No one wants to listen...

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It makes sense because, I believe, you do talk differently about your interests. And I guess that other people will notice that immediately. It's too much at once for them.


I love talking about celebrities, but not the way I SHOULD do it. It is funny. I do not feel like mocking "random female celebrity" about her look/acting abilities/party schedule. I am more interested in them as people, not as a "role".


I am bored by the obvious stuff, too. What's the point in talking about that...

The point is people do not actually want to really talk. They pretend.

Thanks for the explanation! I really liked school (the learning parts) and got along with the teachers Guess that explains a lot.

I have a lot of trouble keeping track of what the different sports and movie celebrities look like and what they are famous for and all that stuff that many people find fascinating. I really like to talk about how things work and people seem to not really care as long as they do work. I've had some sporadic success with funny stories of things my kids do or funny stories of times I've goofed. People seem to like to laugh and if you can laugh at yourself for things that aren't really important then that can work. People usually tell you their funny stories back. I think if you show you're not perfect first they seem to relax the conversation, or maybe I relax - hard to tell which but at least the conversation doesn't just die. (ack, I'm back on how it works, please someone stop me, because obviously I can't stop myself - shutting up and banging head on table now ..... )

@bumble - talking about the barking dog comment is soooo sad but true.

nerdymama wrote:

My son-in-law is a good observer of people, and after we found out about the Asperger's, and something about the sort of things I haven't been doing "right" all my life, he pointed out that when I'm _listening_, rather than talking, I don't do that continual "yeah... yep.. yeah.. no.. huh". I may not be doing exactly the right thing with eye contact either, though I'm generally okay or good with that. The thing is, that without that continuous feedback, the talker (NT talker) feels that I'm _not_ listening. For a while there after she was grown, my daughter was certain that I was getting deaf, and she was certainly frustrated when she tried to tell me about anything, because she believed that I wasn't getting it.

As someone who has both NT and Aspie traits, I don't have this conversation thing fully licked either, but when I do have conversations, I have to remember a few things:

No more than 3-4 sentences at a time, then ask, "What do you think?" Then give them a turn to speak. Doesn't matter what you really think of what they say, it's more important at that point to engage them, to allow them to have an opinion, and not to put them down by correcting (really, really hard), even if you DO know better.

If you want to correct someone, then say something like, "Well, what do you think of....." or "Well, I read that, ..." or something similar, allowing them to make up their own minds if they want to accept your information as absolutely correct.

In my experience:
Most people don't like to be corrected
Most people don't like to be lectured at, unless they're in a learning situation, or they've asked you to explain something
Most people don't like to be made to feel like idiots (if you always appear to know better or more than they do)
Most people want a turn in any conversation
Most people want to feel like they are contributing equally to the conversation, and that their knowledge or opinion matters (even if you know absolutely that they are wrong or don't have their facts straight)
Most people want to feel like they have something to say that matters to the other person (you)
Most people don't want to engage in a one-sided conversation where you are doing all the talking

As much as you want to talk, so might they want to talk. They might want to talk more than you. They might be happy to listen. You have to figure out which one of these things is true.

If you are talking really fast with information overload for the other person, they could bored really quickly, or they might think YOU think they are stupid because you have more information than they do.

It could be as simple as they have other things to do and don't now how they can get away easily. Give them every opportunity to leave the conversation when they want to.

What you are doing when you engage someone in conversation is building a relationship/friendship of sorts, which may or may not develop over time. It might just be the one conversation you have with them, but they want to walk away feeling good about themselves and that they had something of value to contribute, just like you do!

Take a breath, and let them speak. If you can't read their facial expressions or conversation cues, then ask! Be prepared for a "no" response, and don't take it personally - they have their reasons. Ask... "Are you interested in more information?" "Would you like to talk about (whatever)?" "Can we continue this (conversation) another time?" And so on.

Engaging the other person in conversation, means asking questions or giving them the opportunity to talk.

What you say, depends on the situation, but if you look at what I've written and try to relate that to how you engage in conversations now (which I can see or hear), then it might become easier for you to see how or why the other person reacts like they do. It may just be as simple as they really are interested. If you think they are bored, then look again at the points above.

I hope this helps!

Soozi, I do believe that you have it nailed!

Thanks... I might have it partially licked on paper, but I've only recently come to understand why I tend to lecture. It is extremely difficult to shut one's mouth when you have lots to say, when you know more than they do (and you can appear arrogant), and you have the facts straighter than they do. The down side is that it's not only intimidating for the listener, it doesn't give them an equal footing in the conversation.

Having got to my 50s and realizing I'm likely a mild Aspie with major hypersensitivity, it's kinda funny to me that I can sometimes be so insensitive in conversations. But I get why now, and that new understanding will surely make it better for me. Having to quantify it by responding to this thread, has probably gained me more insight than I could have imagined. I hope it helps others too.

Unlike some, I don't have a problem reading people's faces, cues and expressions, I have a problem ignoring them!

But they are WRONG!

(I understand fully what you mean, it's just... aaaaargh! It's so difficult to actually not correct people who say inaccuracies.)


This has not worked for me. When I start with: "I read that ...", I always end up giving a full bibliography. However, it is still better than when I start with: "To be perfectly accurate, it must be said that ..."

Talk louder!

All of which I do, but I still have this problem of people talking over me or being dismissive whenever I open my mouth. It's like they see me as a second-class human.

I get ignored a lot when I talk, but my friends and even strangers are at least cordial about it. Some of my family members actually get pissed and call me a "know-it-all". Umm. I don't get it. They talk about the crap that they enjoy, so why can't I talk about the crap I enjoy when it's my turn? Oh, I don't get a turn because they don't like the same crap I do? Frickers.

Totally get that, and I'm utterly guilty of that myself, but even an old cow like me can learn new tricks. I figure it's more important sometimes to have the social interaction than it is to be right. I've found that if I stop to give the other person a turn, I get out of my ego, and maybe learn something about them.

"I hear some people say/think that!" might work too... You're acknowledging what they said, telling them you don't think the same, but not outright making what they say wrong.




Remember the 3-4 sentence thing. I'm so bad at that, but when I'm fully aware and remind myself, it's much better.

Then they're not playing fair or being kind. I can imagine what that makes you feel like.

Social interaction is a learned skill. Some do it naturally. Others have to analyse the game and figure out how to play it.

Why not ask a very good friend to give you some honest feedback on how you do in conversations. Be prepared for criticism and don't take it to heart. Use it as information that you can work on.

The problem with people like us is that we are incredibly passionate and intense about our interests, and too often it's not something that others are interested in, especially not with the same passion and intensity.

There is no doubt that people can be incredibly judgemental and dismissive, especially when you/we have a condition that someone has made a judgement about and results in you not getting the respect you deserve.

Why not tell your family how you feel and ask what you can do better in conversations to not feel so left out? Maybe they'll help?

I know what you mean. If it is about something no one else can relate to, it's automatically not worth their notice. Because sharing is about sharing the same stuff over and over again. Maybe it makes them feel safer in life.


The answer is easy. Do not talk about anything that you love. Or that you think is important. This is what life has taught to me. The only thing to do is to find people who share your interests. Forget about the rest.

No matter whether people know about your condition or not, they will dismiss you.

I talked about the problem of feeling you're worth nothing with a friend of mine today. She said that the only thing to do is to be at ease with yourself and not care about the opinion of others. It's the only thing to do, I guess. If there's no one to discuss your interests with, just leave it. ^^ I often am in bad moods when I am over somewhere where I cannot talk about anything I really care about. I sit around for hours on end and am bored endlessly. I always feel like doing something. So it's good if I have a book with me.

Last edited by TheHouseholdCat on 07 Mar 2012, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I see NT's in that way , dumb apes in fact , even Drs, imagine that not even being able to DX brain injury

Their not all bad I suppose at the time one was abe to but nobody took any notice of what she had to say (a bit like me around here) , may be because she was female ?


It's a mans world what are you gonna do about it?

Exactly! This is one of The Four Agreements (by Don Miguel Ruiz):

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Not as easy as it sounds, but works. Whatever others think of you… that's their reality. Whatever you think they think of you, and whatever YOU think of you, that's your reality and that's the one that can be changed.

Find like-minded people. People who will accept you just the way you are, and respect you for who you are. Do you deserve any less? Absolutely not!