Why tell your parents?

Post Reply New Topic

In my case it was rather obvious I was quite odd and different from almost every other kid I knew but my mother (optimistically in denial) always chose to attribute it to very high intelligence rather than anything else. Good in some ways cause that meant other people looked at me as 'clever but eccentric' rather than 'diagnosed with a mental problem'. Bad in others cause I spent years and years not getting on with my mother very well.

I'd love to tell my parents, just so I could say "See, I WASN'T just being a little s**t! I WASN'T ever being argumentative to annoy you just for the sake of it. And those clothes with the itchy labels in them, they WERE actually driving me insane." Not to prove a point or win an argument, just by way of an explanation for a lot of things I do/did that I know drove them nuts but I genuinely can't/couldn't help doing. But I think they'd probably prefer not to know so I think I probably won't tell them. And I get on with them great now so it doesn't really make any difference to me one way or the other...

Thank you for sharing this. This makes a lot of sense and I do have an understanding now of how it can be very beneficial.



Well, my mom was the a**hole. By the time I got the diagnosis, my dad was one of my best friends, but it just didn't seem to matter if I told him. It wouldn't have made a difference either way. But, generally, yes, I don't think people should bother if nothing good would come of it.

Hmm... How do I explain why?...

I was living with my parents at the time. (Actually was coerced into it by a hospital after a suicide attempt if you really want to know...) I didn't know anybody outside of immediate family. Why not get some emotional support from my parents?

Their response was something like the story you told of the person with ADHD so if I had a do over, I probably wouldn't.

I'm really sorry that telling them didn't work out positively for you, Seph. You deserve to have had it go the other way. Unfortunately, we cannot control the choices and reactions of others. Their short-comings should not be your burden.

Because they wanted to know why the military was trying to boot me out.

Did they try to boot you out for your diagnosis as such, or did they do it because of things you DO. If it was the diagnosis as such, isn't it discrimination?

For my DX.

My psychologist recommended a separation and I consented. However, the final authority rested with my squadron commander. He didn't agree. He pulled me out of my career field and I now work on his staff and will until the end of my enlistment in 2013. Oddly, the military has given me "accommodations."

As for it being discrimination, the U.S. military is a discriminatory organization by it's very nature. There is no "right" to enlist.

Why did you consent? Are you saying you agree that you should be discriminated against?



I don't agree with the word "oddly". What I find on my own experience is that the people who want to discriminate against me are often motivated by the fact that they can't provide the accomodations that I supposedly need -- even though I know for the fact I don't need any accomondations -- I would refuse them if they were offered to me on silver plate. Thus, the people who want to discriminate against disabled are the ones worried about accomodations the most.

I don't understand why you accept these accomodations to begin with. Asperger is a social problem, it doesn't affect your SKILLS; it only affects other people's opinions of you. It makes other people WRONGLY think you need accomodations when you don't. You should have refused these accomodations in order to prove to others you can manage just fine without them. And you should have also challenged the discriminatory decision against you on the basis of your diagnosis.

I agreed I couldn't perform my job as required.



Asperger's affects many things, not just socializing. In any case, my lack of "social skills" were one of the primary reasons I could no longer perform my duties.



Obviously, I wasn't managing; otherwise, I would never have gone to a psychologist in the first place. There are many jobs I can do with absolutely no help. My job wasn't one of them.



It's not in the military's best interest to retain people with mental health issues who can't do their assigned duties.

What were the assigned duties that you were unable to perform because of your Asperger?

This is good for you overall. Not only do you continue to receive a salary and benefits, but you will have an honorary discharge instead of one that specifies a medical reason. This gives you to freedom to disclose or not to disclose your condition as you choose for future employment.

Well I'm mild and my parents still sensed I had something wrong with me but they still didn't know what it was until I was 12. Even other labels I had didn't still explain what it was.

I disagree with the "it must be mild" part because not all parents are smart to figure out their kid's mind works different and they see things differently and they are not like everyone else. Lot of people think you if look normal, you must be normal so therefore you are just acting out on purpose. So how are parents going to know their kid is different than just a brat? They are going to assume their kid is a brat and too stubborn and has tantrums and wants everything their way and that they are just asocial and don't try hard enough to fit in.

And sometimes parents do know there is something wrong with their child but they don't know what it is because AS didn't exist then. It just means they were that smart to figure that out on their own despite that their kid looked normal. Sometimes they know what label their kid has doesn't fit because they know there is something else.


Maybe you just have a very bad part of AS that isn't mild? You can be mild and still have a trait that isn't so mild.

Supervisory.



My mother did notice. She just interpreted every weird thing I did as "funny and cute."

Well, I was going to get an honorable regardless, but now I won't have an early discharge to explain to employers.

Are you saying they asked you to be a "supervisor" and you couldn't make it because it involves interaction with people? In this case you could have just asked to be one of the regular soldiers, you don't have to be a supervisor. Besides, even if they insist you are supervisor, the context of army is very straight forward. You don't have to worry about any subtle emotions and stuff like that in the army.

The US military works like this:

You're assigned an enlisted rank, usually PVT, but could be PV2 depending on what you did in High School or if you had some undergrad classes before you enlisted.

You're supposed to go up in rank. This gives you more money and more responsibility. It's fairly typical to advance someone in rank based on time and work. An aspie will do good work if their tasks are matched with their skills and their days are routine. I'm guessing XFilesGeek did good work because her commander did not want to let her go. You advance from PVT to PV2 to PFC, then you're at SPC. When you're SPC, you could be recommended for NCO training to become a CPL. A CPL is the same paygrade as a SPC (E4) but has supervisory responsibilities. A SPC can also enter NCO training to be a SGT at the other end, which is a paygrade up (E5). Regardless of all of this, the one with the highest rank in the room is the one who is in charge at that moment. Imagine being a SPC, the highest rank you can be without being an NCO, and then getting tossed into a situation where you have to supervise and delegate tasks to soldiers. Imagine having to suddenly think on your feet, make decisions without a plan, and have your decisions matter in the lives of others. While I don't know if XFilesGeek's situation was quite that severe with her inability to do Supervisory tasks, this is what the military expects of its soldiers. This is why she's better behind a desk where her routine is kept in tact and she can continue to do a good job.

Of course, if XFilesGeek is not specifically in the Army, my rank explanation is going to be off.

Key:
PVT = Private
PV2 = Private Second Class
PFC = Private First Class
SPC = Specialist
CPL = Corporal
SGT = Sergeant
E4/E5 = Enlisted Paygrade level 4 or level 5
NCO = Non-Commissioned Officer