How should an NT greet an Aspergian?

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I get confused as to whether they are using it as a generic greeting or they are asking me about what I am currently doing.

So whats the appropriate way to respond? I'm so much better with greetings in Portuguese as then I have an excuse for taking things literally/otherwise misinterpreting it and responding inappropriately, and we have been specifically taught how to respond.

Well, if they ask me that question, they are going to get details. Excruciating details. Even in the supermarket check out line!

Frances

Normally, this would be great advice. In this case, however, I don't think "Frederica" knows she has Asperger's. I only found out for myself recently when, after working with her for four years and puzzling over her behavior/responses, I stumbled across AS and did a wealth of research on it. Asperger's fit her perfectly. Since I've begun treating her and communicating as if she were an Aspie, our relationship has done a complete turnaround; we were usually tense, angry, and frustrated at each other, but now I can hardly wait to see her, we always have so much fun at work, and her general disposition has improved significantly.

The human resources director informed me that I am not allowed to ask if she has AS (or any condition, for that matter), so I'm not sure how I could find out for certain.

Just mention that you go to Wrong Planet. If she doesn't know what it is, tell her what it is. Tell her you go because you have a friend with AS and you are interested in it. Then, the ball is in her court. If she has it and wants to tell you she will. If she doesn't, she want.

I have it. I'm diagnosed. I don't go around telling people, because what point would there be to that? I'm perfectly happy with the "crazy old lady" label I have. At 47, why rock the boat? I was only diagnosed a few years ago. If I needed to tell somebody to get myself out of hot water, like a judge or something, then yes, I'd tell them in a heartbeat. But, there is no reason to normally. I didn't even know what it was until I was dx'd. Of course it's talked about more now, and several characters on shows have it, or are assumed to have it, so people know about it. If this keeps up, it could eventually be "cool" to have it.

Mention WP, mention what it is and that you have a friend who has it, and then see what she says. That's what I'd do. Thats the sneaky backhanded way of going about finding out, especially if you are going to do everything that the HR people tell you to do.

Frances

I just like to be greeted the same as anybody else.

Argh, this has to be, by far, my most hated greeting. If taken literally, the person is asking you to explain everything that is going on at that specific moment, which renders it a very non-specific and annoying question. But what makes it worse is that it actually just means "hello" or something similar, but you can't answer back by saying hello. I've found that replying with "not much" tends to be a satisfactory response to that question with most people.

"I am unworthy!"

Don't mention Wrong Planet. Just ask her directly how she likes to be greeted. You know, the sort of conversation about social protocols you can't imagine having because it's 'against the rules' to talk about with most people. If she's AS she won't mind at all.

You don't need to ask if she has AS to ask her how she likes to be greeted. You could bring it up in a nonjudgemental way, by commiseration. "Sometimes I feel" statements are great for this.

Like so: "Sometimes I feel awkward when we meet every morning. It seems superficial, but I want to be polite. Do you think we should just say "hi?" or ask how each other is doing?"

If she is AS, she will likely appreciate the blunt honesty of that statement. If she is not, then it's just another awkward greeting, likely no more so than usual.

Okay, I'll try it. It may sound weird to the other NTs if they hear me asking that, but they're used to weird behavior from me.

Your HR director is right. In a work situation whether or not she has AS or knows it is irrelevant. You have found a way to have a better working relationship. Fantastic.

By knowing the general characteristics of AS you've likely managed to stop taking her behavior personally and also found ways to make her more comfortable. Once again, whether or not she actually has AS is irrelevant. The change is in you.

Please keep in mind that you can't entirely generalize "all Aspies" to this particular Aspie. (Hopefully I make sense here.) I assume you've been greeting your coworker for some time? Has that greeting been working? If so, no problems. If not, then adjust it. Unless you've been greeting her with a big hug your current greeting is likely tolerated at the very least.

Just "hey (insert name here)" I hate handshakes or hugs or any kinda touching from someone I don't know that well try not to speak loudly, or don't try sound over enthusiastic and hyperactive, It comes across as patronizing, and just annoying but every aspie is different you cant really say "this is how all people with aspergers like to be greeted" because It doesn't really work like that, but If you ask her how she is, she will probably go on forever about exactly how she feels if you don't mind hearing that, go for it!

Exactly. I always keep that in mind. Even if I never find out, or she's never diagnosed for sure, I'm still very, very grateful for this new insight, and the change that has resulted from it.



We just exchange the typical "hi." She's begun regularly saying "hi" when she walks in, (she didn't always used to) though I can tell that's a bit uncomfortable for her.

This is where being German would be an autistic advantage. In response to wie geht's? (literally "how goes it?") you're meant to actually tell them.

Yeah. Just look at her (she might or might not look fully back at you) and say, "hey [insert name]". That's the simplest, easiest greeting ever. I wouldn't hold out my hand for a handshake. It makes me feel awkward when people do that - I don't like being touched or touching others (she may feel differently, of course). Also, if you are talking to her, avoid small talk. Get to your point of what you want to ask her. Be direct.