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My relationship with my mildly autistic brother

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liveandletdie
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25 Sep 2011, 1:00 am

Chronos wrote:
You didn't say how old your brother was, but autistic or not, most males have an interest in looking at females, and this is natural. I don't see a problem with him looking at photos and reading blogs that aren't of a sexually explicit nature. I think you actually cause more harm to a young man when you chastise him for his interest in girls or try to keep him from being exposed to them. In many instances such attitudes and efforts result in severe psychological trauma and unhealthy behavior in the future.

Perhaps you and your family assume that since he's mildly autistic he will never have a romantic relationship so he doesn't need to be bothered with these things anyway, however many individuals with high functioning, or even classic autism have the potential to have a romantic relationship as an adult.

To be a well adjusted individual he needs to become familiarized with the opposite sex so let him read blogs and look at his entertainment magazines. That is what he is interested in anyway apparently; pop culture, and to be honest if he wants to try to keep up with the popular group, then that's his choice as long as he isn't doing drugs or anything illegal to look "cool".


i thinks this is the best advice......and would have helped me a lot instead of punishment for looking at girls/pictures of girls.


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Phonic
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25 Sep 2011, 3:44 am

Chronos wrote:
You didn't say how old your brother was, but autistic or not, most males have an interest in looking at females, and this is natural. I don't see a problem with him looking at photos and reading blogs that aren't of a sexually explicit nature. I think you actually cause more harm to a young man when you chastise him for his interest in girls or try to keep him from being exposed to them. In many instances such attitudes and efforts result in severe psychological trauma and unhealthy behavior in the future.


This is what jumped out at me to, so what if he's into girls? does this fmaily think that any contact he has with females will result in him going to prison?

And it seems he's also quite interested in being NT, acting NT, fitting in, everyday it should be made clear that he never has to fit in and he should be glad he's different.

But, i wish my sister showed as much concern as you.


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The_Perfect_Storm
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27 Sep 2011, 9:38 pm

Phonic wrote:
Chronos wrote:
This is what jumped out at me to, so what if he's into girls? does this fmaily think that any contact he has with females will result in him going to prison?

And it seems he's also quite interested in being NT, acting NT, fitting in, everyday it should be made clear that he never has to fit in and he should be glad he's different.

But, i wish my sister showed as much concern as you.


I hate it when people say that... this is not true at all.

This only works if the 'different' person doesn't engage in any deviant behaviour. The OP is worried that he might start inappropriately touching women in public..

It also only works if everybody else tolerates him. Problem is when you're weird people react to that. This can lead to either bullying or isolation, both of which can make your life miserable. In cases like these being different is nothing to be glad about.



whiterat
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03 Oct 2011, 4:22 am

Sometimes my brother can't pick up subtle signals that other people patronise him. The outright pestering by that girl's friend who sent the friend request on Facebook he can pick up. But not if someone says something which is the slightest bit nasty in the world, in a tone which sounds by and large ordinary. Like this English teacher he has now. At home he describes this teacher as OK and nice, but when my mum met her on Parents' Day, she turned out to be a bit patronising and saying that since his English scores are borderline, he's probably going to be among the few people who fail the subject in the A Levels.

At this age school friends no longer come over to do schoolwork or just to visit, so we can't really size up his school friends by watching their body language or seeing how they talk. Pretty much all we have to go on are phone text messages. Apart from those platonic girls who keep him abreast with what to bring for school, we don't really know which friends we can trust to do stuff with him, and it can be awkward for a guy to keep hanging out with girls socially.



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03 Oct 2011, 8:13 am

Thanks a lot for your responses. They offer a lot more insight into your family's situation.

When you wrote that it's awkward for males to hang out with females, 1-2 male friends came to my immediately who (when not in a relationship) spend most of their time talking to women and going out with couples to do fun activities such as amusement parks, board game evenings so on. Everybody's friends with each other from doing sports and they all trust each other so that it's okay to spend an afternoon watching a silly film or casually chatting out of boredom even with a female who is in a relationship with someone else. (Some of the guys just don't want to hear about cats or books or films their girlfriend is interested in all afternoon and are glad if the girls discuss these things with a female or male friend, hehe.)

Is your brother in a club of some sort? Whether that be sports, arts, IT, writing, model making...? For someone who has few friends or acquaintances it can prove to be a great opportunity to join a club of their interest in their free-time. Besides spending time on a hobby, a person can meet new people to connect to and form new friendships (and improve socially).


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whiterat
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10 Oct 2011, 8:34 pm

I just remembered a telemovie that was produced in Singapore last year. The story is about an intellectually disabled girl. For her protection, the mother made the girl promise not to enter a relationship. But apparently the girl met a guy she likes. Not sure what happened in the middle, but the scenes I saw in the trailer involved the girl and the guy running away, the girl crying and arguing with her mother about wanting to be with this guy, and the mother pointing to the girl's head and yelling, "It's because you are not quite like other people here!"

Seems that in Asia generally, there are many parents who disapprove of their children dating while they are studying, because they feel it will be a distraction from their studies. Then when they finally graduate, they are suddenly anxious for their kids to get a boyfriend or girlfriend and get married quickly, have kids and repeat the cycle.

Any ideas on how this can relate to my family situation? Thanks

PS: These days when my brother goes on Facebook, he keeps going into the page of a female kindergarten classmate. As far as I know they have not spoken in years. Any idea what could be going on?



The_Perfect_Storm
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23 Oct 2011, 2:31 am

whiterat wrote:
I just remembered a telemovie that was produced in Singapore last year. The story is about an intellectually disabled girl. For her protection, the mother made the girl promise not to enter a relationship. But apparently the girl met a guy she likes. Not sure what happened in the middle, but the scenes I saw in the trailer involved the girl and the guy running away, the girl crying and arguing with her mother about wanting to be with this guy, and the mother pointing to the girl's head and yelling, "It's because you are not quite like other people here!"

Seems that in Asia generally, there are many parents who disapprove of their children dating while they are studying, because they feel it will be a distraction from their studies. Then when they finally graduate, they are suddenly anxious for their kids to get a boyfriend or girlfriend and get married quickly, have kids and repeat the cycle.

Any ideas on how this can relate to my family situation? Thanks

PS: These days when my brother goes on Facebook, he keeps going into the page of a female kindergarten classmate. As far as I know they have not spoken in years. Any idea what could be going on?


Sorry about the delay.

Regarding the movie... asian culture doesn't generalise very well with western culture. There are fundamental differences in their outlooks. Asian cultures are less individualistic. They emphasise family/group dynamics and successes over individual successes. So there is something of a 'responsibility' not to get distracted in school, for it brings down the family.

I don't see how it can relate to your situation. Unless you want to tell him he can't be with other people because he's weird.

You could try talking to your brother about why he's interested in one of his old classmates. It may be if they were old friends he never really lost interest in her as a person and is interested in how her life turned out.. It's hard to say. I get interested in what people from my past are doing but if I do take a look it's not for very long, and it isn't gender specific.. Perhaps they have actually spoken recently without you knowing. Who knows.