Why do some aspies attract despicable people?

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I'm not despicable to other people. I'm just seen as a mug. The trouble is, I'm not vulnerable on the inside. I see warning signs in people very early, but I have problems reacting to them. I can't just say ''oh I see you are a bit of a weird person who will use me, so I do not want anything to do with you any more'', and I can't just suddenly cut them out of my life if they haven't actually done anything (yet).

I think it's because I'm a bit too loyal. I give in to people too much, I like to show I'm a good friend and a good listener and a good person for them to confide with, but the trouble is I do it so much that I start to put their feelings before mine. So too much empathy is where I start making problems for myself. It doesn't just happen to Aspies, it can happen to gullible NTs too, but it just seems more common in Aspies to have that gullible trait in them.

Being sweet and sensitive is part of my personality. I don't know how to not be.
I hate David Cameron so much, but if somebody tied him up and gave me a gun to shoot him with without me getting into trouble, I still wouldn't have the guts to do it.

Despicable people require nice people to allow them to do their despicable acts, less nice people are on to their game, prolly because they can relate to them better he he no we aspies cant read them, until we learn how. Being lonely makes us willing to trust too much. Its not hard now for me, after a few hard lessons you finally learn.

From a brief article below, bad boys and their relationship to nice people is explained.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/ ... s-bad-boys

Ask Carole, Evolutionary Agony Aunt
Why do nice girls fall for bad boys?

Carole Jahme shines the cold light of evolutionary psychology on readers' problems. This week: bad boys

From a nice girl, aged 37
Dear Carole, Why do girls – even nice girls – fall for bad boys, even when the girls in question are 37 and should know much better? My friends and I don't understand ourselves.


Carole replies:
The "dark triad" of human behaviour consists of narcissism (or self-obsession), psychopathy (including callous, impulsive, thrill-seeking, risk-taking behaviour) and Machiavellianism (exploitative, manipulative and deceitful behaviour). Bad boys exhibit dark triad traits and their behaviour, according to one theory, is genetic, meaning they are unlikely to change their ways.

These types of males tend to favour short-term relationships (including one night stands) over long-term relationships. They also attempt to compete with other males by poaching mates for brief affairs.

Research has shown that a touch of evil can bring fitness benefits: these males tend to have more female partners and thus more reproductive opportunities than other males. The fictional character of James Bond is frequently cited as possessing dark triad traits.

Although the dark triad personality type appears to be universal in human society, having been identified in 57 countries, it does exact real costs – otherwise bad boys would be more common. Those exhibiting dark triad behaviour need to prey on the cooperative and unsuspecting.

If bad boys stay in one place and among the same group of humans for too long their psychopathy will be exposed. It has been predicted that this evolutionary strategy can only succeed if bad boys manage to achieve anonymity or lead an itinerant lifestyle.

Evolutionary-anthropological research on hunter gatherers, such as the !Kung San of the Kalahari, has shown that successful, risk-taking hunters – who "bring home the bacon" for the group – get the most mating opportunities.

As a single trait, successful risk-taking is universally appreciated as a sign of good genes. The combination of brave, risk-taking behaviour is frequently attractive to females in the short-term. But in the long term, although females remain attracted to bravery and risk-taking they also look for the crucial additional trait of altruism.

Thus, if given a choice, a female will apparently favour a brave altruist over an opportunistic risk-taker.

Ironically, "nice girls" may be the only females who tolerate the dark triad male personality, forgiving these naughty boys and inadvertently giving them yet another chance to misbehave.

Are you prepared to be a single mother? A bad boy son who survives all the risk-taking behaviour to reach reproductive age may make you a granny many times over, but are you really looking for quantity over quality?

You need to ask yourself this: "Do I want to be another notch on this man's bedpost, or would it be wiser to hold out for a brave altruist?"

1. Paulhus, DL, Williams, K (2002) The dark triad of personality: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality; 36: 556-568.
2. Jonason, PK et al (2009) The dark triad – facilitating a short term mating strategy in men. European Journal of Personality; 23: 5-18.
3. Dunbar, RIM, Kelly, S (2001) Who dares wins, heroism versus altruism in women's mate choice. Human Nature; 12: 89-105.
4. Smith, EA (2004) Why do good hunters have higher reproductive success? Human Nature; 15 (4): 343-364.

I have a problem with my dates. I always date the guys who asks for it despite I never liked them. I want to be friendly and want to carry out with the social rituals because I want to be in a relationship. I always think "who knows, maybe this guy is cool, I'll date him". But all the guys I dated were complete idiots (they were always menacing, coercing to get sex), so now when I meet a guy I fled in panic. I don't know any girl with so many weird experiences with guys, so I suppose the problem is that I have no idea about what to do when a guy is interested in me and the anxiety make the (wrong) decision in my place.

I want a relationship but the process to get one sicks me. Anxiety, fear... I find all this world of dates so unpleasant and, why not, hostile, I don't know who I like, who I don't like, who seems trustful or who doesn't. I would love to enjoy it as the rest of people but I can't. I'm so lost.

I have had problems with friends too. I have been betrayed by one of them lately, I was always there to comfort him (he had some big problems) and we had some fun together, but then I discovered he had been an hypocrite, he was saying horrible things about me to other people during our friendship and I never noticed, despite I knew he was so critical with other people too. Maybe the "problem" was my "disconnection" while we were in big groups of people. He had so boring friends and I didn't have the energy to mantain conversations about make up and similar stuff, so I disconnected a couple of times. Not a big deal, I did big efforts to be talkative and I remember those nights as being quite good, but he was hipersensible and critical and made a big drama. He overreacted a lot and that was too much for me. He really mocked me, I trusted him!

But really I have very good friends out there, they never had a problem with my "disconnection" moments when we are in big groups of people

because I'd always take whatever attention I can get. I also thought it was ok to be despicable at times too and therefore got approval from despicable people. I've had to learn the hard way to prefer friendlessness over bad influences.

I think it has to do with our naivety and us wanting friends very badly or relationships so we take anyone. I made poor choices with my first ex's when I decided to be with them but I decided to take that as lesson learned and use their personality traits as red flags. I get very mad at my husband when he starts to show a trait of one of my ex's such as he gets an idea in his head and wants it done now. It gives me stress and then he wonders why I am over reacting and yelling at him.


Even as a child I had friends who were mean to me and not nice and I still wanted to be their friend. I was so desperate for friends and would always hope it would all blow over. Plus I was too forgiving so it let them hurt me again and again.

I must have lucked out, because my boyfriend is another self-diagnosed Aspie. We have so much in common that it scares me sometimes- we're pretty much thinking the exact same stuff, but he usually states it before I do. I am a pushover, but I haven't had an interest in relationships until 17. We met on an online game, so it was different than if I met someone in person... We met in person shortly after and have been in love ever since. I could keep going, haha.

Personally I thought the people were self-confident and rebellious against a world that I do not particularly enjoy and so I figured they must know something I don't, they must have had some 'better way'.

Ultimately I always discovered that no, they don't, they are just anti-societal for selfish reasons or are not rational at all. After a few (two? three? four?) of these 'relationships' (more like parasitism) I learned to spot the pattern..

The thing is, I generally find nice people to be too boring/predictable/etc. But, eh, that's how it goes for me