Why do people just not get what aspergers is?

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As an Aspie mother of an Aspie girl, the attitude of people who are close to me can really frustrate me. My best friend is a lovely lady and very well meaning. When I tell her about the problems I've had getting my daughter ready for school, she'll say something like, 'Yeah, I have days like that', in an attempt to make me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse as, if she goes through the same, why doesn't she ever look exasperated, like me? She doesn't have days anything like mine, that's why. I ask my daughter 50 times to get dressed and it doesn't happen, until we only have seconds to spare, then I may have to dress her myself. Some days my friend might have to ask her son a few times before he does it, but eventually it gets done. Most days, he'll just get ready without having to be asked. Every single day is a battle with my daughter.

^^
I suppose that could be a good test of whether or not somebody seriously wanted to be friends - if they're genuine, they'll want to know about it. Like telling people you have epilepsy - the good ones want to know how they can help if you should have a fit.

I'm going to take an adversarial position here for a minute.

Why should we expect anyone to devote any energy to understanding our issues? I don't spend much time worrying about their problems. Isn't it a little asymmetric expecting them to spend time understanding things about me that don't apply to the vast majority of their concerns?

I think of this in terms of concentric circles. The innermost circle contains the people closest to me, those that really matter. I feel I can justifiably expect some effort from them at understanding my difficulties. If they refuse to put in any effort at all then they get pushed into circles further out. Each circle beyond the innermost circle, this expectation drops. The vast majority of people fall so far outside of my innermost circle that it just isn't worth getting too upset over their lack of effort at understanding Asperger's and autism. Explaining to these people is wasted effort. I'm better off going around, over and through them.

I want people in my innermost circle - putting lie to the stereotype that Aspie prefer to always be alone. I am also willing to put effort into understanding their NT ways. But there must be reciprocity.

It's their lack of empathy

Some people just aren't that smart, some people just don't really care to know what it is, some people think it's a "made up" condition, some people won't listen to you unless you're a doctor...there's a million reasons. People can comprehend the (simple) explanation of what AS is, but just might not care about it enough to actually grasp it.

I don't think people really understand it. It's just like when I read about adjustment disorder I thought it was full of crap because everyone has a hard time with change when it comes to divorce or separation or losing a job, etc. and they decided to make that a condition. Then I found out it actually means the person has not improved in the situation and are still having a hard time adjusting and they never adjust.


Same with ODD, how many of you have said that condition is fake while I know it's indeed real? Sure we hear about it and it sounds like normal kid behavior or normal behavior but lot of you don't realize it's to an extreme that is causes impairments and the kid is bullying others and manipulating to get their way through violence and breaking things. They also curse and scream at people and bully others to get their way and destroy property because they don't care about your things. I knew an aspie with it so that is how I know it is real.


Perhaps it's how people view AS. They see it as normal behavior and I have read a few times online it does sound like everyone but it has to cause an impairment for it to be a condition.


Now people are saying making gaming addiction a condition is full of crap but what they don't realize is those people who have the addiction don't ever get off the computer for bedtime or to be with their families or to go to work or even spend time with their friends or family so they make it an impairment. Then when they can't be on their computer playing their game, they get anxious and cranky. But of course if you have AS and WOW is one of your obsessions so you are on it playing it all the time, if you tell other people that is what you do because aspies tend to spend time with their obsessions so you are online a lot playing, people will see that as normal and a gaming addiction, not AS. But I do wonder mmm what would be the difference between an aspie doing it an an NT, it would sure pass off as normal since it's common and lot of them be upset if they couldn't be on their game but how would an NT and an aspie react if they couldn't be on it? If an aspie has an obsession that is common in lot of people such as sports or WOW, then their life is easier because people will see that as normal.

I don't think people are really stupid for not understanding AS and taking the problems seriously. They're just ignorant. I do see it as a compliment though.

i still don't know what it is entirely.

Nobody understands anything outside of the realm of their own experience.

The only way to jump over this type of innocent ignorance is to have some motivation or connecting issue that someone would reach for understanding and really try.

It is a frustrating phenomenon.

I always joke that the conversations tend to go like this:

FRIEND: Your behaviour is very odd. Why do you do that?

ME: I'm pretty sure it's Aspergers.

FRIEND: Don't be stupid -- there's nothing wrong with you!

I've learned to just roll with it

NTs in general don't view social skills as actual skills or disciplines, and they just assume that everyone picks up social skills as a kid. I find that they are more receptive when I explain that social skills are like our second language and we need to be explicitly taught these skills. They find this fascinating and understand it better when I frame it that way.

Plus, AS is not inherenly obvious to most people, since we tend to look like everyone else and have no physical differences...so they'll just assume it's a personality defect (e.g 'you're too shy!') rather than a neurological difference.

[quote="bishopzero"]I always joke that the conversations tend to go like this:

FRIEND: Your behaviour is very odd. Why do you do that?

ME: I'm pretty sure it's Aspergers.

FRIEND: Don't be stupid -- there's nothing wrong with you!

I've learned to just roll with it [/quote

Haha that's so what it's like 4me too!