Attaching meaning that is not there...

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Ah! Okay I get it. I just shrug that off to be honest with you. I can't control how others choose to react. If I meant to be polite, and I expended effort to be polite, and others choose to interpret it as rudeness, I might explain once more that I meant no offense. If they continue to choose not to believe me I say, "To hell with them. Let them wallow in their perceived offense." I don't have time for those games anymore. Life is too damned short.

Me too. It's why I started a thread saying "my life is a series of misunderstandings" because it is a major part of my life, not just some minor thing that happens now and then.

It is hard to have any relationships with people when there are constant misunderstandings and it exhausts me so much I end up just wanting to avoid the person.

I cringe now when people say they said this or that to be polite because I had just realized this year that when people say things to be polite, they don't mean it. It's the same as them saying they said this or that to be nice. I learned this through my husband because he tell me "Oh I told them that to be nice" and I eventually figured out he was lying to them but he said he said that to be nice. Since then I had wondered if people say certain things "to be nice" like if they say they will come back later, they maybe mean they won't come back because they are "just being nice." It's like I trust people less now what they say. I am always wondering if they are saying this or that to be nice or polite.

I also let people think whatever they want and I will find myself saying sometimes "Interpret it however you want it" because I don't have the mental energy to argue with them and I find it a waste of my time because to me they are morons who can't read right. Besides when you do try and explain what you were saying, people just think you are backpedaling or contradicting yourself so why bother? They're that dense or just someone who wants to pick a fight so they are doing it on purpose just to troll. I bet even dumbing up my posts will still make them think I backpedaled in it.

My last two relationships were full of misunderstandings. I have no idea if my first one would twist things I say or because he was so literal. The second one would take things I say the wrong way. He called it his social issues and one time an NT here posted about her aspie husband doing the exact same thing to her and well that thread pushed my buttons because it reminded me of my ex. I never went back to it after posting my angry response. I don't even remember what I said in that thread. I think I said something like if aspies are so literal, her husband should be listening to her words and I should have said that to my ex but I didn't think of it at the time.

I wonder about it too because lots of times I had to find out the hard way, I took people at their word and then later found out they didn't mean it the way they said. I wish people would just be honest, like if they are not interested in something just tell me directly rather acting like they are interested to be polite. I hate when people let me prattle on about things they are not interested in and then later they get mad because I was somehow supposed to know they were just being polite to me.

One time I told some friends I was performing in a concert, and they acted like they were interested in it and wanted to come see me. But they didn't come. And later when I asked them why they didn't, they acted sort of sheepish about it and still didn't really give me an answer. I guess they were just being polite and I wasn't supposed to take them at their word.

Oh goody, another opportunity for me to mention that I call this lack-of-cause-and-effect the Project-O-Matic 3000.

The model that the Super Science Researchers use is the Project-O-Matic 3001, even moar inaccurate.

I think it would be honest if they wished you good luck or tell you to have a nice time there. Those are the things I say when I am speechless. I do want people to have a nice time because why would I want them to have a bad time? Why would I want them to have bad luck? So I see that as me being honest when I say it.

I just got a reply to another thread about this topic I put on a different forum board that highlights my point.

On saying that I do not like vanilla ice-cream the person replied by saying that I was whining and complaining by saying that I did not like vanilla ice-cream and that I should merely refuse the ice-cream and say nothing about my likes and dislikes.

Ok now I am complaining in this post about the other post (just so there is no confusion) but I still fail to see where saying that I do not like something is classed as whining or complaining. It is merely a statement of fact. I do not like vanilla ice-cream. There is no other meaning beyond that. I am not talking in code I am merely saying I do not like that particular flavour of dessert.

People confuse me!

Yeah, people seem to want to interpret almost every statement a person could make as competitive or manipulative. That is, 'manipulative' in the sense that it's (assumed to be) calculated to cause a certain reaction in the recipient. It's like there's no way to actually just make a statement -- all communication is assumed to have some 'manipulative' purpose.

That drove me nuts one time when even medical people were doing that, which made it nearly impossible to get real answers to my questions.

Does anyone else think that attaching all this hidden meaning to language just makes it complicated sometimes and that it would be better if people just said what they wanted to say without hidden agendas and meanings?

I mean it is fine in literature but when trying to communicate why complicate?

I have wondered the same thing many times!
But unfortunately the 'normal' language is basically just hidden agendas and multiple meanings. I class it as a code because it is in a way, saying things a certain way can mean something completely different!

It really is unfortunate that the 'normal' language can't just mean what it's supposed to mean. I just wish the world got a little bit more literal when it came to talking...


My life goal is to work out why people talk like this. If 'everyone' was supposed to know you were calling something bad then why don't you just call it bad? I would maybe understand if it was in politics or something but why talk like that to 'friends'? Seems like a complete waste of time and effort to me...

A great example of being misunderstood. Me (NT) and Aspie hubby.

I've been working crazy hours and our place is a hot mess. Fior doesn't help with the housework because I don't have the time, energy and Xanax (for me) to give him details like he's 10 years old.

So I spent all day cleaning. I mentioned I was glad it was done, and Fior says, "If you can keep it clean, you wouldn't have to work as hard."

Mind you, Fior made about 60% of the mess.

Had an NT said this, I'd be PISSED, and holler, "F_ck you Captain Obvious. If you cleaned your share of mess, I wouldn't have to work like illegal domestic help on my GD day off." I would view it as a slam that I am a pig house keeper.

This moment in time I know Fior is stating a fact. It isn't a loaded comment. In fact, years ago I would have a Hindenberg size melt down, and Fior had this scared, befuddled look on his face. Back then, I think, "Oh you can dish out the sh_t, but not take it. Sucks to get it heaved back at yah. jerk"

In reality, Fior was terrified. He had NO clue what he said that was wrong, and there I am in full bipolar, manic verbal attack mode. Screaming that he could shovel the slams like a man, but acted like a p_ssy when it came hurdling back.

Now Fior's statement of fact is his attempt to make conversation, nothing more. Took me a LONG time to learn it.

It'd be easier for us. What I've been told more than once is that NTs don't consciously attach the meaning and it's difficult for them to consciously extract that meaning. That is, they're totally not doing it to spite us. But it is extremely frustrating.

You know who attaches meanings to almost every statement I make? My therapist. No wonder we have communication issues, her and I.

That is what irks me about therapy. I am due to see a new therapist in January and, whilst I am waiting to see how it goes this time, from previous experience I know they can tend to attach a lot meaning that is not there, on which they then tend to base any assumptions they make. This means they often end up getting things incorrect and the therapy fails for me. For this reason therapy has thus far turned out to be a waste of time for me as my therapist rarely seems to understand what I am trying to say due to this difference in attachment of meaning.

I sometimes think that I am speaking in an alien language or something, even though I am in fact using English (to the best of my knowledge anyway).

This just adds to my frustration and results in my avoiding socialising even more. All this miscommunication is so tiring that it makes socialising very unpleasant, especially when people attach meaning and accuse me of all sorts of things I am actually not doing. Over the years I have been accused of lying, attention seeking, back peddling and making excuses and being intentionally difficult when I was doing nothing of the kind!

It really does put me off wanting to be around people and is one of the main reasons I now avoid social situations. I hate being accused of doing things I am not doing, it upsets me, especially if people make me out to be a horrible person when I never meant to be horrible or inconsiderate or whatever at all. Had I have known whatever I said was going to cause so much fuss I would have kept my mouth shut.

I sometimes wonder if people are highly paranoid or highly negative as they always seem to be looking for some kind of hidden meaning and ill intent in everything everyone does.

Ie if you are talking about your experiences in terms of growing up in a violent household, for example, they assume that you are attention or pity seeking. No, I am merely outlining my experiences as they were a very long time ago now and I do not require sympathy. Understanding them in terms of how they might affect me now as an adult (Ie I have an aversion to violence) yes, but I do not need people to feel sorry for me or pity me over something that can no longer hurt me as it was over a long time ago. Nor am I seeking attention.

Once I have done the emotional processing, once I am removed from an upsetting situation it no longer upsets me. It will only upset me if it is something that keeps happening. After all life is about the hear and now and the future and the past is long gone. Your past can only hurt you if you invite it into your present! Otherwise it is over and I prefer to move on and let it go.

Also people's insistence that you are either fabricating things for sympathy or attention or that you are insulting them directly by saying that you do not like something they have offered you seems to be a little paranoid to me. It is almost as though they are looking for the bad all the time...They seem to be programmed to look for the negative in peoples actions rather than just taking them at face value. They have to attach all this other stuff as well!

And people say I am over sensitive...

Last edited by bumble on 19 Dec 2011, 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.