I am NT - I have no idea what my AS crush wants? Help!

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I am not certain whether he is AS or not from this statement alone. It's a very confusing statement, and I couldn't really make head or tail of it. It's possible, if he is AS, that he was being very literal and saying exactly what he thought about your prospects of marriage without any prior motives or intentions, and not related to whatever is going on between you and him (that's something I'd do - often I'd say something which was simply literally what I was thinking with no hidden message or meaning, and people would misconstrue it and try to find what I was REALLY telling them).

Irrespective of what he meant by saying that, if he is AS, the best way to approach him as other posters have said is to be blunt, honest, and completely straight forward with him. People with AS find it very difficult to decipher mind games, or hidden meanings, or layered conversations, and tend to take things very literally. If you feel like you keep telling him you like him and he's not responding, either you're not being direct enough (and he hasn't registered), he doesn't like you back and he's trying to be nice about it, or it's some shyness thing as other posters have suggested. I would recommend simply ask him out directly - a.k.a. "I like you and I'm attracted to you and I'd like to date/be in a relationship with you, would you like to go out with me?" Whether he's AS or not, then he'll either have to turn you down (so you know he doesn't return your feelings) or accept (so you know he does). Easy. Well... not easy I guess but final.

Most homophobes are homophobic because they are not secure in their sexuality. Indeed, many latent homosexuals may act very homophobic and hostile towards other homosexuals.

Irrespective, I seriously doubt he's gay. He only works with men, all of whom I know well and none of them have mentioned anything along those lines. I did ask when we just met because I couldn't believe that such a good looking and nice guy could still be single at 42.

Because we have MAJOR ISSUES relating to the opposite sex, profound and immense. Relationships,at least conventional ones, are often simply not possible.

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Because we have MAJOR ISSUES relating to the opposite sex, profound and immense. Relationships,at least conventional ones, are often simply not possible.

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At the time I didn't know about AS, but I am a much more informed person now and am aware of the issues that he faces. I spoke to him yesterday and told him that we need to have another chat to clarify things as suggested by the posters. So we'll be meeting next week some time - I want him to know that I am aware of his AS and that it's OK, but I have no idea how I'm going to do this.

That's nice to hear, feel free to ask for any pointers, remember to be straight with him, don't rely on him reading between the lines and such, he'll appreciate that.

Thank you for that, although I must admit that I'll be completely out of my comfort zone and I am slightly panicking at the thought of addressing this mainly because he has problems saying things to me. He'll say things like "we missed you" instead of "I missed you" or "please greet us before you leave" instead of saying "please greet me before you leave". Towards the beginning of the year after I returned from vacation I asked him if he missed me, he didn't answer, he just looked at me and smiled slightly. So I'm not sure what his responses to my questions are going to be if he cannot even respond to the above little questions. I have no idea what I'm in for...

actually it's a moderately common problem in autistics that we mix up pronouns, so I might saw "him" instead "her" and I say "them" instead of "you", he probably doesn't notice.
It seems to me he said he missed you, not in words though.

I'm not sure if it's the mixing of pronouns or the fact that he can't even say HE missed me. I was in his office this week when someone popped in and asked if he was going to miss me (I'll be moving soon), he paused for a few seconds and said "we'll all miss her". Simple question which he had to think about... So my take on it is if he has a hard time answering these insignificant questions, then next week is going to be really tough...

I don't mix up my pronouns...

I'll tell you exactly what it is: It's VERY hard for a person who is insecure about his sexuality to express interest in someone, verbally or physically, especially for an Aspie. And becoming more confident with expressing it verbally doesn't translate to improved physicality.

Most women are unwilling to take an active role in a relationship, or they expect the guy to reciprocate when he might simply be missing all of the cues. Even if you explicitly tell him "I want to date you" he may still be nervous, or unsure of how, to take an active role in the relationship. Your dilated pupils, flipping of the hair, biting of the lip, physical contact held longer than normal.....all of the things NTs subconsciously pick up on will be missed by any Aspie who hasn't become explicitly aware of these things. He probably won't ask you out. He probably won't even intentionally imply that he might like you out of fear of rejection.

Again, any NT can be too nervous to make a move on you, or miss your cues. But it takes an Aspie guy to have a girl approach you, tell you you're cute, text you to hang out the next night, lead you back to her room, put on music and say "This song always makes me horny", suggest cuddling.....and STILL not make a move. Yes, that happened to me. I was that guy.

You're going to have to be the man in this relationship, or teach him how to be the man in a non-condescending manner somehow.

So my question to you now is: What if he still gives me no answer or a blank stare once I have told him again how I feel and discussed the AS issue, should I just up and leave or should I give him time to absorb the information? I don't want to corner him and demand an answer but then I'm not willing to wait years for him to make a decision either.

I think the "be the man" part is the answer. Tell him you like him. Ask him out. Take his hand. After the date, kiss him. That kind of things. If you ask him out (and you've made it clear that it was an actual date) and he accepts, I think you can safely think that he likes you. So make the next moves. I'm a girl, but I know that even after a date, I'll still have thoughts of "he doesn't REALLY like me, maybe he was being friendly". After a kiss, I'll still be thinking "omg, what if he regrets kissing me tomorrow, how do I even talk to him now, not knowing this?" Even now, I am married, I wonder if my husband loves me.
he insecurity is deeper than you imagine. Someone telling me they love me registers a bit as "maybe he thinks that's what I want to hear". So keep reassuring him, even if you find out he does like you

Give him some time. If he's like me he won't know what to do straightaway, even if you tell him what you feel directly. It's probably going to shock him, as he won't have registered any signals you gave him. To tell my story, a girl had been showing interest in me for a while (asking whether I had a girlfriend/what sort of girls I liked and whether they were like her etc). It may sound dense but at the time I was oblivious to this. She then told me that she loved me, which to me was a surprise. I was overwhelmed by this proclamation and basically ran off without replying. So what I'm saying is that you might not get an instant result - but at the very least I think that after this point it will be clear in his mind as to how you feel. I would then give him a little time as you feel reasonable to react - if he does not then he is simply not capable of a relationship with you.

I would agree, I doubt this is reversing pronouns in a more general, accidental way. Using a personal pronoun here is admitting that his relationship with you is significantly different than the relationships you have with other people in the office. That's a hard thing to do without a proper understanding of what is going on, especially in a public context like an office.



This initial quote you posted also sounds like a awkward mix and match of quotes from movies or dramatic television. I know I will take phrases from other people's conversations in this manner, because I cannot put words together fast enough on my own. I don't think this is uncommon for people with AS. This could be part of the reason it does not make much sense. In some ways, you can have some understanding of what he is trying to say by putting together a patchwork of the movies scenes these quotes are from, although a more blunt conversation would be much more useful.

It's not that it is some unhealthy delusion that you are a character from a badly written soap opera, more like you have asked someone who cannot paint to give you a painting describing what you mean to them, and they return with a collage of magazine clippings.

In terms of a blunt conversation, I would just be clear and talk about one topic at a time. The difficulty with verbal expression, might be related to the conversation you are trying to have, but the rest of AS may be besides the point. Wrapping it all up into a single issue makes it much harder to respond. Being torn between many different pieces of information that you want to try and convey at the same time, is a part of what makes conversation so difficult.

Wait! isn't that second one from Adam? when the NT girl ditched him?
i am not sure though but... anyone remembers the exact quote?
edit: I say second because the first sentence doesn't strike me as a script from a movie, it's more a "real life" script.

I'm probably going to say the opposite of what others have said, but it sounds like he's trying to turn you down or deflect your approaches without hurting your feelings. Maybe he has some feelings for you and doesn't want to completely deny anything will ever happen, but he isn't interested now. You were so forward, he would have told you if he liked you too rather than say thank you.