Is Aspergers the reason people misunderstand you?

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Something I have difficulty remembering when I am talking to friends and associates with aspergers is that they tend to process interactions slower than NTs. As they are processing, the non-verbals I'm witnessing are not reaction to what I've said, they are the non-verbals of someone thinking (processing). And since the non-verbals of processing can appear blank or startled, I often (wrongly) conclude that they are disinterested or defensive; respectively. If I instantaneously react to the processing non-verbals as if they're reaction non-verbals; I will be verbally "stepping on" my aspie friend's actual reaction to the initial interaction. This is a genesis of misunderstanding.

The difference in time is just a beat, but with NT instantaneously processing non-verbals and aspie processing a small beat behind, there is time enough for misreading of non-verbals and derailed interactions.

I'm not saying that this observation is the genesis of all or even most misunderstandings. It's just the one I've gained some insight into.

Yes I know this. This is why I usually let it go rather than trying to explain or reach some mutual understanding, because I know it's their choice. I think they are just doing it to themselves if they get upset over an assumption they have made. I have a hard time feeling for someone in that case so it might be a little cold of me but I don't feel like it's my place to soothe their feelings when it is their own choice.

In that one situation, I went after the guy because it hit a nerve in me. I told him I would not be treated like that, and he apologized and said he was being too sensitive. But when he demonstrated the hand gesture that set him off, I was surprised. I thought he was annoyed purely by the subject of the conversation we were having.

It's a fact that many people on the Spectrum may appear sad or angry when they are not. This happens to me, with people asking, "What's wrong? Are you mad/sad?," when in fact I am perfectly fine, even happy. But my facial expression often fails to show joy/happiness. Often, our facial and/or body language may be inappropriate for a given situation, leading to misunderstanding by NTs.

The other side of things is that we often fail to read facial/body language of NTs. So there can be a miscommunication on both sides.

People misunderstand me a lot because of my facial expressions, body language & because I am literal & direct & they aren't; they assume what I say is implying things or being insulting when it's really just me being straight forward; this problem seems to be worse with NT women than NT guys for some reason

That is probably a lot of it.

Seconded

I think a lot of you are taking responsibility for other people's problems. If people misunderstand me it's because they're thick.

I'm not taking responsibility for their problems, but I understand that NTs are generally impaired in reading autistic body language - or in other words, the fact that I am autistic means NTs will often misunderstand me.

I am not responsible for their misunderstandings, however.

No, it says your autism doesn't cause this problem. Many people on the spectrum don't have full control over their facial expressions. This is a known trait.

Not everyone will have this trait. You might not. That doesn't mean that our difficulties in not having full control over our facial expressions isn't part of our autism.

My Asperger's isn't the only reason people misunderstand me, it is however a relevant aspect.

Autism causes me to misunderstand others. It is part of the reason others misunderstand me, but it is not THE reason.

I misunderstand others because I don't have a clue what it's like to exist without MY Autism. I misunderstand NT's and other Autistics, because they are not like me and do not experience life as I do.

Others misunderstand me (with and without Autism), because they are not like me, and do not have a clue what it's like to exist WITH my Autism. My Autism is unique, just like all Autisms are. There are a few very unique NT's and some Autistics who have an easier time understanding me than others.

Let's not forget though, that there are plenty of NT's who don't understand each other for much the same reason. Because they simply cannot, or do not identify.

Because that's what all humans are like, Aspie, NT, or other.

Aspies misunderstand NTs because we are not NTs.

NTs misunderstand Aspies because they are not Aspies.

So why do they put ''can't understand others'' on the Autistic criteria, as though they're saying it's just a unique trait to Aspies only, and that NTs can understand everybody, whatever neurology?

I feel people misunderstand me all the time. I don't know if my facial expressions are off or my voice or my body language. I don't know anything about body gestures and I don't even think about it. Kids used to tell me all the time in high school to smile and at my job in Montana, my boss kept asking me what's wrong and it was starting to piss me off. Mom told me getting upset about it will just make her think something is wrong and she won't know it's the same question she keeps asking me. People are that thick. But now I don't seem to have this problem anymore because no one tells me to smile or mentions I am very happy or something must be making me happy or why am I so mad. My husband used to ask me what's wrong all time and now he doesn't anymore.

As a child, kids thought I was a show off. In 4th grade they finally had the nerve to tell me I show off and think I am so cool. I think my weird behavior made them think that because I read on here that when you are different, people think you are acting that way on purpose for attention. But back then I figured out if was my odd behavior that made them think that so I tried to act normal as possible. That is because they started to copy me so I knew. But why did they think I think I was cool, probably because I was different so they assumed I did it on purpose. I also remember the time I was playing on these bars and I was trying to get on it and this girl who started the "show off" thing about me said to the other kids on the monkey bars, "see that is showing off." WTH, I was just trying to get on the bar but I guess my body language made her think I was showing off. Now I wish I didn't care what she and the other kids thought because it would have saved me so much stress in school.

I also think my communication makes people misunderstand my intentions. But I see the same thing happening to NTs too luckily. I'm talking about online of course but in real life people seem to get mad at me less because they know me or because I have innocent features so they know I don't mean it but online they can't see my body language and hear my tone so they wouldn't know. Plus they don't know me well either so they wouldn't know what my intentions are. Online people will think I am backpedaling or judging or contradicting myself. I often think all these people are thick and I see other people get these same accusations. But it's also a possibility I am not seeing these peoples intentions so the people doing the calling out look thick to me. I have been told in real life and online I communicate differently. Communicating differently will definitely cause misunderstandings so it will look like you are surrounded by dense people. I think it's just easier to blame them saying they are stupid than saying "I can't communicate right so people misunderstand me all the time." I also think saying "I am confused (and then pointing out them saying one thing and then another)" is another way of calling out their contradiction so it's not a question they are really asking. But when I do say this I really do mean it so it's hard to tell if others mean it or not. That would probably explain why I would get crap for this when I call them out on it by asking them about it to get them to clear it up because they thought I was doing something else than asking them a question. I got told that some people lose it when their pride is hurt and it's all about pride. Point out their errors, they turn into bullies because they are butt hurt. I understand this can happen to NTs too when they also ask about it because they are genuinely confused and what an explanation. I think with so many double meanings and people learning the codes of them, it causes confusion because no one knows when people mean it so they always assume it's the double meaning so therefore it causes misunderstandings. It's like they have cried wolf so many times now people think it's always the double speak they are doing. But does my Asperger's cause this? I do not know since it happens to NTs also. Also this misunderstanding has happened with other aspies not NTs, so perhaps they have been around NTs too much and learned some of their language so when I did it, they assumed I was doing something else than asking a curious question because I was confused.

I think if you appear innocent to people, they get mad at you less for things you say because they know you don't mean it. But the downside to that is it creates predators like people who will try and sell you things or people will try and take advantage of you because they think you will be a sucker and won't know what their intentions are. It pisses me off. Plus they may also treat you like a child even if they don't do the other stuff.

If you could control your face and had Aspergers, some people would still misunderstand you. The reason would be they aren't smart enough to work it out. If a tourist can't work out how to get to the castle, and they don't ask anyone, and they keep going down blind alleys, and they still don't ask anyone, the reason they can't find the castle isn't the location of the castle. It's because they're morons.

I used to get this all the time too, people telling me to smile or asking what's wrong. It was really annoying. So maybe there was nothing wrong before they asked me but by they asked I was annoyed. So I'd say "nothing!!" and I meant nothing but it would come out sounding like there was something wrong. People finally stopped saying those things to me.



I remember wearing a new pair of boots to school in the 7th grade, the shoelaces were that really slippery kind that come untied all the time, the kind that are round instead of flat. So I kept having to retie my shoes over and over, and these girls started saying "look at her, trying to show off her new shoes!" I don't know why people say things like that.



It is way worse for me online than in real life, but I try not to take it personally because I think everyone gets misunderstood online. There have been a lot of times online when it seemed like everyone else in a group understood each other and I was the only one left out. But if I watched long enough I'd see them do it to someone else too, anyone who didn't meet the criteria for their clique.

Yeah I have that sort of innocent looking face too, but I think sometimes it works against me. People expect me to be sweet and nice and they don't see it coming when I say something "rude". But for the most part people treat me better in real life, they seem to see something about me that makes them softer towards me. Whereas online people can be really harsh and they never see how it affects me, they just judge by my words, and my words usually don't tell how I feel.

I realize that this is an old thread. But it's a good thread, so I'm going to reply to it. Our Asperger's can both cause us to misunderstand other people and cause other people to misunderstand us. This is because our Asperger's can cause us to unintentionally behave in a way that might naturally offend people, including us if we were on the receiving end of it. And our unintentional behavior could also be the result of us misunderstanding the behavior and intentions of other people.