memesplice wrote:
Wallrus I suggesting for a moment Ahogday was doing this. He has interesting and valid stuff to share.
It comes down to this.
A. If you grow up and don't have a clue what normal feels like and you have to guess what normal feels like, then approximate it to get by, how do you know if your social behavior is
normal is whatever group or culture you find yourself? Normal has a whole bunch of feelings and cognitive states and balanced social relationships that goes with it. Without that internal datum line you have no internal means to calibrate anything with in a social environment.
B. By coming here to some extent and not being judged or studied and given loads of leeway when you get stuff that would be 'wrong' in NT society , you get a very basic idea of normal, You can then use this to build up an internal model of normal-feeling and use it outside WP because you now have even the vaguest sense of the internal state of normality.
C. It is not normal to be studied by people who think you are a pathology in NT society if you fall inside that golden line of normality. I particularly dislike these kind of guys at the moment because I have been helping devise a model for a friend who is applying for a Ph.D researching health care in the UK, drawing together all her knowledge in this field. The professor knows I'm helping her but goes all NT when it comes to talking to me . He gets slightly red and angry in the face when I ask him stuff. He likes the info and the models but ignores me in conversation. I do a menial job and this guy would be happy for me to come and lay his drive for him but not to talk about the stuff I have given him by which he makes part of his living. This is not responses to questions but actual models for analyzing the data and making sense of a complex set of problems which are not AS related.
This makes me feel like a sub category of a pathology and if I measure his verbal and non responses against those when he's interacting with my friend I can tell this is far from normal. He keeps making it clear he's only talking to me because he wants the developed models, after that I can FO out of his face and go back to whatever mindless job he thinks I'm suited to.
So right now excuse me if this research thing is outside my morality field because it makes no sense.
Anyway I'm going to stop talking about this. There are more interesting conversations.
I'm not into paybacks but if anyone of these guys tries it on here and talking to me like I was a pathology I might start going into tracking mode . I can't help this. Tracking is time consuming for me and I'd rather be chatting about interesting stuff as it Happen. ( yep you read that right if you guy's are here, just to let you know.)
Meme.
Interesting comments, I can particularly relate to C: a proven commodity to the organization but not quite human like the rest of us. Your interaction with the Professor reminded me of that reference of my value to my workplace by a supervisor; the but not quite human like the rest of us was the interpretation I got out of the comment.
There won't be many people in the future to grow up with Autism and not realize they have it. Finding out I had it at age 47, and understanding what it was, made me realize that my whole life I was attempting to be part of a matrix drifting in at out of it, analyzing what I needed to do each day to be part of it, having no idea until the end, with an understanding of Autism, that there was no one around me having to do this every waking moment to survive.
I convinced myself I was like everyone else but noone was like me, except for immediate family members with similar conditions.
I remember so many times walking in a grocery store among other people sensing a vague difference, between myself and others, but dismissing it as imagination.
Also, at a younger age, having a feeling that I was part of a much smaller group in the world, identifying people in the general population that I could sense were similar to me. All before I had any idea that I had Autism.
Also the feeling that everyone could tell that I was different more than I could. Amplified, after I left the matrix.
It's a strange thing to think you have it all figured out for so long, and realize you never did. The illusion felt better than reality. I'm glad I never knew when I was younger; given all I know now the illusion was a better way of life, hard, but it worked well enough and I couldn't have imagined a happier life.
My type of Autism was closer to Kanner's type with a speech delay and verbal communication problems most of my life, I sense here, that the type of Autism I have is different than the Aspergers type with no speech delay. I still feel more like a computer and some of the others here seem more human, and part of a different matrix somewhere between Kanners' type and "NT".
I think everyone lives in different Universes colored by biology and experience, but some I think are much more different than others. I want to go back to that Matrix that everyone else seemed a part of, but with Autism once you leave it behind, I guess there is no way back, if it's not a natural part of an individual. Actually, I guess, what I thought existed, never did; complex visual/sensory constructs of an Autistic mind and memory.
06 Jul 2011, 3:49 pm
