"Acting NT" vs "Being Yourself"

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Thanks SilkySifaka (cool username and avatar, by the way!), I love reading when people write that they can relate!! It was a relief to read your post because this "constructed personality" issue is a big aspect of my experiences as an aspie but one that doesn't seem to be discussed very often.

Yes it is draining. One thing I learned when I found out about AS and got diagnosed is that other people (NTs) don't find social interactions as draining. After I got diagnosed I was less hard on myself because I realised that it wasn't because I was just weak.

Somewhat paradoxically - don't know if other aspies can relate - my very AS friend (who is the verbal, monologuing type in the right situations) can come across as too intense to other people, but when we were young we could talk for hours on the phone, immersed in a very highly focused "aspie zone" together. We were once on the phone for seven hours. It was always about some esoteric subject or special interest, never about NT stuff like gossiping about other people (bleugh!). For some reason I didn't find these long conversations draining, but exhilarating and satisfying (I'd be tired at the end, but happily tired)... while an NT probably would have found them draining.

OMG,

The more I read, the more it sounds like me. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LIKE ME? Hella Cool

No, i haven't watched, but i know Lars Von Trier has some very good movies. Ok, I plan to watch them these days

Took ME a minute to figure that out too

I always feel DIYD,DIYD in my normie interactions. Right in my own household there's pressure to tell them what they want to hear only to be accused of lying. For me the thing that breaks my heart is obviously the missed opportunities and couldabeens, but more that I've compromised my integrity a few times in order to survive. Some of the lines I had to toe, when I saw I was the only one playing by the rules, left me as a visible target and I felt stupid, worn out and resentful at wasted feelings.

The best picture I can paint is; the kid that hears all his childhood that smoking pot will kill him. He leaves home and finds himself in a smoke filled room where everyone is lighting up and not falling over dead. What's more, they've all spent half their youth doing such with no ill effect, naturally he wonders what else he's been lied to about

"The best picture I can paint is; the kid that hears all his childhood that smoking pot will kill him. He leaves home and finds himself in a smoke filled room where everyone is lighting up and not falling over dead. What's more, they've all spent half their youth doing such with no ill effect, naturally he wonders what else he's been lied to about"

Pot is the Aspie's friend. for sure.

taking off the edge is critical for me and I highly recommend it for suicidal tendancies. Never heard of anyone smoking a doobie and commiting suicide.

Bong and a blintz?

This comparison makes me remember/realize something. As a kid/teen/young adult...I functioned halfway okay until I came across exceptions to rules. Exceptions to rules have messed me up a great deal. For example, My first bank account was kept meticulously. I knew that I wasn't supposed to ever let it get withdrawn, so I was super careful about record keeping. Well, another person showed me that you can indeed get away with a certain amount of disorder with a checking account, and from that day forward I have wrecked every bank account I have ever tried to keep. Now, I do not have one because I know that I can't keep it up, and will simply end up arrested for bad checks due to chaotic recording keeping/misuse.

This has happened with many things...including housekeeping. Exceptions to rules mess me up horribly. They are the "maybe's" in my "yes or no" world. I can't process "Maybe's"...I need "yes or no"...black or white...no gray!

I wish I could get my hands on some. I know that it would help me a great deal.

I hear ya. They mess me up but I love em... Its true when we try to keep things meticulous and then something happens to disrupt things, chaos ensues. lol There's no going back.

Thats when I light up. Not trying to rub it in. I read your other post about wishing you could get some. I am out right now and have been for a couple of weeks. But thats OK cause I need a break every once in a while. I you get some, it will help. Just remember to keep it real. Don't overdo.

I hope these forums prove to be as cathartic for you as they have for me these last couple of days.

Chaos messes you up, but you love them? Am I understanding?

These forums are very cathartic for me.

Its a love/hate feeling.
Chaos requires a new calculation of the math. A new beginning. And I believe that the universe sends us signals from time to time that a new beginning is needed.

And I love a challenge.

I have gypsy in me and so I've moved around alot. Something like 12 different states. I've had several different "carreers". I believe I am more capable than most and can do anything I put my mind to.

So the challenge of chaos is accepted lovingly. (most of the time)

PS. I need to learn how to navigate this web site.

Oh I see.

It's easier for me to be myself than it is for me to act NT. Being myself doesn't mean that I hum or stim. Being myself means that I dress to suit myself and not to suit other people. Being myself means that I mix my special interests in with a lot of small talk. Being myself means that I be the Kinks Fan that I am while fitting into society, my way. I don't need to dress or wear my hair like everybody else my age group to be a part of society. I don't need to be into popular culture to fit into society. I can show an interest in those things while sharing my interests. I've also learned the 10% rule. I can mention things about my interests 10% of the time and talk to everybody else about their interests 90% of the time. That's how I can actually fit in while being myself at the same time.

Well I fail at acting NT...most people even if they don't think I am on the autism spectrum still find something to be off about me. But a lot of times I end up feeling like I have to act like I'm feeling better than I am. I ended up doing that a lot as a kid even though I was severely depressed most of the time but of course I didn't want my parents worrying about me, or my younger siblings worrying and there was kind of a lot of chaos with my parents arguing a lot and we moved a lot so I always kind of felt like I had to keep it together or everything would fall apart.

Well it all more or less fell apart anyways and I ended up with PTSD around 16 or 17(cant remember the exact year/age right now) so that makes it even more draining to try and put on the 'I'm ok' act when I am actually feeling like finding somewhere to hide or feeling like I'm on the verge of losing it. Then people in my family want to know why I'm so reclusive and avoident and don't spend as much time with them as they think I should.........and how do you explain 'I feel dead inside so sometimes I can't deal with being around everyone....and also if I over-stress myself by interacting with too many people too long I might flip out and break something or hurt myself or worse maybe someone else.' Yeah so I would say my version of pretending is very unhealthy and has caused me to internalize things and bottle my emotions up but this isn't even pretending to be NT this is just pretending I'm generally ok so I don't have to try and explain to everyone what the issue is.

I think for the most part in my life I have not acted NT and I think most people have found me to be funny. I think most people have liked me. BUT once I got into the corporate world in a professional job I realized quickly that people are completely intolerant unless you act NT. So I have tried hard to do it but it often makes me very exhausted and miserable.

I think most people are acting anyway, trying to fit in. But the difference for NT's is that they don't find it exhausting because they are stimulated to be around people.

You are right to think that for career purposes you must make an effort, and everyone does. But you must remember that you only need to go so far before it can become exhausting so you must save some time for yourself. I try not to get too wrapped up in the NT chit chat and gossip and games.

I don't act NT, and I am myself.

I don't feel a need to be accepted in a group or advanced in a career. I just want to interact with people in a genuine manner and pursue my work'n'play interests that are important to me.