What does "It's what they're not saying" mean?

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But if we are talking about reading between the lines, seeing” the unspoken real reason” the “what I say is not what I mean” we are the (NNTs) are the only ones missing the sub-textual meaning, but it is there for everyone else to see .
So it is not down to poor prosody, but more down to NNTs missing the point, reading between the lines is not picking up on tone, intonation word usage, it is down to experience and understanding of the ‘metaphor’ used in the NTs use of their language.
For example
(Culled from some random site)
1. He Says: "We should hang out sometime."
He Means: "I'm afraid you'll say 'no' if I ask you out."

2. He Says: "I'll call you later."
He Means: "I may or may not call you at some point between now and three months from now."

3. He Says: "My ex is crazy."
He Means: "I screwed her over, and she got upset."

4. He Says: "That guy seems like a good friend of yours."
He Means: "Was there ever a thing between you?"

5. He Says: "It's a long story."
He Means: "It's a story that makes me look bad."

6. He Says: "That's a new look."
He Means: "You look weird."

7. He Says: "Why are you being so emotional?"
He Means: "Why are you acting like a psycho?"

8. He Says: "That's not what I meant."
He Means: "That's totally what I meant, but now that I see you're mad, I wish I hadn't said it out loud."

9. He Says: "It's fine."
He Means: "It's not actually fine, but I'm in no mood to discuss it."

10. He Says: "Can we talk about this later?"
He Means: "I never want to talk about this again."

What women say and what they really mean
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead.

I think that when people say "it's what you're not saying" they are expressing a fear that they are either being lied to, or that they think the speaker is purposely leaving out important information - so you could say "lying" if you like. Most people assume that there is only one form of expression (people on the spectrum and NTs are equally guilty) and if someone veers from their expectation, it throws them off. If they are in a vulnerable position, they are prone to making paranoid assumptions.

This isn't just an NT/AS issue; it can be a male/female issue, a cross-cultural issue, etc. and a common problem with interpersonal communication. The key to overcoming this problem is acknowledging the disconnect, and making sure the other party has all the information they need.

Let's say this is a cross-cultural problem that involves nonverbal language and doesn't involve the spectrum at all (I'm making some broad generalizations below to make the point, please indulge me)



The European might decide to assume, since he's culturally different, that culture is a good place to begin - and might call the American and say "I saw you were upset when you left my office; I've just moved here from Europe and I'm still getting used to the culture. Please let me know if I made you uncomfortable."

Now, I doubt that anyone is going to respond "Why did you kiss me?" but the American might understand the greeting is a cultural difference. While it would be unlikely (and a little rude,) I suppose he might say something like "In America, we typically greet co-workers with a handshake," or "Oh, the kiss surprised me, but that explains it!" - or more likely, the next time he sees the European he might back out of the embrace and stick out his hand for a handshake, modeling the behavior he prefers.

OK, I will stop typing now...

No, lying is when you give a deliberate misrepresentation of the facts. Purposefully leaving out important information is an ommision of the facts but it isn't lying. Though obviously bedfellows of a kind these two strategies are quite distinct and seperate.

As wavefreak58 stated earlier "it's what you're not saying" is used to give a positive spin, such as to soften bad news.

Another example. Your girlfriend splits up with you and says:

I really like you as a friend
I'm not ready to settle down yet
It's not your fault, it's me

what she doesn't say:

You're a lazy slob
Your breath smells
You're boring

I wonder if that is what people would called contradiction?

I know that phrase and I know they don't mean literally crazy but I never know what they quite mean. But I use that phrase myself anyway because of their weird ideas or weird opinions, or disturbing thoughts. I thought my ex was crazy when he wanted me to take him to work and back and it would be 67 miles and also the fact he didn't want to get his license because it be "cheaper" if I just took him. I think "crazy" can mean all sorts of different things. Was that just an example there when someone uses that word or have I just been misusing the phrase all along?





I have actually said this and meant it was a long story. Sometimes I just don't want to take the time to explain it.




But what if a woman says yes and actually means it?



Is that why my ex begged me for sex?



When I say maybe, I mean I am not sure.




Jeez I still have a long ways to go, I thought I could finally do it now. Of course I know when people say "In a minute" I know they don't mean it literally.

I guess that explains why Cruella kisses Anita when she comes back from the doctor's.

The point is that the OP was neither lying nor purposefully leaving out information, but the person he was speaking to seemed to think he was.

Viewed internally, as the one communicating, yes, the above is a good definition of lying. Viewed from the point of view of the receiver of communication, unless one is a mind-reader, there are all kinds of possibilities, because no one has access to the true intent of communication except the speaker. Because of this, people receiving communication may assume someone is lying when they are not.

Also, for purposes of communication: the distinction between deliberately misrepresenting facts and purposely obfuscating them is a slim one, at best. You might be accused of lying if you omit critical information, and bringing up the semantics of the word "lying" at that time is not going to repair the communications breakdown. It is best to let people know that you did not intend to mislead anyone, and then backtrack and figure out where the miscommunication occurred in the first place.

I don't think it was clear that the person the OP spoke to thought they had been lied to. They specifically said "it was what you didn't say", and the OP asked what this means. I've provided an explanantion of what this means and why it's used.

Then again, perhaps the person the OP did speak to did think they had been lied to, but that wasn't what they said and that's not the question being asked here.

Then I guess our interpretation of the situation is different.

I am assuming that the omission examples you listed are one possible interpretation of this phrase, but I think OddFiction is right, often when an NT person says this, they do not mean it literally - instead, they often mean they think the speaker is lying because their pragmatic language is at odds with their semantics.

A very basic human skill, is that of "playing" or manipulating others. Unfortunately, it is also one we tend to be lacking in. You can see it quite clearly in children.

E. G.:
Child: I want the super chocolate sugar cereal.
Parent: No.
Child: WAAAA!! !
Parent: NO.
Child: (louder) WAAAAAAAAAA!! !! !! !
Parent: (thinks) Oh sheeez. We're making a scene. If I smack him, I'll be viewed as a bad parent. (says) OK.
Child: (thinks) That worked.

Moving up several orders of magnitude in sophistication, look at the O.J. Simpson trial, in which a black attorney, Johnny Cochrin, in addressing a predominately black jury, won the case with the line: "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit". He succeed in convincing the jury that the prosecution was "playing" them. It's not at all that that wasn't the case. He just did it better.

Many of us on the higher end of the spectrum present the image of being highly articulate and intelligent. This belies the deficiencies which are somewhat hidden. Most NT's are highly attuned to being "played". Many of us on the spectrum are oblivious until it becomes overt.

In short, he's accusing you of playing him.

You may well be right. Most people are morons who cannot use language precisely, and perhaps I'm crediting them with too much intelligence in assuming they will use standard phrases correctly.

I have to say that in my experience nobody I know has ever used that phrase to describe a situation where they thought they were being lied to (obviously that doesn't account for everyone).

I've found a real world example here (doubtless there are many others) http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99036147

While many people on the spectrum believe that language is as precise an instrument as numbers or computer code, it is not. Dictionaries follow usage, not the other way around: words have changeable meanings and can be used multiple ways. Look up the etymology of the word "nice" for an example. In addition, social language and slang add another layer of ambiguity.

Accusing NTs of being "morons" (I'm somewhere in-between NT and AS, leaning towards the spectrum in case it matters) because they "cannot use language precisely" will only lead to breakdowns in communication and eventual frustration. Whatever our differences, it's important that we make sure we are understood and understand each other. While it is very true that NTs need to learn to accept there are different ways to communicate, and to be tolerant of the communication quirks of people on the spectrum, the inverse is also true.

While I'm aware we're having an insular conversation that is, at least in theory, NT-free - in a congruent situation, I'd be pretty ticked off at an NT for calling Aspies "morons" because they don't meet NT communication norms.

Thanks for the lesson. None of that had ever occured to me before.



Who said anything about NT's?

The bottom line is you seem pretty ticked off that I won't endorse your particular viewpoint. I've already conceded it's a possiblity a couple of times now. You seem to be losing sight of what the OP asked for, which was what does "It's what they're not saying mean"? You may second guess whatever the other persons thoughts were, but nobody knows for sure and it's not even important.

Last edited by nemorosa on 11 Jul 2011, 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly, calling them morons just for how they talk is like them calling us morons for not talking the way they talk.

You're making the same mistake as momsparky - I never mentioned NT's.

I Know. I was agreeing with her even though I know you said lot of people. Still, calling them morons is like them calling us morons.

Them= lot of people.