Autism and Aggression

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I talked to my son again just this morning about the teenagers he went off on. He said that he was really mad at the girl (the one he punched), but despite how mad he was he feels bad for hitting her. He doesn't feel upset because he dissapointed me, he feels bad for her. I told him I didn't blame him for standing up for himself because they were being mean, but next time someone does that find an adult to help or leave and play somewhere else.

I have talked at nauseum about how this is not the right way to deal with this in every way possible, as well as his social skill therapist. Per Callista's comment, I agree totally with everything you said, and because of this I really try to make it very clear about how aggression manifests itself, and saying I hate you is the same as hitting. He got sent home from daycamp a couple of weeks ago for punching his counseler in the groin because he tagged him out in dodgeball (I really hate that game). I used that as an example of what will happen in the real world (he goes to private school for kids with disabilities, so when he hits he doesn't get sent home). He was really upset that he had to go because it was right before he was going to the pool and I was thankful for the natural consequence because it validtes what I'm trying to tell him. I again asked him this morning about our talks about this aggression, and he says that he really doesn't want to do it, but he can't control himself and our talks make him feel bad. He understands that I am trying to help him, but telling him why this is not acceptable just makes him feel worse, so I'm not going to talk about that anymore because he knows, and I believe he really wants to change this as much as I do. It's the first time he actually told me he is sorry that he hurt the other person he was mad at (he was really mad at her too). It was very eye opening for me.

My husband thinks his mind moves so fast that when something happens that causes frustration he can't bring his thoughts together enough to be able to make the correct decision, so he rely's on impulse and instinct, and then feels bad afterward. My husband wants to medicate, and I don't.

I am working with a psychologist, but it's very early in the process. I really like him and he comes with many many wonderful recommendations, and I hope he can help.

I work at a rec center that has a judo program with really great instructors. I think I'll talk to them and maybe give that a try. Maybe being put in a situation that he has to think fast in order to get control of his opponent may help his mind focus in stressful situations and I would much rather he take a kid down and hold them rather than kick the crap out of them.

He's such a sweet kid...this is so hard. Thank you all so much for your support. I've been a mess since yesterday and I'm supposed to be on vacation having fun.

Yeah, I think you are describing someone who doesn't know how to be aggressive in a socially-accepted manner...

Getting tagged out in dodgeball is a reason for a typical kid to yell at the instructor. Said typical kid would probably be just as mad as your son. But with autism, it's difficult to use verbal aggression rather than simply being direct and punching somebody. A male punching a female is also "over the line", too.

Have you thought of actually teaching him how to express anger in a way that will make it known that he is angry, but without stepping over those social boundaries? It seems like right now he is being given a choice that says either don't express aggression at all, or else express it in his way--which is unfortunately considered off-limits, socially.

You would tell an NT child to "talk it out" or "go to the teacher", but I wonder whether it might not be a good idea to teach this particular kid where the boundaries are in playground violence--how far he can go. All the variables make it difficult--gender, age, social status--but I honestly don't think that a naturally aggressive person can be expected to turn into a meek-and-mild sort who never gets mad.

If, for example, he had been taught how to tell that girl off for being a b*tch, rather than punching her, he likely wouldn't have gotten into trouble. Throwing a dodgeball at the instructor rather than going for the groin would have made more sense...

For example, you might explain the social status rules like so:

Older vs. younger: Older person must hold back; younger person is expected not to go all-out, but if he does, is not expected to win. Older person will lose face if he loses the fight.

Male vs. Female: Male is expected not to hit the female. If the female hits first, he should try to defend himself, but not attack.

Male vs. male: The higher-status male is allowed to be more violent than the lower-status male. Physical violence is allowed.

Female vs. female: The higher-status female is allowed to be more violent, but will probably not be. Relational aggression (shunning, gossip) and verbal aggression are more likely.

Authority figure vs. subordinate: The subordinate is allowed to use only mild verbal aggression; no physical aggression.

Adult vs. child: The adult is not allowed to use violence except to restrain the child. The child, if using violence, will be labeled "aggressive" or "rebellious" and treated accordingly.

Parent vs. child: Physical aggression must not leave marks. Verbal aggression should be limited to accusations of laziness, rebellion, etc. Depending on the culture, physical aggression may not be approved at all, or limited to restraint or grabbing an arm and pulling the child somewhere. An adult child is treated as a friend for aggression purposes, rather than as a child.

Friend vs. friend: Painful physical or emotional attacks are not allowed, unless you wish to end the friendship.

Romantic relationships: If either partner goes too far during aggression, the other will end the relationship. What "too far" is depends on the relationship and can be anything from a perceived insult to near-death beatings. Obviously the extremes occur only in unhealthy relationships.

Pecking-order aggression: Mild, constant aggression from higher-level to lower-level, allowing higher-level individuals to keep their status. Usually stays at the mild-verbal level, but may be mild-physical (shoving, tripping, hair-pulling).

Stranger vs. stranger: Assumed to be a "serious fight". Social rules for acquaintances and friends are suspended. The limit of aggression is equal to slightly more than what has already been done to you; if you perform an act that is slightly more aggressive than your opponent's, you are escalating the fight and allowing your opponent to be slightly more aggressive than you. In this case "stranger" refers to someone whom you have not spoken to before the fight; if you have had a conversation at least once, assume "acquaintance" rules. If the fight gets physical, then one or both may press assault charges. Weapons may be involved.


You see what I mean? It's... complicated. This isn't even all I've worked out about it, and I'm pretty sure there's more that I don't know. And of course there are cultural differences too.

You're seriously asking somebody never, ever to be aggressive?

You might as well set him down in front of graduate-level math that nobody's solved yet and tell him you want a complete proof in ten minutes. It's equally impossible.

I used to be aggressive when I was younger, but that was because I had a lot of confusing things in my life.

I've since had a lot of thinking time, and now I'm very non-aggressive.

That's not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is attempting to eliminate all aggression, rather than toning it down to socially-accepted levels. I was suggesting that, instead of kicking someone in the balls, he should be yelling at them instead. Aggression has rules, just like all social exchanges do.

I was kind of like that when I was young. My mother always complained how I'd just get very aggressive from watching stuff like Zorro. I'm pretty sure I was a lot better at keeping myself from hitting other people, but I've always had some problems with snapping and being unable to control myself. It's been years since the last time I've done that, though.

I would second the suggestion of judo. I've done it for a while (very poorly, admittedly) and I think it might help. You don't punch or kick. Martial arts are very much about self-control, so it might really help.

Is he having blackouts when aggressive? Determine this by asking if he remembers and to recall what happened during that time period. If he can't then he is blacking out.

Has he ever had seizures or lights are too much for him?

Was he ever beaten or bullied?

Does he understand the rules of sports and the person isn't trying to steal the ball but it's apart of the game?

What autistic traits does he have?

I try to redirect aggression onto an item. Maybe a punching bag is a good suggestion?

A better one than expecting him to somehow swallow his anger and never act on it...

I just think that it's not a good thing to teach people that conflict is bad and you can never get angry at anybody. How are you supposed to defend yourself--socially or physically--if you can't get angry?

I notice your husband wants to use medication. DON'T. Medication can cause more problems in the long term (I am stuck on SSRIs because every time I try to come off I get severe withdrawal symptoms), along with side-effects. Most DECENT doctors wouldn't even medicate a child, not in the UK anyway. What your son needs is therapies. I don't know which sort because I didn't get them.

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