Well-meaning Condescension

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This is such a situational thing because sometimes I really appreciated the help when it was just that and other times did not appreciate condescension. So I guess the key is to try and determine the motivation for such comments and to realize that ALL friendships and relationships have things thta you need to ignore or look past. It is in the balance and motiviation that you can determine if this is something you want to tolerate. NT's are often desirous to share information especially about improving each other - I think it gives them something to offer to the group which you have to remember is naturally important for many of them. I am really trying to understand right now about my frustrations with trying to explain things from my perspective to intelligent rational people who are NT. Often they are other parents on autism support groups and when you try and clue them in on why their kid may be behaving certain ways or how certain attitudes feel there just seems to be this impossibility of them truly understanding the concept. I know some people don't like the another planet or wrong planet analogies but that is what it feels like sometimes.

With my son I make an effort to seperate what society expects (like how you would show someone a map or foreign language dictionary). It doesn't mean the person who needs to look at the map is wrong in their perspective but that the map may make it easier if they are looking for the simplest way to get from point A to point B. That doesn't mean you have to compromise or change yourself though. We often share little laughs about other people when we go out and I think that actually enforces for him that we can be a little different and that is OK.

I think there's an assumption here that people who give advice are doing so ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TALKING TO AN ASPIE.

Listen to conversations amongst NTs and you'll find people giving and taking advice all of the time, and sometimes rejecting the opinions of others (which normally leads to a wider debate). It's the sharing of knowledge which is the important part - not necessarily taking it all literally and applying every single piece of advice. If you like old-fashioned clothes because they remind you of the style of a favourite film or book, talk about it. If you prefer comfort to fashion, say this also, and maybe ask for advice on clothes which are both comfortable and fashionable. You may find that if you can offer some justification, and some cultural reference points for your choices, you may have a lot more in common with these people than you realise. It's true that there can be a 'herd' instinct but very often it only takes one dissenting voice to break the spell, and other people will start to admit that they 'cheat' sometimes, or dislike things which are supposed to be popular.

I guess it depends on the situation. Sometimes I can handle some unsolicited advice if it's done in a gentle, non-demeaning way, but I guess sometimes I can't help getting frustrated. Still, I guess the frustration may be more with myself than anything else, and I eventually accept the criticism. However, there's one fellow aspie who really frustrated me a couple times (I kept it to myself) when he pointed out some things that I was doing that "guys don't do". This was just trivial stuff, like waiting in line with him when I wasn't buying anything. What's the big deal? I mean, I'm not gonna go walking around holding hands with my male friends or anything like that, but I don't see the point in conforming to silly little rules like this. Sounds to me like he's uncomfortable with his sexuality.

Sounds more like Oprah syndrome - the talk show host even did a show on how to properly fit bras and other style issues. I'm a female and probably NT but my son is HFA so I pop in here once in awhile to try and better understand him. However, I sometimes take the opportunity to try and explain what might be going on with the NT world when it comes to your experiences.

Your friends do sound like friends despite the condescension. After your confrontation the other day, she still wants to be your friend so try to talk to her. My son and I have a code word when things have gone too far. At first it was so I would know when he really was having a problem since 10-y-o boys tend to horse around and say things that may or may not be serious (I'm going to kill you could just mean a good dunk in the pool or he really wants to strangle the kid). When his behavior is too much, I started using the same code word. Since you've found such a good friend, perhaps you two could work out a code word for when she seems to be slipping into condescension?

We all have egos and many times we mean to help. But, as NTs, we just don't always do it right. We don't understand you just as much as you don't understand us.

And, as far as studying and willpower - forget the willpower, just try to schedule a study hour into your day. Perhaps that would help? I know my son does much better if things are scheduled.

If they were your true friends, they would like you for who you are.

My best friend always tried to show me how to look more like a girl, and at first, I couldn't be bothered. Jewellery bothered me (too distracting), makeup was a chore, hair - well, it's been tough - but as I got into my early to mid 20's, I began trying her suggestions more and more. Now it's some days I try, some I don't.

But quite frankly, the only difference is that I look less disshevelled and frumpy in pictures and, once in a while, if I really try, I get compliments. Meh.

My eyes still look really big and weird, all surprised-looking in pictures, and the attention from others I can do without for the most part.

Bottom line is, though, that my friend taught me patiently and lovingly, not out of condescension but because she wanted me to have more confidence in a world where I stuck out as a tomboyish-kind-of-nerdy-but-lovable girl...