"You only started acting like you had autism since your

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My guess is you tell someone who has known you for along time before you have been diagnosed with Aspergers they begin to notice your autistic traits more where before they were use to them just thinking you are just weird. Myself I decided to quit faking to be NT it takes to much out of me.

I learned that mimicking was more socially "acceptable" than being myself, so I did this ever since pre-school. The thing is most people do this intuitively, but I always remember it was very much a conscious decision, even when I was little.

Yeah, I feel mentally healthier after my diagnosis, because I somehow feel "allowed" to just be myself. It sure takes away alot of tension, and now I can focus on more important things like school and work.

^^ this makes alot of sense.

I don't know if this is happening to me or if I am just noticing it more when I do things that are considered autistic. Or maybe the stress of figuring out that I have AS has exacerbated some of the traits. Or maybe I have been reading so many books on Autism and AS that I have been picking up some of the traits I am reading about.

Example:
I have noticed that I sometimes rock slightly while sitting on the floor watching TV. I have always liked sitting on the floor to watch TV (couch is comfortable sometimes but I have always liked sitting "Indian style" on the floor in front of the couch) but never noticed rocking before but also have never had a reason to notice.

I found the same thing, and then found an article of the internet (copied below). Hope this is useful...


"It is very common for people to appear more overtly autistic when first learning about autism. This can be for any number of reasons, most of which relate to other categories here. This period can last anywhere from days to years. I heard one person describe it as "the post-diagnostic regression".
Upon learning you are autistic, you might feel relieved of some degree of pressure that stems from having to push yourself hard and not knowing why. Without even meaning to, that relief can cause you to drop your guard a bit, or even be unable to continue pushing yourself as hard now that you know why you were doing it. You might spend more time around autistic people, learning autistic ways of dealing with things and possibly picking up some of their mannerisms. Behavior you have suppressed for a long time might re-emerge now that you know it's not caused by being stupid or something.
You might also be so scared that you won't be accepted as a real autistic that you start, as one person who had done so once said to me, become a "super-autistic", claiming every autistic trait you come across whether it applies to you or not. You might imitate yourself to the point of self-caricature. You might stop doing things you like doing because they don't seem autistic enough or don't conform to the stereotypes you've heard of autism. You might try so hard to regain your "lost self" that you end up creating a new facade. You might act like the autistic people you've known, figuring it's safe to act like them but not safe to do anything they don't do.
These things are fairly normal when you're learning about autism, and are not shameful. They may, in the long run, lead to self-doubt when you realize you can't tell who you are from all the stuff you're now saying and doing because you want to be sure you're really autistic. This can be a vicious cycle: First you doubt yourself, then you do something autistic-seeming, then you wonder if you were acting, then you doubt yourself, then you act, then you wonder if you were acting, and so forth. This doubt does tend to settle after awhile, and so does the acting. In fact, they often settle at the same time, when you become more comfortable with yourself and with the idea that you are autistic."

I've been afraid of this, that people would start noticing things about me that they never noticed before and would accuse me of "acting" a certain way. Fortunately, every time I describe the traits of AS, people tend to say, "That's you."

What if someone liked using the word ret*d or fa***t or the n word and it bothered you. You ask them to stop saying them, they refuse because "it's who they are" and they tell you to put up with it and suck it up.

Well my ex loved to joke around and tease and be sarcastic and he did it so much it bothered me because it hurts when I am being serious and he is joking around because it feels like he isn't taking me seriously. I told him that and did he care? No because "it was who he is" and he didn't care if I had a hard time with knowing when he wasn't serious and expected me I would just pick up on it. No, I would just stop listening to him completely and I am not going to do that in a relationship. He even used ret*d too but I bet if you asked him to stop saying that and it's offensive, he won't quit because "it's who he is" and would want you to accept him. I never asked him to stop being that way to everyone, I only wanted him to not do that with me, I didn't care if he said ret*d but after a while it started to annoy me because he over used it. Anything he didn't like was ret*d; gas prices, working, bills, paying to have things, paying to eat. All "ret*d." But nope he didn't give a s**t. That's why he was a jerk and I am so glad I dumped him. Then he was depressed after I broke up with him when before he acted like it was all cool if we did break up. He also claimed I gave up on him when really "it was who he is so I had to accept it." I will never understand that why it went from accepting who he is to giving up on him. Those things drive me crazy.

So this is why I hate anyone who says accept them for who they are because I get this ugly image in my head so I get the impression they will not give a s**t about you and if they hurt you or not or bother you with their behavior because they will not accommodate you.

I just avoid those people and thank goodness I am not stuck with any of them.

It's not black and white about accepting for who you are but in cases like this, they need to make some adjustments for you or they're jerks.

So I have yet to be officially diagnosed but through a psychologist and my own research/observations I basically put together a list of behaviours/traits/reasons that would suggest I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum... it is a pretty long list of both big and little things. I have to say though that after doing that, yeah, I do think it has changed my behaviour a bit. In some ways I think I could be 'more autistic' since doing that and in other ways just the opposite.

The purpose of making a list like that is really so I can change. I basically have been in the process of going through my list and deciding which things I want to change, which things I don't care about, and which things I might not be able to change. I think some things like fidgeting/stimming and focusing on special interests are things that I just shouldn't worry about as much as I used to, so maybe not being so self-concious makes traits like this stick out more. When it comes to things like poor social skills, anxiety, problems staying on task, yeah these are things I want to change and they would probably make me seem 'less autistic'.

I try to look at it the same way I would think about if I were left-handed or something, there are times you have to adapt to the right-handed world and times its better to do things with your left hand. Part of it is maybe kind of trying to do things both ways (like with your left hand and right hand) and just seeing what works best for you. (Okay I'm going to stop typing because I realize this analogy has too many holes in it and probably doesn't make sense)

after reading your post, i have to admit you have a point - thinking back i would say i do feel less anxious about being with people than i once was (its the same people i'm around with btw).

apparently i went away for the summer, went for the initial diagnosis etc, then came back completely different - although i have not conscientiously made a change.

This hasn't happened to me.

I can be sitting in front of somebody, rocking and flapping my hands and they'll say "Oh, you don't look that autistic at all."

I have no idea what to think of this.

Being newly diagnosed can give you the freedom to act as you naturally would rather than constantly trying to "act normal". People who have just been diagnosed do often drop the act, and those around them may assume that it's the new behavior that is the act rather than the old.

I think your analogy is quite good. My employer/supervisor knew I was a bit quirky, odd or seemingly "eccentric" and/or whatever else he and his brother, co-owners, might have previously thought, and both of them were very accommodating in relation to my overall "personality" or whatever. At the same time, however, it was no more acceptable for me to throw a tantrum and/or to cause any verbal or physical harm to anyone else (such as during a meltdown or shutdown or whatever) than it was for any other employee to ever be abusive, harmful or destructive. What they did do, however, and without "outing me" in front of anyone, was to be sure everyone, including me, knew what was expected in any given situation if/when anyone at all might begin feeling "at odds" and/or "acting out" in any way ...

... and of course, I agreed with their overall desire and efforts to keep the workplace as pleasant and as safe as possible for everyone.

I used to be a try hard people pleaser,

now I just give people the bird.

I feel like I'm 'coming into my own' now, and am really enjoying the freedom away from the stress of trying to fit in. Thats all behind me now since finding out about AS.

Within 2 days of finding out I was already critisized of using it as an excuse. Even though I did nothing those 2 days but be online looking for info. So im sure the only one using it as an excuse was my parents as an excuse to keep me as the bad guy.

I am natrually kinda shy untill people get to know me...then I am kinda goofy...but in a playful way. When I was in high school and college, I forced myself to be extroverted because I was afraid of being lonely and bullied. So I did the whole bad @ss act in order to protect myself, but at the end of high school, I realized that did more damage than good. So really focused on being extroverted in order to feel included, but it was a hard and draining act for me. After "realization" of my diagnosis, I did some research and felt better about being shy. So now I just go back to my base nature. However, mom says that I take my "label" too seriously. I am just glad to belong somewhere after feeling like I was dropped out of space on my head all my life.