Saying no.

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Ahh, yes, you are right, sorry.

I wasn't even sure at first what he meant by that question so I re read the OP and saw what he meant.

I get it too .. 2-3 hrs is pretty fast as preparation time goes ... I take a minimum of a day ... it's easy to get out of things. You just say you're really busy with important stuff and they should've asked you the day before. I used to lie and make up excuses but I hate doing that. It's actually true, I am doing something I consider extremely important - nothing. That's really important to me, doing nothing. And if they ask what I'm doing I just say I can't talk about it, which is also true.

Okay, so just to clarify, wanting to know things in advance, having structure and not wanting anyone to mess up my plans are typical AS things? "Not knowing what people think and often assuming the worst" and asking other people if they actually are angry or disappointed or something is just something I do because I'm insecure?

I'm pretty sure those are common to all introverts and that would include a very large swath of the AS population, I imagine.

Yes it is typical AS things.

I think that the having to ask people what they think because you don't know and you are assuming the worst is an AS thing, at least for me it is.

I can't tell what people think because of the social aspect of my ASD. I'm "in the dark" meaning that I can't understand their cues to what they think, or read a situation.
Therefore, I have learned to ask, and always be prepared for the worst, because I'm prone to making social mistakes. Asking is a way for me to find out where I stand, how they feel, and if I need to remedy the situation.

So, it might be insecurity because I'm expecting the worst, or that might be just a learned expectation. But, it all comes from ASD, in my opinion.

rebbieh, I believe the insecurity is a learned trait from your history. I don't know your personal history. I know that my girlfriend who has AS is VERY VERY VERY nervous telling me no or cancelling a plan, because she's not good at understanding people's reaction and she's learned to be affraid of these situations. I think the learned trait is quite common for people with AS.

That being said, people in general don't like always like sudden things and, many considerate people (like you) would be nervous telling their boyfriend or girlfriend no.

This is a very tricky one for me, especially since I moved to the country. I live alone, and am a very social aspie, so it's important to nurture new friendships if I am to make a success of this new life. But I simply cannot adapt to them lobbing up on my doorstep without phoning first. When they do this, I always say "No" to whatever they propose, because I already have a full list in my head of what I'm doing right now and next - often for the rest of the day.

I have tried and tried to get them to prearrange activities but it just isn't their way. How about the one that comes around the BACK door, no matter how many times I've asked her to ring first and come around the front!! I discovered the other day she does it on purpose, because she knows I will soon thaw and offer her a cuppa, whereas if she phoned I would just say "I'm working" or whatever and that would be the end of it. In the end, I remind myself that I'm lucky people even WANT to be my friend, and those times I make the effort (and it is an effort) to initiate a fallback arrangement if I can't cooperate on the spur of the moment.

But at base, even though I'm basically on the friendly and outgoing side, I'm very, very bad at doing things without warning. It's almost impossible to smile without preparation, and spontaneity messes up my internal list no end.