Feeling Like I Have No Identity.

Post Reply New Topic

People used to tell me I looked different in every picture. I didn't think much of it, but later after thinking about it I realized I was mimicking the facial expression of whomoever took my picture. It was a consistent repeatable phenomenon; I could tell who took my picture by the expression on my face. I guess it is the same way people who mimick others professionally contort their face with whatever particular personna they have in mind, but I don't consciously intend to do it.

My sister and I both have Aspergers and she does this mimicking thing also. It must have something to do with the way the brain works. Most people I know seem to have a consistent personality, regardless of who they are around. I worked around many of the same people for 23 years, so I guess in a way I was part of all of those people; I think it is like that to some degree for most people, but maybe moreso for people with Aspergers.

I do know though that I was very much influenced by depressing situations. I could often drive by a run down trailer and feel some kind of darkness. I guess it was just preconceived notions and imagination.

I have two personalities. In public I am a man of few words. I do not do anything to make a fool of myself, I am calm, but kind of serious, somewhat like a mix between captain Kirk and Obi Wan. But whenever I'm around people that I know, you can try to shut me up, but it won't work. Imagine Spock or Yoda after drinking a six pack of Pepsi MAX, and that's me .

Never. This is probably because I have a national security number and a birth certificate and various documents proving my identity, so even if I did fall into the mindset of feeling like I don't stand out in any particular way, I know I have an identity.

No; I don't remember ever not knowing who I was. I must have formed a concept of myself as a distinct entity, separate from others, very early on. I know that by the age of two-and-a-half, I was already applying this to the idea that my thoughts were different from others' thoughts (a rudimentary theory of mind--thought not to be possible until age four; but I have always had atypical development).

The problem with me is that I cannot feel what others expect me to be and cannot conform to it, even if I want to. This means I regularly stray outside of social expectations even in situations where I want to stay within those boundaries. It's reading other people that I have problems with, not knowing myself.

I am one of those people who doubts the theory-of-mind explanation for autism precisely because of how early I understood that other people were not like me. I knew very well they thought different thoughts and knew different things. I just had a great deal of trouble guessing what those thoughts might be.

Last edited by Callista on 18 Mar 2011, 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

According to the philosopher David Hume, you don't have an identity. There is no "you" and there is no "me".

ruveyn

Yes, I feel like that, but luckily not all the time. It would be a nightmare if I would have that feeling all the time.
It's so paradoxical actually, a feeling, that you don't have feelings. Or a feeling, that you don't have an identity. It's almost like you actually have an identity, but somewhere deep down.
I might be wrong, but it's just my point of view.
I have this theory that when someone is sad or depressed for a long time, he develops this defense mechanism similar to isolation meaning that he's using that defense mechanism as long as he feels too vulnerable to ''have'' an identity.
What I mean by ''having identity'' is that the person doesn't feel the need to mimic other people or act like a chameleon anymore, he's confident enough to perceive the reality the way he normally would, not the way he thinks he sould.

I know that it sounds too psychological, but since my love-hate relationship with everything around me confuses me (I'm not bipolar though), I just need psychology for keeping touch with reality. Even if things I believe in are actually wrong, for me it's enough if I believe in them.
Although sometimes it's difficult and when it comes to the MBTI, I really wish I would be more judging than perceiving type.


edit.
I just wanted to apologize for my horrible English and I hope that everyone who reads this post ignores the grammar mistakes and overall strange sentences (commas hate me ).

Last edited by SomewhatAspie on 13 Mar 2011, 6:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I had a sense of identity as a child. I think as I got older, my sense of myself was buried under trying very hard to be "normal" while simultaneously not even realizing that I was different. That is, I never questioned the idea that other people might have the same problems I do, and so I just tried to fit in. As a consequence, I imitated other people (picked up phrasing, mannerisms, even attitudes and opinions) and eventually started shaping how I presented myself in different social situations, so as to be professional in some situations or casual in others, and this was a conscious decision. And I had no idea most people didn't do this the way I was.

Anyway, over the past few months I realized what all that was and what I was doing, and the energy it cost me to sustain it (I actually believe that it contributed a lot to my depression over the years - it wasn't the cause, but it made it difficult to cope with it). I came to this conclusion partly because since letting go of a lot of this as a conception of who I am (as opposed to things I do) I've had a lot more energy and very little depression. It may be other things and I could be wrong.

The effects of this are: I realized that so much of what I had tied to my sense of self over the years was stuff I did to pretend normalcy. Without that, I don't really know who I am, and I do not believe that I actually knew with all that baggage, I just didn't realize it was baggage. I'm not bothered by the realization, although it was startling. I do know that I've been here all along, so it's not like I'm lost or don't have an identity or sense of self, I just have to reinterpret it. If I want to. I'm not sure.

Another effect is that I tended to use my social skills in the context of presenting myself in certain ways. Since I no longer do that, I find it a lot harder to access my social skills. I'm not sure at the moment what I can do about that, and I think I am more obviously autistic to others. Of course, I am not convinced at this point that I was not obviously autistic before, I just didn't think about it that frequently.

I've not had an identity crisis, meaning I have always been able to pick out the essence of myself in my head.

I knew at an early age that my self/identity was different from everyone else's. I also knew that revealing myself, as I was then, could mean that I might be sent away, or worse. I had heard stories...Going on meant faking it, but the alternative was unacceptable. I slipped under the radar on purpose.

For over forty years, I thought I was the only person in the world with such a problem. But, I never forgot who/what I was: I was the thing I had to protect from all harm.

Hope this helps.

I sometimes ask myself "Who am I, really?" I have a tendency to base my identity around whatever special interest I have at a given time, but this is not effective because my special interests change every couple of years and, as my mother points out, my base personality and behaviors remain the same regardless of whatever I happen to be obsessed with.

Oh boy, can I ever relate to that sentiment 100%.

My whole life I had just been realizing how fundamentally odd I am compared to everyone else. It kept adding up, unrelated oddity upon weirdo quirkiness mixed in with all these people who I thought I might be but wasn't.

Then I found out that I'm an aspie and it shocked me repeatedly to see all these quirks get thrown into the same pot, that they all were connected.

I feel like this very often. I have my personal interests but I feel like everyone has a passion theyre pursuing and I don't. Everyone has something theyre known for... I'm just in the background. I often feel like people look down on me or think I'm dumb because I dont have the same passion as them. I'm not into computers, technology, and all that crap and people who ARE make me feel stupid for not "understanding" how it works when really, I DONT GIVE A f**k. As if they could tell me anything about the mating habits of Cetaceans, or what the heck a Cetacean even is

I'm kind of mixed.

I sometimes notice that my personality seems to merge with certain people, if I get close to them and admire them in some way. If they have social skills that I don't, I seem able to use those skills, which can seem almost paranormal. It's especially noticeable if I'm hanging out with bright, chirpy friends.......there's an extravert side of me that doesn't usually show, and what's really weird is that it works, I don't make social blunders like I would if I were to simply decide to be extraverted.

On the other hand, I'm fiercely individualistic and have all kinds of practices and values that seem impervious to outside influence.

I was confused about my identity for years. When I look back on my childhood, I become confused. There were many things I thought I had identified as myself was more like I was scard to try it. I had huge anxiety problems throughout most of my childhood. I would mindlessly believe and follow being the person that my mom thought I was. The thing is that I was mute from ages 8 till 17, so that was a long time with barely any interactions with my peers so I really didnt know any better. I never really copied people. When I tried to interact with my peers when I was 17, things werent going very well, I wasnt the person I thought I was. I was very confused for a long time. How come people dont respond to me in the way that they respond to those other shy girls?

Its taken me a long time trying to find my identity. One of my profs who knows me well, told me I come across as a rebel. That was drastically different then the super obedient girl I was before I turned 18. Im just really confused, cause dont children freely express who they are at a young age, did I not do that?

Now a days, I come across in 3 different ways: I think
1) In really uncomfortable enviorenments: very shy, withdrawn, aloof, reserved: I sit back and dont say much
2) To people I talk to but dont really know me, I strive for normalcy, I try to act in a way that is expected of me, a few quirks here and there
3) To people Im comfortable with: very talkative(monologues), blunt, weird sense of humor, quirky, honest, more expressive, very random at times, then I talk excessively about my annoyances and my problems unfortunetly

Felt that way all my life. It's the weirdest thing.

~Kate

I once felt like that, but not anymore. I have a pretty good idea of who I am now. It was always there, I just did not want to admit it was there. Now I have my basic self, which does not change no matter what the situation is. I have a mask that I keep up at all times, and I let a little bit through, depending on the circumstances. I still have trouble dropping the mask, and sometimes people just see what they want to see, not what is really there. Despite this, I know what is really there, and that is all that matters.

...and act in a way that comes naturally, not the way she thinks she should.

This is a big issue for me and this thread is really interesting.
I feel like I'm made up of pieces or bits that I've adopted from other people / movies. Also I seem to have a feel for how people want me to act in any situation (or I think I do) so I comply. It's not a conscious choice.

As I'm realising this & seeing it more clearly, I find myself getting really p1ssed off with the parts that come forward in different situations and have arguments with them in my head. I just want to be 'authentically' me, although I think I would come across as quite socially unacceptable at times.
I don't know where / who the real me is. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any opinions because I could take on lots of different ones depending how I was feeling / what part was functioning.

As for a lot of other people, keeping up these personas is exhausting and depressing. (I have bipolar as well)

Thanks for reading,
Zel.