Your Internal Monologue

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I think constantly in patterns mostly. I think in pictures not as much and I don't think in words at all.

I am, I guess, a professional musician. Most of my career has not amounted to much more than playing songs at church, which I like don't get me wrong, but I hate people looking at me, especially when I'm performing. I tend to have a good deal of internal monologue during the prelude. It goes something like this:

*What's the key?
*Think of the scale.
*What's the tempo?
*Is the pianist's music in the same key?
*Shall I make up a harmony from the piano's right hand?
*Yes, yes I think I will.

Conductor: "Okay, one and two and -"
*Well here goes nothing!

*Got the first note, look ahead more!
*Is it really that key!? yes it is.
*Gosh the choir is soft tonight.
*Whoops, the last four measures are missing... how about, a long pensive G#?
*I suppose that worked. Two more left. How about an E.
*eew... why did I do that? What's the key? Haha! No one noticed.
*Oh right
*Breath!
*Have fun!

I have an internal monologue, but not constantly...most of the time though. But it's not a narrative type monologue like in Scrubs I always thought I was a very visual person, but after reading some stuff by Temple Grandin I realized I don't think in pictures.

After having posted to this thread, I started to realize that maybe my lack of visual thinking isn't normal. Turns out it isn't. What's more there is a disorder that describes the condition - it is called NVLD or NLD - Non Verbal Learning Disorder.

Here is the Wikipedia page:

NVLD WIKIPEDIA PAGE

Here's something really fascinating, it is a quote from the article:

"As most people with Asperger syndrome (AS) fit the criteria for NLD, a diagnosis of AS is often preferred." AND "Ongoing debate surrounds the relationship between Asperger syndrome and NLD, as research on the condition is ongoing and procedures can differ from AS research."

I would argue that conversely, most people that fit the criteria for NVLD clearly fit the criteria for Aspergers Autism. You can read the criteria for NVLD in the Wikipedia article. The symptoms are pretty much the same as Aspergers. I'm fascinated by this finding for two reasons. A) this sucks (just like finding out I might have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder sucks) and B) it makes my case for self diagnosing myself with Aspergers almost undeniable, therefore freeing me of the 'must get diagnosed' obsession. I should hope that this information can help other self diagnosticians that believe they have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, where they also clearly have NVLD. It's hard to deny having NVLD when all you see is black when you close your eyes.

I don' t "think in pictures," but I do "remember" in pictures.

Well there are a few different things that go on in my mind.
A lot of times Im having some sort of internal conflict which involves me arguing with myself or I am analzing my thoughts and responding to them like I would do If I was talking to someone and we were agreeing. I try not to do either of those outloud if there are people around but I slip up sometimes especially if I have not really talked to anyone for most of the day.

I also tend to get music stuck in my head which can be nice if its a song I like, but horrible if its a song I dislike.

and sometimes I have somewhat visual memories of things combined with any emotions that might be attatched...thats the best way I can really describe it. But yeah sometimes I can get focused on the emotions and whatever the memory is about and spend quite a while thinking about it.

other then that basically I am never completely focused on what's going on in the moment because there are always a variety of things like I described going on in my mind.

Thanks for the input Poke, especially the part about Temple Grandin. I have been equally confused by her visual thinking capacity as it is a sign of right brain capacity functioning properly, whilst Autism is arguably a disordering of the right brain functioning (or a disordered dominance of the left brain, etc.).

Finding out about NVLD is pretty much wrapping up my case for Asperger's self diagnosis. If I can't see images when I close my eyes, I'm undeniably NVLD. Given all the other symptoms that I have that are in line with an ASD or Asperger's diagnosis, especially the degree to which I experience them, I am now completely certain that I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Of course, I can't have an official diagnosis until seen by a Psychiatrist or Psychologist but I can't see where they couldn't agree now, given the existence of NVLD and the other symptoms I have.

I know that thinking visually is something about 60% of people do (I think most thinking styles are present in neurotypicals, for that matter). Russell Barkley's version of executive function describes visualization as developed before internal voice - and that internal voice is also apparently typical.

What I wonder about is the lack of an internal "voice." If Barkley's theory is correct, it could imply a lack of development in executive function (which is something I have already, so it's not a stretch).

If you have a deeper understanding of the "HFA/Asperger's controversy," please enlighten.

For me the internal monologue is constant. It never switches off. Once in a while it would be really nice to stop it for just a little while.

As for thinking in pictures, I'm not sure that I ever do that. I'm not sure how I would think about anything using pictures and not words. Even if I tried the words come involuntarily anyhow.