In Tears... Is this TRUE about Aspie?

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My biggest fear is that an Aspie won't enjoy my company. They won't enjoy growing old together. They won't enjoy their partner.

Would he actually even be with you, if he did not enjoy your company?
It might sound a bit harsh, but you have been with this guy a year, and all it has taken is a few pages in a book, to make you question the validity of his feelings for you ? And why is your own happiness so dependent on validation of his feelings for you, or validation that he feels the exact same way as you do ? Isn't loving him about accepting him as he is, even if he doesn't fulfil your every idea of how it should be ?

By saying "an Aspie", it sounds like you are specifically worried about your SO. These are issues that you should be talking to your SO about. Your SO is a person, not simply a disorder or condition.

Are you worried because you are afraid this will happen to your relationship? Or are you upset because you already see it happening in your relationship?

I enjoy my wife's company, I enjoy growing old with her, and I enjoy her.

It's just that I don't always show it with words, but with actions.

It's either faith or fear - you either have faith in his love for you, or you fear that he won't love you. If you have faith in his love, then the fear will disipate. If your fear is dominant, then you will only make yourself (and him) miserable.

Choose faith or choose fear.

stability is something i'd actually enjoy most in a partner (of course she'd still have to look decent and not be an idiot. i couldn't do with either of those. of course, if either of those occurred many years into a marriage due to a medical problem or some similar situation then it wouldn't count.). so, yeah, the book is probably full of it. just ask him about these things.

and don't cheat on him. you wouldn't expect a man to share drawers or condoms with another man, correct? ergo, if you want to keep him never cheat on him. it's gross as all get out.

Last edited by oldmantime on 23 Jun 2011, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You know a lot more about your SO than any book. A book has to be too general to be helpful when it comes personal relationships. I'm NT, and I have a son who has AS. True, he's 7, but I'd like to share what I've learned from my experience with him and my own research. Being non neurotypical does not mean incapable. AS brains work differently and process information differently, but they are perfectly capable of learning, and they experience the same emotions as everyone else, but differently. People on the spectrum are capable of having loving relationships and are perfectly capable of communicating on an intimate level. They are also capable of having families and all of that. If your SO were not capable, then you'd already know. Personally, I'm not crazy about the Atwood book. So many of the books on AS approach people with AS from a perspective of inability instead of an ability perspective. In other words, they focus mainly on what AS can not do instead of what they can, and this is a short coming because they miss what AS can do, and often the things they can do replace the things they allege they cannot do. My son does many things that AS are not supposed to be able to do, but I assure you he has AS. Of course, he had to learn them in a way that others do not have to learn them, but he did learn them all the same. And in a lot of ways, it makes for less of a mars/venus dichotomy because he plays equally well with boys and girls at an age where there's a boys' side and a girls' side of the lunch table.
I wish you luck, and I encourage you to read Atwood and any other book with a grain of salt. Trust your instincts when it comes to your SO, and share your concerns with him. I have no doubt that the two of you can find a way to communicate that works for you and will be very happy.

The only thing I see already happening in our relationship is that SO does need quiet time. Sometimes SO gets so involved in something that SO can forget I'm there. But I don't mind that thaaaat much. SO always expresses love by saying I love you and through hugs and kisses so I don't understand why the book says SO wouldn't. What I am extremely scared about is that SO won't love me anymore. I am scared that this will happen in the future. I am scared that SO won't enjoy my company in the future like the book says. I

But then do not think your SO must be like the guy in the book ^^.

eh it is a book everyone is different it is important to rember. it has been 4 yers and i still crav my bpyfriends attention

Well, if you SO loves you, thats different. Tony Attwood isn't right about everything, and as far as I know, people with Aspergers can be very passionate about something they care for. Just talk to him about what you read.

While I quite liked Attwood's book, I really disliked the part on relationship. Saying we talk only about practical things etc. is VERY stereotypical. I can't rule out that someone is like that, but most Aspies I know actually enjoy conversations and companionship, just not 24/7 and not on gossip, chit chat etc - but usually like to share opinions on topics of interests. Moreover those who dislike companionship at all will simply avoid being in a relationship, I guess.

Then, as other posters have said very well, you know your SO much better than a book. You can also talk to him (just be delicate not to come across as accusing him of things "he might be doing in the future" as if he were at fault, because it's kind of scary).

Your SO will probably always need more quiet time than a NT but that doesn't mean lack of affection, just that he needs to recover (think as if he had to sleep a lot ^^; it's not against you, it's a physiological need). If he's nice when you are together and you like the way he is (and were not hoping to change him, which is why some NT partners are then disappointed) I don't see why that should be different with the time.

You are scared he will stop love you but that is not an AS related problem, this is a problem of every couple; I think that Aspies are less bad than others on this because we usually like stability.

All you can do is hope it won't be true for your partner.

AS doesn't describe anyone, remember that. We're all different so we aren't going to be all textbook.

If you have been happy and in love and relating well and enjoying each other for a YEAR...
why would you think something written in a book by someone who doesn't know you or your lover would change that?

There's a possibility your relationship will fall apart; they do sometimes. That has nothing to do with a label some doctor's stuck on your lover, and everything to do with, well, relationships.

One thing IS for sure: if you're constantly looking for signs your love's no longer strong...you'll find things to confirm your suspicions.

Half of making love work is deciding you're in love, and reminding yourself why, and remembering to look for the little things that made you go all starryeyed in the first place.

But take a deep breath, and think about what you've just done. You've assumed ONE guy is THE authority on ALL people with a label...which in and of itself is silly, since the label is 'spectrum'...by definition, people are going to be different with said diagnosis. Further, what if you read a book that said, 'all black men have a history of being unfaithful to their women because they've got a genetic disorder that alters the way they perceive relationships'. Would you start looking at your lover for signs of cheating because of that?

Take another deep breath, go take a bath, remind yourself why you were in love yesterday and ask yourself if anything's changed since then. And then go hug your lover and enjoy what you've made together so far. Let tomorrow take care of itself when you get there.

I think the book is total BS.

I'm Aspie and I love my NT husband to bits. I'm always coming up to him, hugging him, telling him I love him, having emotional conversations, and doing everything for him. I'm very clingy and it is he who sometimes needs time alone from me, and not the other way around. The only difference is my emotions don't show on my face and I appear very calm even if I'm agitated or excited, and I always use logic in arguments and never resort to fighting. Funny how the book didn't mention that!! !

Books are all about generalizations. No book can be written to tell you about one person specifically. Just because we have AS doesn't mean we're all the same. Stereotypes suck and I'd chuck the book out the window and forget about it. That's like reading a book that says all Black people are good athletes, or all Asians are good students, or all Indians love curry, and believing it. Blah!

Do yourself a favour and ditch the book.

[quote="MollyTroubletail"]I think the book is total BS.quote]

I can't pry this stupid book from my mom. HELP!

Borrow it one day and accidentally drop it in the toilet. Tell her you're sorry and you'll try not to read on the toilet ever again. Muahahaha!! !