Calling all teen and older Aspies...help me help my child!

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How about exploiting the focus and intelligence by:

Preparing a short lecture explaining that he might want more friends in the future even if he doesnt now. Explain that he doesnt communicate in the same way and this can lead to missed opportunities and negative reactions. Set a task for him to read books and forums about Aspergers so he can help himself as he goes along. Make it a challenge to learn how to communicate with the other humans (NTs).

Most of my friends growing up were from my block or from the gaming shop I hung out at that played Dungeons and Dragons with. Personally I think home schooling an autistic child is bad for them. Your kid will have a hard time making friends and he will find social situations even harder to deal with. I was bullied constantly when I was in school but I learned how to interact properly with other people. You don't get that type of life experinces sitting on your parent's couch.

If he does not experince this in his youth he will grow up to be an adult who is easily taken advantage of.



My parents had to force me to play with other kids. They would have walked over and turned the tv off and dragged me be the arm and plopped me down with the kids. If he likes Pokemon get him involved with pokemon card game it takes two to play maybe he will meet a friend. I played Dungeons and Dragons a lot when I was a teen the majority of my friends came from this hobby it seems to attract a lot of people on the spectrum and people more accepting of weird people. Dungeons and Dragons groups are always looking for new people to join the group and all he would need is a set of polyhedral dice. Someone in the group will teach him the rules or he will pick them up as he goes.

Last edited by Todesking on 27 Jun 2011, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm also an only child & had been bullied a lot as well for being different. It would of been nice to have friends but I had soo many problems getting along with others that I mostly wanted to be left alone to pursue my own interest(TV, legos, video-games) by myself. Looking back I think I would of been a lot better off if I had less social interaction then. I have lots of anxiety issues including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from being bullied & I was so overwhelmed from that & other stress that I could not focus on learning in school so I think it's great that your homeschooling him OP. It's also great that you care enough to want to get him involved with others but it may not be possible or practical even if he does desire social interaction & friends.

Try not to just be forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do, just make sure he is alright every now and then. Take it from someone who's been in that situation recently.

If my parents did not force me to interact with the other kids I would never of interacted with anyone. I might live like a hermit now as an adult but if I had to interact with someone I could do it with very little difficulty. This was impossible for me when I was young I needed to be pushed into it.

Interesting. I didn't learn much at all about how to socialize with people until after I left high school.

Given the choice, I am okay with not having been homeschooled, because it meant I could skip classes and have my days almost entirely to myself rather than be stuck at home with an unsympathetic parent and an abusive parent all day.

I'm not sure if this has been said yet or not, but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I have been going to public school all my life, and I haven't made a friend at school since I was 12. It's been 5 years. Chances are your son is going to be isolated anyway. NT teenagers can be so evil I can hardly believe it.

Now, is isolation such a bad thing for an aspie? In the past 5 years my happiness really hasn't gone down much, if any at all. You might want to ask him what he thinks of it. Never assume anything.

Encourage him in his special interests and intellectual pursuits. Don't force him into social situations, but do try to distill the rules that come naturally to you and explain them to him. Ask him specific questions about his happiness or unhappiness if you are worried, but don't worry too much about it yourself. No need to get anxious over a problem that may not exist for him. He could be very happy being alone, and when he is very happy, you may not be able to tell, because it may not show up on his face. If he tells you that he is happy, believe him, even if his standards of happiness don't match up with yours.

Regarding the bullying, you can explain to him why other kids bully him, as in it is their personal and emotional complexes and insecurities that cause them to pick on others to bolster their own poor self-image. Make sure that he knows that he is not defective.

Also, I think homeschooling is a great idea for AS children who do not appear to have a lot of social needs and desires.

Well maybe he does not mind spending time alone, the best thing to do would probably be to talk to him about it it and find out if he is intrested in having more social interaction. I can understand your reason for wanting to homeschool him but I would give him the option to go to school if he wants too...and thinks he can handle the negative sides of it. This can be a little tricky though because I used to spend most of my free time alone as a kid because I did not really have friends and I did get picked on a lot but I told my mom I did not want friends because they would distract me from school which was a lie......I did want friends and all that but I did not want her to worry about me so I said I was ok with it.

I think what people have said here about projecting your own feelings onto your son is important.

You really need to try and appreciate the fact that to an AS person, THEY are not different to the world - it is the world that is different to THEM. Spend some time REALLY thinking about what that means and how it reflects on what you see in your son and husband...

Be careful not to fall into the pattern of trying to convince him that if he consciously works to do things "normally" then it will all make sense and fall into place. It never will and that whole line of reasoning simply will not mean anything to him - beyond putting him in a position of not being able to deliver something you've made clear that you think he can.

An AS person is not in the situation of knowing what needs to be done but somehow not being able to do it - which I think is an all too common mistaken feeling that NT people have - there is no way to "unlock the inner NT".

Having said all that, I'm NOT suggesting that it's ok then to allow your son to entirely close himself off from the world and from interacting with other kids and people - in fact I think it's quite important that he extend himself as much as he can - and as a parent it's your responsibility - within reason and without damaging him - to push him to do that.

Be clear tho that it's not about your son ever being able to overcome HIS difference - it's about him learning to get along with the WORLD's differences.

I'm in my fifties. As a child I was always being pressed to 'have fun' like 'all the other children'. My Mum regarded my disinclination to interract with my peers as failure. I was perfectly content to be alone as a younger child, and was uncomfortable and anxious when forced to interract. Her idea of 'having fun' and mine were very different. There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone.

I attended mainstream school, then University. It wasn't easy, but I became very grateful for having the opportunity to learn how to cope with teasing, bullying and banter. It made my working life so much easier than it might have been.

My advice would be to give your son opportunities to join in activities with his peers, and to continue to do so. Make it clear that you are willing to help him socialise and offer advice if he finds it difficult (if he's like me, the basic rules of interraction may be mystifying and need clarifying and explanation.) He may be perfectly content as a loner, but he is very lucky to have a Mum who is willing to help him out if he's not.

Just send the kid to middle school and he'll pretty much see how important interacting with NT's is to a NT.

And as an Aspie myself, I am actually pretty social (just not in the "I am super clingy" way). I prefer to be by myself when I make too many mistakes.

My own mother used to love the way I could be left alone with leggo or books for hours. Even now at 27 when my monthly comic books show up I feel I have to read them alone. It's hard to truly explain but solitude and a lack of interuption somehow makes certain things more special and unique to my personal experience and fulfillment. I'm not saying it's "healthy" because in the view of most people I'm sure it isn't to drag your personal time and interests away from the rest of the pack like a lone wolf but (and I am speaking purely out of personal experience here) I have always felt most put out when others try to force me into social situations "for my own good". I like people, I just prefer to do it from a distance. And as long as I'm not hurting anyone, including myself, I don't see why my personal lifestyle is any less valid than anyone else's. If your son knew how to express himself maybe he'd be saying something similar.

I was the same way. My mom just layed out a bunch of toys for me to play with, and I'd play until I fell asleep.

First off, thank you very much for all replies.

I have to say you helped me a lot and I will direct my husband to this site so he can read all about the topics. He keeps saying to me, "I don't want the boy to turn out like me." My husband is 47 so back then you were just 'weird' if different and especially in the UK (where he is from) you had less sympathy from the educational community if you didn't tow the line. He has his problems interacting with people and hates noise and feels our son will wind up anti-social like he is.

Anyhow, my son is very different from my husband (who is a great guy himself, otherwise I would never have married him!)

My son is not a 'typical' Asperger person in some ways...he loves figures of speech, puns and language. He also is very, very funny and would be a hilarious comedian!

The thing is, folks, other people have a way of making parents of Apsies feel like ****. My family thinks WE caused our son to be this way...they say we made him introspective and not interested in the outside world or other kids. All my sister's kids play sports--my son cannot play a sport because of his visual perspective problem (which is actually better now) and his getting tired easily (again, this has gotten better as he gets older and goes to the gym).

We've never had financial support to get our son extras outside school. I have been a stay at home parent most of his life. My husband doesn't make a lot of money. Meanwhile because my sister's kids are in SPORTS they have had relatives happy to pay for uniforms and little league and so on.. We never had a lot of money for extras.


As a family we spend a lot of time together. This can get implosive and frustrating. We're trying to find our own niches in our new town.

I saw my son was different from the age of 1 or so, even in a play group. He would get upset if things (toys) were not just so. A toy train falling off the track drove him into hysterics. At preschool (age 3-5) I could see he preferred playing alone, though he was not anti-social. Again, my educational training (as a teacher) has helped me understand he is a pretty great kid despite his problems.

I actually ran an AS support group for a while with my husband and the parents basically want to either beat themselves up for 'causiing their kid to be a-typical' or they want a magic pill to help the kids get through life and 'just be normal.' It was very draining. People judge you ALL THE TIME because little Timmy is not in sports or he fixates on train schedules or whatever...

Thanks again for your nice replies. I had a bad day yesterday and it only got worse. Some days I simply burn out from dealing with fixations, repeated conversations, and so on. But I love my family and will never give up on them.

Thank you for listening.