26 Apr 2012, 11:39 am
26 Apr 2012, 11:42 am
26 Apr 2012, 11:42 am
Why they can't debate on a subject without taking it personally and without getting angry when the person they're talking to disagrees with them. Why so many of them resort to calling people stupid when they run out of logical arguments.
Why, although they don't like logical debate, they seem to thrive in the realm of interpersonal conflict. I mean, they so easily get worked up on some minor thing and stir up a whole lot of drama and conflict. I so hate this, I'm so sensitive that fighting with someone totally makes me sick.
Why the vast majority of them have absolutely no theory of mind even towards other NTs (as much as the psychologists would like us to believe that).
_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.
26 Apr 2012, 11:51 am
jetbuilder wrote:
People who are constantly moving their hands all over the place when they talk.
I do this all the time and it's not an NT trait. Actually, many NTs frown upon it or make fun of it. With me, it's an ADHD trait. It's similar to stimming. It helps me focus on what I'm talking. If I don't do this, I immediately lose focus. Sometimes, I notice that my hands are basically just representing on a bodily level the same story my lips are telling (so it probably helps me express myself even better). I'm saying this, because I noticed that this behavior increases when I'm supposed to express a point of view in detail and in a lengthy way, so I need to keep focused on the task of communication. It's not that obvious when I'm just uttering a line or two in a conversation...
The cause for it is the same as for the restleness and fidgeting of ADHD people: it's an attempt to increase dopamine levels in the brain by motion. If, for some reason, I'm not moving my hands all over the place (e.g. I need to hold some object at the same time), I'll certainly be stimming in some other ways, either by fiddling with the said object or by using another body part.
_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.
26 Apr 2012, 12:26 pm
26 Apr 2012, 12:28 pm
26 Apr 2012, 12:32 pm
StarTrekker
Veteran
Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,088
Location: Starship Voyager, somewhere in the Delta quadrant
26 Apr 2012, 2:03 pm
26 Apr 2012, 2:08 pm
26 Apr 2012, 5:27 pm
I think League_Girl described some really good ones. Agree with cubedemon6073 about picking your battles, too. That's a decision I have to make regularly.
The thing that got me the most, especially at school, were the stupid comments they sometimes make as an opening statement of a conversation (I guess?), especially about the other person's behaviour or appearance. I guess that might be "banter". I mean stuff like:
- "Can you pull your socks up any higher?" (Commenting on the fact that the socks were already higher than they'd like.)
- "Did you enjoy eating your fingers/swinging on your chair/other stimming?" (Commenting on behaviour that they found odd.)
What are you supposed to say to that? "Err... yes"? I mean, I understand (now) that these are not meant as literal questions, but that doesn't help me: what am I supposed to answer? The only socially acceptable response I've seen to this is to start laughing at myself, telling them how silly I am - but what if I don't want to do that? What if I don't think there's anything to laugh at, even though I understand that they think so?
League_Girl wrote:
I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
I think it just makes people feel understood when they are listened to and agreed with and that itself makes them feel better. Offering a solution is a bit risky, because they may not agree that it's a good solution and it may tell them that you really didn't understand their problem after all, which is the opposite of what they wanted. I'm like that myself, but at least I realise it. I get the impression Aspies are more self-aware in general. Oh, wait, did you want an answer to this?
League_Girl wrote:
Why people must comment on things like new hair cut or new furniture in the room. I assume it's for small talk but if you say nothing about it, they assume you didn't take notice.
Their assumption is probably right most of the time, at least for guys. They often don't notice a new hair cut. The NT assumes it's because the new hair cut is unimportant to them (which is usually correct, too) and they don't like that. If it's important to them they feel it should be important to others, too.
League_Girl wrote:
I don't get why people get offended if you don't remember them or recognize them.
Similar - it implies (rightly or wrongly) that they're not important enough to be remembered and people don't like being unimportant.
League_Girl wrote:
Why people let their emotions get in the way most of the time.
Yeah, that's a tough one. I suspect they can't help it, but I'm still trying to figure this one out.
League_Girl wrote:
Why is asking a question arguing and why is disagreeing so bad?
Oh yeah, I run into this one all the time. I often take great care not to disagree, only to question, but people assume I'm disagreeing anyway. I think it's because very few people ask questions like I do, so the other person starts "reading between the lines" (incorrectly).
26 Apr 2012, 5:48 pm
26 Apr 2012, 5:56 pm
26 Apr 2012, 6:25 pm
ScottyN wrote:
Saying something like "We should go do such and such tommorrow", and then never showing up to do the activity.
Oops.
Though I usually only say it if the other person said it first.
26 Apr 2012, 6:30 pm
StarTrekker wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
I have trouble with this too. It was especially problematic for me last year when my friend was having typical teenage trouble with her boyfriend. She'd repeatedly bring all these "he did this" and "I don't know what to do about that" to me, and I'd give her what advice I could (having no experience in the dating realm) then not understand why she never took it, only to come back two days later with the exact same problem. It took another friend of mine (much older and wiser than me) to tell me it wasn't my advice she wanted when she brought her problems to me, it was my emotional support and sympathy. I didn't understand why; if she had ways to fix the problem, why not take them? I understand the principle behind the action now, but the action still makes no sense to me.
Oh oh! Sorry to interrupt but I'm learning about this at the moment!
... People who are seeking emotional support are in denial, this is called an emotion-focused approach ... Many people refuse to take the opposite, problem-focused, approach because facing a stressor is too stressful to them ... But it still makes no sense to take an emotion focused approach, I suppose, seeing as it only has short-term effects on the percieved problem.
26 Apr 2012, 6:43 pm
26 Apr 2012, 7:09 pm
Shambles wrote:
StarTrekker wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
I have trouble with this too. It was especially problematic for me last year when my friend was having typical teenage trouble with her boyfriend. She'd repeatedly bring all these "he did this" and "I don't know what to do about that" to me, and I'd give her what advice I could (having no experience in the dating realm) then not understand why she never took it, only to come back two days later with the exact same problem. It took another friend of mine (much older and wiser than me) to tell me it wasn't my advice she wanted when she brought her problems to me, it was my emotional support and sympathy. I didn't understand why; if she had ways to fix the problem, why not take them? I understand the principle behind the action now, but the action still makes no sense to me.
Oh oh! Sorry to interrupt but I'm learning about this at the moment!
... People who are seeking emotional support are in denial, this is called an emotion-focused approach ... Many people refuse to take the opposite, problem-focused, approach because facing a stressor is too stressful to them ... But it still makes no sense to take an emotion focused approach, I suppose, seeing as it only has short-term effects on the percieved problem.It's not always like this. Sometimes the real problem is not the actual situation, but the feelings, the negative emotions stirred up by it. When people are looking for emotional support, they want to soothe their feelings and work through them. A problem focused approach just ignores the feelings of the person. It really depends on what the person actually needs or wants (they should be more clear about it though; I usually make it clear when I approach a friend if I need them to comfort me or help me find a solution).
An example: when my father walked in on me smoking weed and threatened to kick me out of the house, I was in a state of shock, a horrible emotional state. I called a close friend and she talked to me on the phone for 4 hours, because I was so afraid my father could get violent towards me and I couldn't handle being with my emotions alone, I was overwhelmed. I practically needed her to comfort me. Knowing that I was not alone in it felt much more safer. I cried and cried for hours because of this and she reassured me all the time and told me it was gonna be ok. She didn't solve my problem (because there was no solution at the time), but she did save my sanity. Were it not for her, I'd have faced a terrible nervous breakdown, the way things were going. Due to the fact that I was able to work out my feelings and get comfort for them, I was able to keep a clear mind and to think about a solution to the problem (which I did and things ended up ok in the end). This is the way it goes...
_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.
