somehow. Putting someone on a pedestal can dehumanize just as much as seeing yourself as above them. Also, it's best to go into such things as getting to know the person, rather than trying to change them, even if you're going to need to help them change some things they're doing.

Also... there's something weird about being paid to befriend someone (I can't remember if you're being paid, so disregard this if you're not). You have to be really honest about what you're doing and why. It can be truly crushing for disabled people to realize that we have no real friends who would spend time with us if they weren't paid. I can't suggest the right way to approach that particular matter, except to say that if he thinks you're his friend and then he finds out you were paid to spend time with him, he may seriously implode. Normally the best advice given to regular sorts of support staff is to not pretend to be a person's friend. But you're in a very different position than they are in many ways, so I have no idea what to do in your case other than be incredibly careful.

I don't have any other advice, unfortunately. My brain is just not in gear right now or I might have had more to say otherwise. Good luck with what you're doing.

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devark
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09 Mar 2011, 11:51 am

jojobean wrote:

getting him off the Xbox while mom has cancer is a bad idea. Tell parrents that wrong planet aspies say so

I agree. About 6 years ago my grandfather (I was raised by my grandparents) was diagnosed with cancer and passed away that year. People who knew me well frequently asked me how I was doing, but I would always respond that I was fine and that i had accepted it, when in-fact it had effected me deeply without my knowing ( I actually believed I was ok, and had moved on). I coped by immersing myself in video games and books for days at a time. I stopped returning phone calls, and emails. At the time I couldn't articulate nor was I fully aware of the impact the situation had on me, and it was not until almost 5 years later that began to realize why I had withdrawn from people so much.

Bottom line is, for me it seemingly takes much longer to gain insight into my emotions and behavior. I don't know how I feel about things right when they happen, all I know how to do is cope with them. If someone had denied me access to excessive time with books/video games/ect... I don't know what would have happened but those were my only refuge from the storm at that time. Confiding in other people has always been uncomfortable for me (which makes it somewhat counterproductive if you think about it lol) so I turn to my interests to cope with stress, even if I don't fully understand why I'm stressed. Its instinctual, the harder you pry at my door, the harder I hold it shut. I'm not saying that talking about problems or stress is a bad thing, (in my case) its just (more often than not), not possible.

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ScottyNZ
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23 Mar 2011, 6:16 pm

Hey all thanks for all the replies, I thought I would give you all a bit of a update. Its not a good one I'm sorry to say. So, things have only got worse, I'm at a loss as to weather it is my fault or not and to be honest, I'm not gonna let it stop me if it is. But he has really sunken into a state of, just about psychotic behavior. There is alot of things going on in his life and his parents think time is running out because he is about to turn 18 and he has dreams of going to University (College to some) but are afraid he will not make it there for multiple reasons. He would just not be able to cope they think and I agree.

After spending at-least 3 hours a day with him for a few weeks he just cant seem to handle life outside. Anyway, some of the things that have gone down since my last post, he has been arrested twice and has had a ambulance called for him once. Thats in the space of a week. His father was trying to get him to do some school work, he was being a very polite and loving father, just about begging him. But he would not do it and somehow Jake (not his real name) snapped and went into a fighting pose. His father stood his ground and said he is trying to help him and he loves him, but Jake attacked and I had to intervene and restrain him, his father then called the police as he had had enough as this was not the first time this had happened. When I let Jake go he ran off and ran away, we feared for his safety (he has threatened suicide in the past) so I gave chase. When I caught up to him down the road he picked up 2 plastic rubbish bins on the street and 2 woman walking by nearly caught a hit to the face when he started swinging them at me. I knew he was not thinking straight and knew he would have been fearing for his own safety so I backed off. He eventually got arrested and taken away, but nobody wanted to press charges so he was released. But it happened again that night and he was taken away again and was put in a motel for a night by the police at his own expense.

He also ran away another time due to school work and being asked to clean his room (you cannot move within the mess in his room). We let him go but then when he was ready to come home he does what he always does, calls and asks for a ride home. he expects everyone to drop whatever they are doing and come get him. Will as a result of a meeting with a Mental health team (arranged by the police) we were told to not do anything for him, no more picking him up, no giving him money etc. So we told him No, we are all to busy you have to find your own way home (natural punishment this is called). So instead of calling a taxi or getting on one of the many buses that he commonly uses he lays down on the road and plays dead until someone called the police, who called a ambulance who spent time runnings test etc and found nothing and then took him home! It was all faked to get a ride home.

Anyway, you guys might not like this but the health teams have set a plan up that we have to enforce, take away all his stuff. He spends all day on his games and wont eat, do school, or chores etc, so we take his stuff, and when he does things like school work he then gets limited time on his games. We have not started this yet, might start next week, but we expect him to go crazy.

Another thing to note, his mother is incredibly stressed out, she just had treatment for her cancer on Monday. In preparation for her return home they moved his bedroom so she does not have to walk past him when going to bathroom etc, she can no longer handle seeing him do nothing and not respond to her. I have never met such a stressed out person, she is exhausted. After spending less than half a day home from her operation and Jake not even acknowledging that she was home or asking how she was she moved out. Thats right, she has moved to another town and is living with her mum. I don't blame her at all. When she was leaving I told Jake to go say good bye, he just yelled out from upstairs as she left "bye".

Keep replying guys, i am reading it all and taking notes of what you say to try and get a grip on all this.

Sweetleaf
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23 Mar 2011, 6:29 pm

ScottyNZ wrote:

Well I certainly cant say what all his issues would be, but the not doing anything sounds like it could be related to depression.......if it is taking all of his stuff and only letting him have access if he does as he's told is most likely a bad approach and will probably add to the stress. Thats just what I think though I can't say for sure because I don't know the full story and I don't know what his perspective on matters is.

ScottyNZ
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23 Mar 2011, 6:38 pm

To be honest he doe not seem like he is depressed, he only loses it when he does not want to do something. I think he is just very lazy! Yes there is alot of underlying issues here, but he just wants to play games, not do school work. Wen he is doing what he wants he is fine, but if you ask him to do something other than play games, watch out!

aspie48
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23 Mar 2011, 7:11 pm

it sounds like video games could be an addiction. aspergers people can become addicted to things easily. see if u can try to get him other friends who have aspergers.

however, do not force him off the games cuz he might get oppositional defiant and that will end ur relationship with him.

it sounds like this kid has major depression and fear of normal people try to get him aspergers freinds it would help a lot. also, autistic people like to stim to calm down so look up stimming on google and talk to him about this as a way to get calm.

torako
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24 Mar 2011, 12:55 am

ScottyNZ wrote:

i was going to try to help, but you're a jerk. i don't like you. stop existing now. everyone thinks i'm lazy because i can't f*****g HANDLE reality because no one will help, just shove responsibility onto me without any f*****g explanation about what the f**k i'm supposed to be doing. "go get an estimate on repairing your car! no i'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to say to them, or what exactly an estimate is, or why it's so important that you do it right now! you should know all that through the knowledge that is magically beamed into everyone's brains! oh, no one magically beams knowledge into your brain? whatever. suck it up."

you're just an a**hole like the rest of them.

also you need to learn to spell. what's your PROBLEM?

ScottyNZ
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24 Mar 2011, 2:23 am

torako wrote:

ScottyNZ wrote:

i was going to try to help, but you're a jerk. i don't like you. stop existing now. everyone thinks i'm lazy because i can't f***ing HANDLE reality because no one will help, just shove responsibility onto me without any f***ing explanation about what the f**k i'm supposed to be doing. "go get an estimate on repairing your car! no i'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to say to them, or what exactly an estimate is, or why it's so important that you do it right now! you should know all that through the knowledge that is magically beamed into everyone's brains! oh, no one magically beams knowledge into your brain? whatever. suck it up."

you're just an a**hole like the rest of them.

also you need to learn to spell. what's your PROBLEM?

Wow, you sound just like him. I think it is a fair comment thou, what if he is just lazy? I know there is other issues going on, but why cant he also just be lazy? He does only lose it when asked to things, and I'm not talking hard stuff, I'm talking picking up your own rubbish in your room etc, thats not rocket science.

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