Aspergers and being too honest

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@League_Girl

I would call your answer "a highly qualified yes." People make all kinds of excuses for their bad behaviour, and I think the excuses rarely relate to the reasons. Cruelty can wear a mask of moral superiority.

Asking a question without wanting an honest answer seems like a dominance game to me.

I learned to keep quiet about a lot of things a long time ago, but it still doesn't feel good to have to be that way. Occasionally I just come out with it, and sure enough people get annoyed.

It's got worse in some ways as I've grown older, because once I've internalised an ethical value, I tend to keep it, but society is always shifting the goalposts, and I usually see that as a betrayal, especially when it invents new sacred cows and expects me to pander to those while they ride roughshod over my own values - values they once berated me for not understanding.

I tend to feel that if a thing seems true, it's OK to say it to everybody who has any interest in that area of life, so there's not enough tailoring of comments to individual listeners. Individuals have such a diverse reaction to the same thing, and their feelings really seem to get in the way of logical thought - for example some feminists might be incapable of accepting (from a man) that there could possibly be any kind of downside to women going out to work, and if I mention that obvious fact, they just get mad. I think the problem is that I just don't do the adversarial thing in which everything that's said is designed to compete and to win an argument. So I say a thing in the spirit of getting all the info out in the open, and they just see it as an attack. Sometimes I manage to de-fuse things by pointing out that neither I nor they are all that likely to affect anything important by what we say, but it doesn't often work. I get the impression that many people could be offended by a completely nonsensical sentence, if it contained just one offensive word that could conceivably be applied to them in any way at all. Having a conversation about some subjects is like walking on eggshells, and that's hard for me to fathom, because no genuine opinion is taboo in my scheme of things, however awkward.

I'm not even sure what you two are disagreeing over. I guess whether to be tactful or not when being honest? I'm confused.

I suspect Aspies do not rate highly in the "little white lie" department.

ruveyn

I don't know. She quoted the wrong post and I didn't see anything rude or condescending about his post. Unless she somehow accidentally quoted the wrong post when she meant to quote mine. But then it's irony then because I was just honest and there she goes saying my honesty was rude and condescending. Don't tell me about honesty and then turn around and say I am being rude and condescending about my honesty because then it's a double standard and I take them less seriously what they say about honesty if they are going to call other peoples honesty rude and condescending when they're not.

I have also noticed recently that anything people don't like is "rude" so I have been making up my own rules what is rude. It's rude to ask a question and and only want a certain answer and then go accusing them of being rude when they get an answer they didn't want to hear.

I think we have some confusion here-- can we chalk it up to my being inexperienced with forum posting?

The post I was quoting I was just agreeing with. See the emoticon at the bottom?

I then started my reply to your post. Reading your edit, I may have misunderstood your intent in your reply to my post. It sounded like you were being critical and condescending of the fact that I prefer to be honest without sugar coating. And if you do disagree, that's fine. Perhaps I took your response in a way other than how it was intended. If so, I apologize for being over-quick to take offense myself.

I do even now... I think I am too lazy to make up lies

I can lie in certain situations where some ass saving is required

At the age of 10 (or 12, i can't remember) I use to say to people that they were fat or small (when i seen they in those shapes)
But my mum used to correct me, so in this way i learned soon.
I try to convey politeness with honestly. But some people have found my answers filled with arrogance. Anyway i've seen many NTs honest and rude as well (some of them have said they had to learn to be rude, in order to having the right personality of an artist).
All aspie people i've meet (though almost all of people i know are online) were polite in saiyng honest things.
On DA there is a girl that asked me an honest opinion on her sketches. I took an hour for write what i though was wrong (i'm not an expert and she at that time was slighty less skilled than me, even if with more talent) and to my longest answer she answered 'No, is not possible, so few mistakes? i'm sure i did terrible anatomic mystakes and i can't see them, what are those mistakes you didn't wrote?'
And i answered 'I've wrote every mistake i've seen, i have watched every sketched accurately and i took one hour for doing that!'

I used to call people fat too as a child and couldn't understand why it was rude. To me saying someone was fat was like saying they have long hair or short hair or that they are tall or short or that they are thin. Then when i was ten, I stopped saying that because I wanted to to get everyone to like me so I have friends and get rid of all these labels kids had on me. I was in my teens when I finally figured out why it's so rude to call people fat so it should be rude to call people thin then since being too thin is bad for you just like being fat is bad.


I have known lot of aspies and not one of them was rude even when they were honest and the ones who were rude were fully aware of it but they just didn't care. Even one of them has said he is an a**hole and that nice people end up in s**t holes and a**holes don't. We used to be friends and he was a lot nicer then and more sweet but he just turned into a dick and he admits he is one so I know he is fully aware of it and chooses to do it. So I came to believe that is why he is a jerk because he thinks he has to be one or else he will get crap and be in a s**t hole if he is nice. So that was how I came to spot the difference between a**holes and honesty. Aspies who are honest and don't sugar coat don't say it the way a**holes say it who use honesty as an excuse to be a jerk.

I will say this. I know a lot of NT's who start things by saying, 'No offense, but...' or 'Don't take this the wrong way, but...' and they think that gives them the right to be complete jerks.

I never start sentences like that, because I remember what my mother taught me: if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all. I hate lying, but I can bite my tongue and say nothing. Not speaking up and telling how I truthfully feel is ok with me, as long as I don't have to lie.

I also know there are different ways to tell the truth. Some might say it's sugar coating, I think it's being tactful and sensitive. I just think of how I'd want to hear it. Then again, I'm an Aspie, so I'm likely much different than everyone else in how I'd like to hear it. D'oh!