Concerning Social Anxiety
17 Aug 2011, 3:00 am
Conspicuous wrote:
Since I began my research into Asperger’s, I’ve tried noting which symptoms and traits I possess and which I don’t. Being that I worked in grocery stores for over 6 years, I had no reason to suspect I had any form of social anxiety. But recently, I’ve looked into some of the thoughts that go through my head in social situations and noticed that they are very similar to what socially anxious people report thinking. I don’t have the same physical reactions to social situations, so I’m really not sure what to conclude.
For example, in any public place, I always need to sit with my back to a wall (actually, I do that at home too). I fine-tuned my gait to remove any irregularities so no one would think me odd for the way I walked. In general, I err towards being overly polite so as to avoid any conflict I can. Essentially, I am always distinctly aware that the people around me are possibly watching me and judging me based on what I am doing. However, despite the storm going on in my head, I have no physical sensation of anxiety, and my face retains its usual nigh-expressionless gaze.
So my question is essentially this: Is constantly being very aware of people around you and changing your mannerisms and actions according to their perceived thoughts considered social anxiety of any form?
I suppose the possible answers are these:
- That’s normal for everyone; stop worrying about it.
- It’s likely some form of social anxiety.
- You’re freakin’ paranoid!
I welcome all thoughts, flames, protests, and grammar corrections.
For example, in any public place, I always need to sit with my back to a wall (actually, I do that at home too). I fine-tuned my gait to remove any irregularities so no one would think me odd for the way I walked. In general, I err towards being overly polite so as to avoid any conflict I can. Essentially, I am always distinctly aware that the people around me are possibly watching me and judging me based on what I am doing. However, despite the storm going on in my head, I have no physical sensation of anxiety, and my face retains its usual nigh-expressionless gaze.
So my question is essentially this: Is constantly being very aware of people around you and changing your mannerisms and actions according to their perceived thoughts considered social anxiety of any form?
I suppose the possible answers are these:
- That’s normal for everyone; stop worrying about it.
- It’s likely some form of social anxiety.
- You’re freakin’ paranoid!
I welcome all thoughts, flames, protests, and grammar corrections.
I have exactly this, but I'm a very anxious person anyway. It seems that a lot of Aspies here really do not care what others think. Some feel comfortable with going out waving their arms about and flapping their hands and rocking backwards and forwards and talking to themself and any other odd gestures like that. I'm not criticising, because it's good if you can be like that and learn not to care. But I simply cannot do it. Well, I don't stim anyway, but even if I wanted to I just couldn't. I don't even know what would be so awful if I did, but I know it would be awful. I like to blend in when I'm walking out alone - I don't want to be noticed and stand out among others. It's just not in me. I cannot do it. It's just an unexplainable fear. It's practically asking to be ridiculed, laughed at, and even bullied. I do not want to be the village idiot, and I remember doing humiliating things out in public back when I was 14, which I frown upon now, because it was embarrassing for the people who were with me. I remember once when I was about 14, I was in a small restaurant, and a family came and sat by us with a baby, and the baby kept on crying. I was then getting in a state, and I banged my fists hard on the table so that everyone looked (which I hadn't noticed), then I pulled my own hair so hard in sheer anger. My mum and my auntie got embarrassed. Even my cousin, who was only 3, looked up at me worriedly. I don't want me to do things like that again, if I can help it, which I can.
But anyway - yes, like you, I keep on thinking that others are taking notice of me. An annoying thought keeps on going round and round in my head. When I walk past people I see their heads turn towards me in the corner of my eye, as though they have a necessity to look at me for some reason, even though I make sure I make sure I go out looking presentable and womanly, and I've even worked on my posture, so now I know I stand up straight and walk with one hand on the strap of my handbag and the other arm moving down by my side, like I see lots of other women walking like. Anyway, not everybody stands up straight. I mean, it's not as though everyone are army cadets, where they're all marching in rhythm, with exactly the same clothes on, and exactly the same postures, etc. There are, like, 1000 people or something (I might be exaggerating) in the town centre where I go, and everybody's all walking in different ways and doing different things, so I didn't know I would be able to stand out if I tried. I'm just a stranger, mingled in with 1000 other strangers. My nan says she likes sitting by the window when she goes into a restaurant so that she could watch all the different people walk by, and she says that every person who walks by is different to the next.
Hopefully this sort of stuff helps me to think better of myself, instead of believing all these stupid things like saying I give off an aura, etc. It really doesn't help except make me feel more anxious. I think it might be social phobia. Thank god I’ve got that awareness of myself, but in another way, I wish I didn’t.
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Female
17 Aug 2011, 5:43 am
Sounds like you've developed a very good Aspie-type list of rules to blend in an NT world, and it works. Kind of like mastering a game, or mastering the scales on a piano.
Can you add another layer to the game, essentially a "level up"?
The next layer would be for all that you're doing to take up less conscious effort.
So on a piano, you would eventually play the scales without thinking about it too much, and be able to add enjoyment, or another layer of music to it.
Could you aim to do all that you're doing now, but maybe find something else to focus on, that you enjoy, while you're doing this?
I believe that this is what NTs do to a certain extent, but they're scarcely conscious of it, it comes so naturally to them.
