adult aspie child inappropriate behavior

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It really isn't OK that he is yelling at her. Meltdown or not, she is under a lot of stress by this, it's not helping her by laying on a guilt trip on how she should accept behavior that is pushing her to her limit. Not unless he wants to one day live the rest of his life in a group home or psychiatric facility.

The reason why I'm saying this is that she is under a lot of stress caring for her dad. And from what I've read on them, family caregivers for the demented elderly often undergo tons of stress watching their relative deteriorate and having to deal with big medical bills, all while trying to keep it together and hold down a job. Burnout in caregivers is common, and so is the attendant depression.
And if you add in the stress from the screaming son, this additional mental strain even has the potential to become the breeding grounds for severe depression and suicide if it goes on too long and there is no relief or help.

Like it or not, he has to start expressing himself some other way (or learn to avoid situations that create meltdowns) or this situation is going to get worse. I'm not being unsympathetic to him, but one day his mother isn't going to be there for him anymore, and what would be acceptable at home isn't going to be as tolerable to someone who isn't his mother. It just won't be put up with.



Then who knows what he wants? She isn't a mind reader, and when he isn't telling her directly then all she has to go on is guesses. It might be just that having his mother's priorities diverted elsewhere is making him react, especially if he has been used to getting all of the attention from being a single child. If so, it's a jarring transition, especially as most people on the spectrum don't tend to like change.

Like I said, it might seem that I am unsympathetic. But I have had to learn (the hard way too at times) that out in the real world, if someone is accommodated too much, it's just as bad as if they weren't accommodated enough. They don't end up learning to deal with hardships that life inevitably brings or to how to deal with stuff they don't like, and one day they wind up in a group home when mom and dad get too old to care for them or get tired of putting up with the screaming and aggression.

5 years ago I had bad abdominal pain but I didn't want to go to the emergency room by myself. My mother waited 8 hours before she gave in and went with me. I turned out that I had appendicitis.

Sometimes people won't help themself because they don't know how or just can't for whatever reason.

If she can't deal with the behavior she needs to take time out for herself and get away from it. Maybe he just needs to yell. It is okay to yell if that's what a person needs to do to let off steam. If she goes to him with the kind of attitude she's expressing here - judging his behavior, acting like he is being manipulative - he's going to react to her and the yelling is going to get personal. That's the part she can change, how she responds to him. She can't stop him from having meltdowns, that is something he has to work through for himself. Maybe he will always have meltdowns, maybe he will find better ways to handle it when he does have them, maybe he will eventually stop having them...but right now she can't stop them from happening just by finding it unacceptable. This is not a guilt trip, it is just common sense: you deal with the part of the situation you can change. And you accept the things you can't change.

Sorry sorry sorry, but this has got me steamed.

This is a very typical response from a person who knows someone with Autism, but doesn't have it themselves.



Really? So if we live a certain number of years, and/or our bodies are at a certain stage of development that means we're "grown?"

The facts bear out that when it comes to Autistic individuals, this is NOT always the case. Just because he's reached a certain age does NOT mean he is fully grown!

Autism is developmental disability! By definition it means we develop socially more slowly than others. For most of us, our bodies grow faster than our social skills. I honestly did not learn to behave like a typical adult until I was about thirty years old!

Agreed. I got taken to the hospital a couple of months ago with severe pelvic pain. I didn't want to go but I was pressured into it. It didn't do any good, they did some expensive tests and came up with nothing. Now I have a huge bill and nothing to show for it. All I really needed was help getting into bed and someone to see after me until the pain eased up.

I can't take pain medicine, the way it makes me feel is worse than the pain. People have said, why don't you just take something for it? and act like I won't help myself so why should they help me. If I know how to help myself or I'm able to help myself I will do it.

To add to this, and her stress will quite possibly reduce by accepting that she can't change it and doing what she can to help him learn more functional coping strategies (that may or may not remove the meltdowns).

My boyfriend is someone who self-injures in meltdowns. He punches himself in the head. This is incredibly stressful to me, made more so because I often blame myself for it. When I can step back and say "okay, he's in a meltdown, there's nothing I can do now, its not my fault, we can work on this later" then its far less stressful for me, and far less likely to lead to me having a sobbing fit.

It's not okay that he's yelling at her any more than its okay that my boyfriend is punching his head. But in both cases, its (likely) not an active decision and putting the pressure of it being viewed as being manipulative only makes it worse for both sides. He does need to work on ways to reduce this as much as he can. However she also can't expect a sudden one day recovery because she posted on these forums and she needs to understand and accept that this isn't purposeful, that being in a meltdown isn't something we enjoy either and that showing that she loves him when he's in this state rather than focusing on the state not being acceptable can do a whole lot for some of us.

Meltdowns are unpleasant for people on both sides. To focus only on the person who's having to watch it and expect the person going through it to suddenly "grow up" because someone has to watch it is insulting. Similarly, to focus only on the person who's having to go through it and not admit that its hard for others too is incredibly self-centered.

Any solution to make this less stressful will not only be on his part, though he might be able to do things to help.

How'd you do that? I'm in my early 40s and I still don't have it worked out.

Sorry, mild joke there. But I do like what you have to say. This really has to be understood for anyone who wants to interact with autistic people. Not getting it means unrealistic and unmeetable expectations.

I truly didn't mean to steam you, MrXxxx, and you are right that many aspies aren't all that grown, however, the truth is that someday there needs to be a decision made as to whether a kid with a disability can live on their own with or without help, or may need an assisted living situation.

Parents must think about the future of their children especially if they or the child are disabled, and adult children must also think of their future and what they want out of life. This is true for NT kids, it is true for autistic, it is true for kids with mental retardation.

I'm not a spring chicken. My daughter will be 18 when I am 65. If she can't live independently then there will have to be something set up for her because I may not be able to take care of her as long as she needs. She is an adult at the age of 18 no matter what her capabilities are. At that age she will have the right and responsibility of self-determination.

Parents also have some rights, and one of those rights is that once a child reaches the age of majority they have a choice whether to continue support. Sad sometimes, but true. For many purposes the actual age is 24. Sometimes parents are stretched to the absolute breaking point and they really do have the right to take their own needs into account. Even if an adult child is completely unable to live on their own there are other living options. I know some are less than ideal. There are also respite options. OP sounds like she needs a break before she breaks.

When my daughter reaches the age of majority she will probably be independent with little help, but long before that time I will make sure she knows where she can get help if she needs it. She, not I or her adult siblings, will decide what help she needs or will accept. She will decide where she will live. Long before she reaches majority, probably by her early teens, I and her team will decide whether to start the process of getting a medicaid waiver for her since it takes years. I have high hopes for her and hope it's never needed.

That is why I said the young man needs to think about this because it is his choice where and how he lives. I most definitely do not think he should just be shooed out the door on his own with no supports.

She sure does and she's got to take the break for herself. Her son is not going to give her the break, it sounds like he might be at his limit too. They are both under stress but ultimately she is the one more capable of knowing how to cope with it.

OP, could you help set him up with his own little flat? If you helped him find a flat to rent and taught him how to look after it and pay his bills, it might be nice for both of you?

SylviaLynn I should have explained I wasn't steamed at you personally. I surmised you hadn't meant to steam me. It wasn't you personally. I was just the words "He's a grown man." They brought up some things in my own past. My parents unfortunately had no clue about the existence of any forms of high functioning Autism, and I didn't suspect until recently that I had it, and didn't learn for certain until last year (I'm fifty-one now). Reading that brought back memories of my own mother saying the same thing to me, "You're a grown man now, and ought to no better!" Every time I heard that, in my head I remember thinking, "Yeah, I know that, but I still feel like something's wrong. Like I'm not grown at all." I do remember actually telling them verbally in my early Twenties, "I feel as if there is some big secret to life everybody else knows about but I just can't seem to grasp."

I'm a parent myself, with three Autistic boys. We are fairly sure my wife is also on the spectrum, but we can't afford to have her evaluated. Her brother is, and there are many reasons to suspect she is aside from that. I've been through similar things with my own kids the OP has with hers. I tell my own kids that when they are eighteen, our LEGAL responsibility for them ends. Every time I tell them that though, in the back of my head I'm well aware that we will probably have to be some kind of support for them several years beyond that age. At this point (my eldest is fifteen now), I do not tell them what I think silently, because I do not want them to think of that as an "out" and not even try to be the best they can be NOW. I do not want them thinking we will be their "safety net" indefinitely. Because we can't be.

LEGALLY we may have the choice of whether or not to continue support, but whether or not the choice is MORAL is a different discussion altogether. The law says once a child turns eighteen, they are legally responsible for themselves. I don't argue that. The fact is though, many are simply not equipped to be that responsible at that age. Many who do not even have any disabilities are not that well equipped just because they turn eighteen.

If we do not help them as long as we are able to, what happens? Kids who are disabled enough whose parents cannot financially support them too often become dependent on the state if they are simply "cut loose" based only on their age.

I won't argue with all the options you mentioned, because I actually agree with your thoughts on that.

What I had a problem with was the apparent feeling that just because he has reached a certain age, he should be totally responsible for himself. That just isn't realistic.



The way you worded that sounded as if you felt it didn't matter whether he could live on his own without help. It may be time for him to go regardless. Now that you've explained a little more, if I'm reading it right, that doesn't seem to be exactly what you meant.

The way I had interpreted it was more like, "He's a grown man, and it's time for him to take on the world, like it or not, ready or not." You know, "tough love" stuff, which isn't always a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but didn't seem to take into account the fact that Autistics often are NOT equipped to deal with life on their own, or that cutting them loose on their own without any support might even set them up for many years of self-esteem destroying failures.

Remember, I'm Autistic myself, and not very good at dealing with a lot of things (add ADD into that, which we all also have, and you've got a real mess on your hands). It's been a very hard fifteen years. Harder than anyone could possibly imagine that hasn't been through it themselves. THREE of them, plus myself and my wife! I would LOVE nothing more than to be able to know that in about six years or so, we'll have our lives completely back to ourselves.

But I also know it's not a realistic thing to count on. My wife and I both have enough of our own personal issues. Dealing with theirs has been very hard. But neither of us ever got any help whatsoever with our issues. None. Zero, zip, nothing. Rather than look forward to that time as "our" time, and toss them to the wolves (why not? That's what we had to deal with? Right?), we aren't looking at it that way at all.

We plan to be there for all of them, and for them to have the support we never got, even if it means staying here with us for a while. Why? Because if we don't, they'll end up just like us, not having a clue, struggling and flailing randomly, maybe learning something by chance, maybe not. Autism tends to run in families. With this much of it in ours, the likelihood of our kids having Autistic kids is pretty high. I want to set an example for them for how to handle their own kids. The cycle has to stop somewhere. It may as well stop with us.

My heads a little foggy. I think I got a little off track. Sorry.

I'm right there with you, Mr Xxx. I don't always express myself as well as I would like. My youngest son lives with his dad. No way is he ready to live on his own yet. He'll be 21 in 5 days. He has CAPD that I know of, probably AS but not diagnosed. He's in school now so maybe someday he'll do ok on his own.

I'm not debating that it's unpleasant for either party (as definitely it is) but she is also dealing with another grownup (her senile dad) who likely tends to wander off in a demented haze and probably has to wear Depends to boot. I know the son isn't going to change overnight, but something still has to be done for the moment so she can get some mental relief.

It's not really the meltdowns, but the forms that they take in the son. Having someone yelling in an aggressive manner tends to really turn on the stress hormones, and she could lose it on him if he pushes too far. And by this I don't mean killing him, but certainly doing something that she might regret later. If she has a mental break, she would probably be able to deal with the meltdowns better as verses not having one, as she wouldn't be constantly swimming in stress hormones. Either he has to stay at a relative's, or he is put into a short term residential facility until she can deal with things.

Dammit, you caught me. I lied. I still don't behave like a typical adult. I did make a huge leap around then though. If people think I'm bad at it now, they should see a video of me from back then. Thank GOD there aren't any in existence!

My mother just visited. Finally at 54 she thinks I might have grown up. Gee I'm glad I can fake it. Heh.

Haha.

I think my big leap was finding a place to live with people I didn't know in 2004.



Was it you who posted about your mother calling you and asking about your finances only to give you more money and the like?