What to do when you find out your Husband has Autism

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You stand by your man and accept him.

It sounds like a complicated situation, but maybe you could individually go to counselling for a little while, and then after you have worked separately to understand your situations, you could try counseling together to learn how to communicate your needs to each other in a positive way.

It is not his fault and it is not your fault. Everyone has challenges in life. You are definitely not alone, I hope you find support here at WP.

Aspies can't love? Are you nuts? Of course we can! Most likely, an Aspie in a marriage loves his spouse as deeply as any other spouse does--probably more, because an introverted person in a close relationship will be much more intimately attached than an extroverted, social person can ever be.

People married to those with ASDs need to understand that it's not the love that's deficient; it's the knowledge of when and what you are supposed to do to communicate it. Saying that somebody doesn't love you because he's got Asperger's and can't communicate it is like saying that somebody who's blind can't appreciate Shakespeare because he can't see to read it. Just like the blind person can use Braille or an audiobook, the Aspie can find ways to communicate--and their NT partner can find ways to communicate with them.

Breaking up with somebody because "they can't show love because they are AS" is probably an indication that the NT partner went into the relationship loving not their spouse, but their ideal mental image of that spouse as they would be if they could be molded like so much putty into the perfect spouse. If you don't love them as they are, then you don't love them, and you can't blame your lack of love on AS.

Can I firstly acknowledge YES my husband can be loving and caring, it was why I fell in love in the first place, have seen evidence of this in my marriage YES was it directed to me NO. I knowingly allowed him to have a mistress and I allowed it because I honestly thought it would help kick start his libido, let me assure you it was heart shattering to see how much he can love and care. He would on his knees beg me to be able to go to her while tears streamed down my face asking him to please be with me, did this improve anything NO but it did clearly show me he chooses to reject me and it clearly is a choice he makes. Greg will do anything for me as long as he doesn't have to touch me.
For the person that asked if I have had any help, yes I have. Mostly because I knew I was the problem I spent several years in counseling alone and together, we have done marriage counseling, marriage enrichment courses, I have in my understanding given absolutely everything to this man because I love him with all that I am even when I thought I had nothing left to give I have still dug deeper and looked for ways to save my marriage. I don't think his diagnosis will end our marriage, that's not fair on him, for me the diagnosis just means for me that the likelihood of coming through this together is slim. From what I understand people with Autism can love but they can also hate and mostly that's what I feel from him. His negative focus is aimed right at me But he does not want me to leave. I tried speaking with him again yesterday , it's like banging your head on a wall and it's soul destroying. What I am asking of anyone reading this is not to see my story in it, I have shared what I have to give depth and understanding to the reader, what I am seeking is any kind of feedback to him, anything to help me understand his point of view. I thank you in advance for lending your hearts and thoughts to mine.

This is something my NT wife has had to teach me. In relationships it isn't always advice you want, but someone to share your burden with, and you want them to listen and agree that it is a burden. I never knew this. I would always give 5-10 tips on how to improve the situation, when all she really wanted was someone who would listen.

Telling an AS spouse exactly what you want, is absolutely key. In time, they will learn, but from personal experience, it's hard to improve when you don't know what's wrong.

That's just it, I am aware it's a burden, I don't need agreement in that, I need insight and hope suggestions and perspective from others in a situation like mine. I need hope that I haven't exhausted every last avenue, hope that maybe there is something I haven't thought of done to help my heart hang on. I have spent 20 years being very concise and clear with him my needs are clearly and simply conveyed, I know he chooses to ignore me, I know he makes these choices consciously. What I don't know is if there is a different direction I can come at this, what I don't know is if there is a perspective or suggestion that can swing me around to save our marriage from a different thought process. He told me yesterday this is my problem, I discovered so I have to fix it. I told him that wasn't fair and if he wanted us, if he wanted me to stay and keep his world safe he needed to own this and do something active himself, I do and have done fixed everything, it's what I do but I am trying to be fair and find something to help me hang on and try and reach him. I am an excellent communicator, communicating what I want and need isn't a problem getting him to listen is the impossible part..

If he knows how to communicate and doesn't do it, then this has nothing to do with Asperger's. You can't say "He chooses to do this" and simultaneously say "because he has Asperger's". Asperger's doesn't cause a man to love someone less; it doesn't prevent him from caring. If he really doesn't want to say that he loves you--if he knows how to communicate it, knows you want to hear it, and can do it easily, and is not doing it--then AS is irrelevant, because it's a conscious choice, not a socially clumsy error.

Asperger's in one or both people in a relationship is only the main problem if it blocks communication. If it is not blocking communication--if, as you say, he knows what he needs to do to tell you he loves you, and chooses not to do it--then Asperger's is not the problem. You may simply have grown apart over time, as many couples do. (And you may be able to grow back together, as many couples also do. This is not a death sentence.)

Or you might be wrong about his ability to communicate with you--he could be much worse at it than it seems. It's common for someone with AS to manage something once, and then have it held against them because it's assumed they'll always be able to manage it. At other times, you might know how to do something, but not know when it would be useful to do it, or not be able to initiate it on your own. Communication is complex.

That doesn't mean I think you're inevitably going to break up. You say 20 years--that's a good long time. You've grown comfortable with each other. Maybe it's not as exciting as it was when you were dating. Maybe you should get to know each other again, try to spark the romance. Or maybe you should live as friends-with-benefits who happen to be married, and realize you don't need the traditional sappy relationship.

I've said it a thousand times: The inability to care about others is NOT a trait of Asperger's. If someone diagnosed with AS is unable to care about others, then either he's a sociopath or he's a sociopath with AS. Being cold, uncaring, or outright abusive is not related to Asperger's. Communication problems, yes; actual lack of affection, no. People with AS are also people who are human, and human beings are fallible. When someone with AS does something cruel or cold, it's because he's human and fallible--not because he has AS.

But let's say that your husband hasn't been deliberately hurting you. It's possible for a relationship to cool over the years whether or not AS is involved--and in most such cases, you can't even rightly say that either person is at fault.

Yeah, humans are flawed. He is, and so are you. But we've also got a lot of potential to connect with each other, even when the person we connect with is very different. Look at the civil rights movement, the gay rights movement, the many times people have stood up for each other even when they didn't have any investment in it except knowing that the other person was a fellow human being. There's that knowledge of what's good and how things ought to be in all of us--in him, and in you; and because of that, you can't ever give up hope that things will work out in a way that leaves you both as allies.

If I got too worked up about that, excuse me: It's just that I hate the insinuation that because I have a diagnosis I don't make my own moral choices. When I do something wrong, it's because I made a choice, not because my autism took over my brain and forced me to do it. That sort of thing makes me feel like I'm being accused of being less than human, and I really, really don't like it.

From my perspective, allowing him to have a mistress was over the top. But that's history now. If you want physical affection in your marriage & he doesn't want to touch you--& I can understand that from his perspective--it's unlikely to change. I've had this revulsion to my partner develop & even tho' I knew it was unfair to her, the more I tried to overcome it, the worse it became.

If you can become comfortable not receiving physical affection (maybe YOU need a paramour), and focus on other qualities he has, then maybe something can be worked out. But if this is a deal breaker for you, I can't hold out much hope from my experience.




I disagree that YOU are the problem. I think there are many problems in this relationship, the primary one being that you have shouldered ALL the blame & let him completely off the hook. I think there are some serious psychological addiction patterns here. AKA Co-dependency, enabling, martyrdom complex. I'm glad you have tried all these various therapies, but if no one called you on taking ALL the blame, none of them were very good. Sorry you wasted your money.




Of course he doesn't want you to leave... no one wants to lose their slave. If he didn't have you, he'd have to deal w/all the things you do for him... cooking? cleaning? taking care of all the many daily details that he doesn't. He'd have to get out of his comfortable routine, he'd have to accept a little responsibility for his life & his behavior. It scares the ever loving crap out of him. But that's not the same as love, that's control. And if he's put all the blame on you, that's abuse. And if you've gone along with it & accepted it, that's enabling the abuse.

Yes, Aspies can hate powerfully, & it's often the one who we are utterly dependent on that we come to hate. Don't even begin to mistake that dependency for love.



I'd suggest a trial separation. And therapy that addresses the emotional abuse in this relationship. How your 'sacrifices' have tried to manipulate & control him. How his blame has undermined your integrity & self-esteem.

Just a note--It is indeed possible for Aspies to be unable to live on their own. If he is unable to care for himself and you separate, you should check that he has a way to survive afterward. I don't mean keep caring for him; that would defeat the purpose of a separation. Still, having a talk with his doctor about what you do for him and what he may or may not be able to do for himself might be prudent--ideally he'd be the one to have that talk, but I don't know how good his insight about his coping skills is.

When I left home I was unable to care for myself, and I paid for it with years of bad diet, poor hygiene, and general near-homelessness; it's important that if you separate he has at least the phone number of a counselor, social worker, or occupational therapist he can get help from if it turns out that he cannot care for himself effectively, and the ability to pick up the phone and ask for help if he needs it. I don't think you should do any more than that for him, if you're really looking into separation, but leaving a way for him to get help for himself is probably important.

My apologies for your reaction, considering this is a forum, I cannot express all and convey all, I am trying to explain the best I can, with all the information I can think of and yes my thoughts and feelings are thrown in there as well. I do not believe I have indicated people with Autism/Aspergers have no feelings or are incapable of having them but between MY son and MY husband that's what I live. There are other things that happen that are just as frustrating that put him squarely in the spectrum, those things don't have as big an impact on us as the issues I am speaking of. Can anyone tell me whether it is normal for an Autistic male to have basically zero interest in sex. This is beginning to frustrate me a little because as per usual the nuances of our issues are different and so far I still feel mostly unheard. Sorry to have bothered you all. I will remove the post and myself from this when I get home.

I had a similar issue with my hubby. he'd want to talk about a problem. Well, when I want to talk about something, I'm troubleshooting it, so I'd offer suggestions, and he'd blow up at me. That was NOT what he wanted. He just wanted to talk, and why wouldn't I just let him talk?

I finally, only recently, realized that talking about it was his equivalent to my spinning or rocking. It is what he needs to normalize excess emotion and feel better. It finally makes sense to me.

Donkey Buster, may I ask why you said " if he doesn't want to touch you & that I can understand" I am completely confused by that statement, to the others who have commented here, I do not and have not manipulated my husband, I do not control him. Good grief now it's abuse and enabling abuse!! I am definitely not understanding this at all

Because I have developed the same feelings w/a partner of mine in the past. That's how I can understand.



By repeatedly expressing how much you have sacrificed & struggled & born w/your husband, how you have taken all the blame... sounds like a classic martyrdom position to me & that's a form of psychological manipulation. I cannot believe that you have only expressed it here, but to him as well. Such a behavior is psychologically coercive.

There's a lot of power in being a 'victim'.
http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

Run around in circles.

Martyr complex...
http://www.yourlifecheckup.com/article.php?artid=65

Maybe you can read this information & recognize some of the ways this plays out in your relationship w/your husband. I expect you probably both take it on, switching from abuser to victim & drawing other people into the role of rescuer. All those marriage encounters & therapies that effected no change in the situation seem to indicate that.

I'm sorry you're stuck in such an unhealthy relationship, I'm sorry for your husband. It's always sad to see two people in such a corrosive relationship. But it obviously serves a need for both of you.

You know what call it what you like, I was being indicative that I haven't say on my hands and done nothing. Indicative that I have tried anything and everything, I at no point did I refer to my actions as a sacrifice, you did. I honestly came here hoping to be understood and helped not be judged, humiliated and left even more isolated. Thanks for helping with that I appreciate it. You haven't lived the life we have you have no idea but thanks for the judgement call. What I'm hearing according to you is I have somehow manipulated and encouraged this behavior, in essence even you think it's my fault!