Ever unhappy about being so highly functional? (TRIGGERS)

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I definitely agree with acting. I've felt different but never knew what the reason was until recently. A few years ago I told my sister that I wanted to act in something (I saw a casting ad somewhere) & she said "What makes you think that you'd be a good actor" and I got really upset that she was questioning me & I just naturally said "Well I act every day of my life" and started crying but neither of us knew what to make of that. She probably distracted me with something else then because I don't remember the rest of the conversation.

Sometimes I feel natural with my dad (who I'm currently living with) and at other times I don't. I really hate when family just drop by though because I feel like I didn't have any notice to get into character and now I have to pretend to be happy.

I have also had people tell me the be yourself thing cuz we both thought that I was just nervous (?, IDK) around people I didn't know but then I would tell them that's what I was doing.

This is why I have a problem with my sister, who I really care about & consider my best friend, visiting because I feel the need to entertain her or pretend to enjoy whatever she wants to do but in general it's a ton of work.

I also feel like I've lost years of my life without knowing why and I'm really angry because I feel like if I had known what was happening I wouldn't now be basically approaching 30 and be so completely confused and lost. Never knowing what my problem was I would try to do things and basically hope every day (even though that I knew that it was ridiculous) that I would wake up one day & have snapped out of it or "be normal". Now I feel like that hope is gone.

Take away other people and you take away our social problems. It's why I start to freak if I don't get enough time to myself.

At first I too was fustrated because I thought I had forgotten how to "act naturally" around people. It turns out that, for me, "acting naturally" just means ignoring them most of the time. Interaction itself, outside of information sharing, I don't find to be a natural process at all.

I learned that when I dissolved for a few months into a particularly strong interist. By the time it faded into the background I had pushed away literally everyone that I used to try to make time for who didn't interact with me only as based upon that interist. And although I now endever to not go that far again, I have to admit that I have never been happier in my life than I was in those few months.

It's a sacrifice we make, not (I think) to make people like us better - but rather its one that we make in order to interact at all.

The true me, remains inside my head mostly these days.
The rest is a constant act, I fear, that I have learnt so very well that it is difficult to break out of it.
The experiences that being myself bought, I suppose, taught my quite young to say and do what kept the peace and seemed correct, but at times, the pressure becomes too much and I get angry and frustrated at having to be someone else.
I tended to speak my mind freely, as a child, and to just do what I wished.
Now I rarely feel safe to speak my mind freely, and tend to just remain silent if in doubt.
It is a little like being in prison, actually, but without any perks.