My nt-as marriage

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ok sorry.. the vacation is about me being emotionally strong and going on it exactly as it is - a holiday with my son.. it is not a deadline.. there is no date for a deadline...

as for the money... she is only buying cheap furniture, nothing outlandish and everything is being done on a budget...with her telling me about every purchase.
our money is in a joint account... I am happy for her to set up where she is going to live... what am is supposed to do- make her sleep on the floor.
the house she is moving to is our investment property, I am staying in the bigger and more valuable family home.. - both of which are in joint names, she has been to the bank and looked at how we can get thru stuff in the short term... the credit card is in her name as the primary cardholder so if she cuts that off then I know something is up

Yes it hurts as she buys all this stuff but its a catch 22? Move our joint money = control = immediate filing for divorce
see the new house as a sign she will never come back= for sure
my view= change for me


The reality is that if I put a halt to her spending then its all over red rover... i was very controlling over money so it is a bit of freedom for her... if she ends up in the poor house then so do i, but i have family who can bail me out..The end of the day if things go pear shaped then everything valuable is in joint names...I have a strong family to support me financially, she has no one..
I just can't really deal with hypotheticals at the moment....at the moment we are seperated .. my wife needs space in her words to make a decision... and that is what she has told our counsellor. I may be a little hopeful, but I don't think I am a chump.. we are making joint financial decisions... no decision made on divorce,, just a seperation, I am changing for me, and sharing when she asks.... no promises from her... if in x months time she says its not going to work, then divorce is the option and i will have my family to support me as I probably will need them... and that is a good thing for me.... my wife was paranoid that I was going to bring in the lawyers immediately- apparently thats what many aspies do- just cut and run
maybe she is playing me a little with the purchase of the house a year ago as an exit strategy but really there is nothing more to play.. so i have to go on what i think and what other people think ( male and female) that she is not trying to screw me.. but in the words of my family, if they get an inkling that this perception has changed, then they will support me 1000% and ditch her immediately

End of the day just taking one day at a time and I am on the emotional rollercoaster... Where will I end up? who knows? And for an aspie that is so hard? At least i know what I have to change about myself for me.... then go from there....

Last edited by ozman on 19 Jun 2012, 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

please don't think I am not naive enough to think that my wife will have to change a little also.. That has been explained to us in counselling. Truth be told she has her own mental health issues- many of her friendships have imploded while mine grow stronger. I know that a lot of aspie behaviour is appealing and I would never change that about me.... for me the two big things are lack of empathy and emotional maturity.. traits that I need to change.. I should add that when I told my engineering brother about my situation his first response was there is nothing wrong with you, as does not exist.. 5 minutes later he was watching the tv... man if that is not as behavior then what is.. no how are you feeling ? etc at least he sent me a text later saying that he was supportive.. as for the rest of my family they support what I am doing adn interestingly my wife has attempted to repair the bridges between her and my family

I am not in denial anymore about my as.. I need to change for me and these changes appeal to my wife then we have a future..( her words, the changes you make need to appeal to me) . if she doesn't like them so be it...

And in my mind I have already made some improvements...

doesn't mean that life is hard at the moment and will continue to be for quite awhile... there are hopefully other stories out there of nt-as realtionships that have been saved.

I just got a lovely email from a friend who knows what I am going through. She is incredibly proud of me for making changes to myself and doing everything I can to improve 'me' and possibly save the marriage down the track. She knows my wife very well and I value her opinion. In fact she says I am braver than the wife because I have no guarantees! But she applauds what I am doing, and yes the easy option would just not bother about improving myself and simply move on!

Abandonment.........yes I have first-hand experience of how corrosive that is to one's tender feelings.

What happened? Did you just not make the connection that she probably needed you? Did a special interest distract you? Did she try to tell you she needed you with her? Many of the problems I've had from people I'm very close to have been partly caused by the other person not speaking up. Though of course if somebody's ill and depressed, their communication skills might not be working very well. Even so, I wouldn't think a simple "don't leave me" would be out of anybody's range. How did you feel about the tragedy? Numb, weird, or devastated as per an NT? Were you able to share your grief with each other?

It's good that you have a good friend who is sympathetic. If discussing it with your partner doesn't go well (too much bitterness on one side, spills over into abuse, other person ends up feeding the anger, or simply you can't think of anything to say that will do ny good), maybe she would consider sitting with you both to try to guide the process and pour oil on troubled waters?

I agree that the fact she hasn't simply ended your relationship indicates she still loves you. I just hope she doesn't get too depressed. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but make them a cup of tea and let them talk. It's very difficult. Showing remorse is probably vital, but if the "punishments" (she's abandoned you now, and may well tak to you in quite a horrible way) are too severe for you, it would be tempting to take back that remorse and start feelding her anger. If you get to that point where you want to attack her for being so hurtful to you (I don't say punishment is her only motivation for her behaviour), I'd try to stay calm and just warn about what the harshness was doing, or give her some space.

I basically let my aspie ways take precedence over her emotional needs. And that is my regret. The things I had to do were simple and I wasn't up to the task. I let my special interest distract me. I have deep remorse for this and wish to change this behaviour for my own personal development, not for her.


She hasn't ended the marriage that's true, but there is no relationship at the moment but she can't exclude that one might take place after she has had time to herself
I spoke to my wife and she is feeling a little down. Probably because she has had no retail therapy. First day in ages she hasn't spent anything on the investment property where she will be getting the space she needs.
I so wanting just to go home and sit in bed and talk to her but I know I can never do that. Any attempt at reconcile must come from her.
But wait, she decided to buy our son a second dog, without telling me. My son really has come out of his shell with the first dog so I don't begrudge him that. It is more that she didn't consult with me, even though we r separated. I understand for her it was an emotional purchase but still 2 dogs?
I viewed it as another test, the old aspie in me would have just thought logical and put up all these reasons y we couldn't have a second dog. I tell you u r so right that sometimes it is easy to want to replace the remorse with anger, but I held my nerve.

But it is getting hard sometimes! I now from peoples posts that the seperation could be for a while and I have no guarantees. But I do feel that t is getting hard . I so understand y some people could just walk away. It is he easy option, at least you have closure. For me yes I am getting on with my life but I am in a holding pattern with my relationship .
I also am finding it hard to manage only seeing my son a few days a week

congrats on the new addition. Really, two is the ideal number of dogs -- when all the humans are out of the house, they will have each other. The downside is double trouble when they decide to get into mischief -- the intelligence of domestic carnivores is geometrically proportional to the number of carnivores involved

What ages and breeds are the pups?

When you buy welcome home presents for the new one, make certain to get some for the original one and lavish attention on him/her as well.

I'm wondering whether your own pain because of the tragedy might have thrown you into special interest mode?.......research suggests that Aspie emotional response can be much more intense than for NTs, so that paradoxically we often have to turn away or the feelings would burn us out. I've never been bereaved at such close quarters, but I've lost loved ones pretty suddenly and permanently, and at such times I've found myself suddenly getting completely immersed in geeky projects....often getting the task done almost effortlessly. So maybe you did the same kind of thing here? Not that it would be a hopeful sign.......if one can't handle tragedy because of hypersensitivity, then one would seem doomed to be something of a fair-weather friend.

I used to ignore partners with my special interests, and no doubt that helped me to lose those people. I've been able to see the danger recently and have managed to keep the interests under better control than I used to. Perhaps it would help if you kind of practised pulling away from your special interests, to strengthen the "muscle" of control? I think one thing that helps me is that I've become somewhat scared of the effects of getting sucked into SI's.


My heart goes out to you.......that's a very hard place to be. Is she willing to commit to not being unfaithful for an agreed duration, or is she reserving the right to go dating at the drop of a hat? The former would clearly at least give you some peace of mind for the time being. If I were in your shoes I'd feel very insecure and I doubt I'd be at my best.


Been there.


Is that her edict or do you just feel unable to approach where you might not be wanted? It's not one of these "push him away to see if he's got the strength/commitment to ask to come back (at some stage)" is it?

I never heard of anybody replacing remorse with anger. With me, if it were that serious a mistake, I'd probably feel quite the reverse, I'd pull punches because I felt guilty. Though if I'm being punished heavily, and have been trying to do the forbearance thing, I could flip the other way if my punisher was too harsh for too long.

As for the dog, I take your point about not falling into the trap of rejecting the idea out of hand, and of course you're dealing with one angry and depressed lady, but me, shameless to the last, I'd still want to point out to her that she might at least have run the idea past you..........morally I would be right I think, but I guess I expect too much of people.


I never feel I have closure when a partner and I don't agree on the reasons for the split. Second best is if one or two reasonably honest people tell me my interpretation looks sound. But partners don't normally agree with my split explanations at all, and I can't find anybody at all who has the kind of interest and rigour to give me a particularly reliable opinion. So mostly I'll never know if or how I could have saved my dead relationships.


Usually I just keep ex partners out of my life, but of course with kids in the picture it's not fair on them to do that. So if she does get another partner, you'll have to watch that unfold. Personally that hurt me a lot when I was in that position, as I come from a working class culture where you're not expected to like people who are having sex with somebody you still love. It's much easier if you find somebody else yourself though.

While there is still hope I guess I keep hanging in there. Of course if I got the whiff of someone else then it's all over red rover

Have you thought about bringing her here, so that you can both get some input from other Aspies? We have plenty of allies here (you know--people who aren't autistic but who have friends/spouses/kids who are). If you're going to solve this problem, you've got to work together. Give her a call, tell her your user name, explain you want her to get in on this too--maybe you can both benefit.

Regarding your being "controlling"--you're aware that this can be a cognitive problem, yes? People with autism tend to want things to be predictable, and to be very frustrated and upset when they aren't. I explain my reaction to unexpected events as feeling a lot like being thrown into a swimming pool in January--and I can't swim. It's so sudden, so shocking, that I just shut down. If I can't predict something, my mind can blue-screen and lock up. I want to have a picture of the future in my mind.

Now, I'm not saying that your "being controlling" is something that shouldn't be changed. Just like you have a need for predictability, she has a need for independence, and both of those needs have to be fulfilled for you to work together.

When you can't control something, it helps to be notified. If you can't be notified, it helps at least to know that this particular thing is outside of your control--to know that there are many possible ways it could go, and that you can prepare for many different things. Your wife can probably help you by telling you when things are going to change, as much ahead of time as she can. You should also know which things are going to be under her control (and thus out of your control)--so that they are "predictably unpredictable". She needs to be able to control her own life; after all, you're both adults, and however scary it is for you when things are not predictable, that's a fear you have to face in order to give her the freedom she needs.

Great post, and sound advice. I'm separated from my NT wife and have been taking this same approach. She agrees I'm no longer the jerk I was in the past. We get along well these days.

I think she is not at the stage of wanting to seek out the advice of other aspies , partners of aspies etc. at the moment she is just managing from day to day. To be honest I don't think she knows what she wants, all she knows is that i am making improvements to who I am, up to her to like that.
To summarise where we r:
Seperated with no relationship at present other than caring for our son. My wife needs time to herself in a new home to decide our future from her end, with no promises. Me looking at improving and clearly telling her , but not nagging that I would like us to " try and anew together". We are seeing a counsellor trained in aspergers separately and together.

For me.
Option a is what I am trying, giving her space, working on myself and basically getting on with my life but hopeful of course that we can save our marriage. How long can I do this ? .. No idea.

Option b is just simply pull the plug and start divorce proceedings. She doesn't want this at the moment and neither do I. But it is on my mind of course.

The bottom line is that my wife really doesn't know what she wants, and me wanting option a means that I am in a holding pattern of sorts. And all my advice I receive says that if u want option a then u r doing all you can. Doesn't mean I wont be mega disappointed/annoyed if she calls a halt in x months without another chance. Then it really is plan b time. Trying to focus on positives though.

How long have you been Seperated? Does getting along mean that you are getting back together? Or is divorce still the likely outcome? Or do you still not know?

You are fortunate that you "are seeing a counsellor trained in aspergers separately and together." That seems to indicate there is a chance of salvaging the marriage. All you can do, as previously suggested in this thread, is work on your end to improve yourself. The chips will eventually "fall where they may."

wise words I believe...
Because I suffer from aspergers I tend to want to over analyse things in my head constantly....and I want to imagine every scenario... and i take words the worng way... need i go on...

Also because I have been very rigid with money for a long time.... it really is very hard to watch it just slip away..but if I don't loosen up over this then I will make myself sick with worry.

i just have to learn somehow to '' go with the flow, work on myself and see what happens.." it is just so so so hard beacuse I love my wife and son so much and I just want things to work out asap..

Last edited by ozman on 19 Jun 2012, 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

We've been separated 2 1/2 years. "Getting along" does not mean we are getting back together, at least not for the foreseeable future. Divorce may still be the outcome. If so it will not be the end of the world. I know at least one person who got back together with his wife after years of separation, so never say never.

Man, I take my hat off for you for being seperated for 2.5 years . I guess neither of you has had other relationships in that time? do you have children? A lady I know went back to her husband after 2.5 years apart so there is always hope..
For me, I don't know if I could last that long...I certainly am prepared to be in for the long haul if our relationship has to start slowly... my wife has sort of told me that she will know within 6 months whether we can start a relationship anew...

How did you cope with the stress of the initial seperation? i am really struggling with this? I can't focus on much and can't handle the emotional rollercoaster

Last edited by ozman on 19 Jun 2012, 6:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.