My Crumbling AS/NT Marriage

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Oh I know everything is said from an objective place and don't think anyone is being mean. Just incredibly honest. It is what I need to hear even though I don't really want to. My best friend told me a lot of the same things yesterday and another last night. I just think sometimes you don't realize how bad it is when you're right in the middle of it.

I woke up this morning and for the first ten seconds thought I'd had a bad dream and that everything was fine. I did the same thing yesterday morning. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks that everything is so not fine and about to change drastically.

It is sobering.

This is probably gonna be yet more bluntness. But: A history of abuse does not excuse abusive behavior. I was abused as a kid; I do not abuse people as an adult. If I find I am getting angry or resentful, I avoid contact with anybody I might take it out on until I've cooled down. If I were to mistreat someone, it would be a willful choice, not a helpless repetition of what was done to me.

Yes, it's easier for your husband to be abusive than it would be if he had had a stable family. But "easier" does not mean "inevitable". He chooses to do what he does, just like my stepdad--with his own abusive childhood--chose to hurt me. We all have our personality flaws and weaknesses; what matters is whether we give in to them, whether we try to improve or whether we simply pretend it isn't our fault and take it out on others. Your husband's choices--not his past--are the cause of his actions.

Having two parents is not the definition of a happy childhood. Having adults you can trust is the important thing. Yeah, you're better off having more than just one adult you can trust--but here's the kicker: It doesn't have to be a parent. Grandparents, uncles and aunts, older siblings, even family friends, teachers, or pastors can fill that role. If you leave your husband, there's no reason why you should have to raise your daughter by yourself. People who have been abused are often socially isolated, but once you're out of that situation, you can find new, healthy social connections, people who will treat you and your daughter as an equal.

Being a stickler for grammar is a common trait. To some people, bad grammar just looks wrong and really annoying. If it were just that he was a grammar nut, there wouldn't be a problem.

The way I see it, he needs some controlling behaviour applying to him. Like a damned good kicking every time he exercises his stinking free will. In some cases, control is good.

He told you he hates you. He is using steroids (which can make a person into a psychotic lunatic), banging skanks on the down low. Seriously, is your self esteem such a pile of dog poop that you can tolerate this?

What are you teaching your daughter? It is okay to get kicked in the head and come crawling back for more?

There are boat loads of people that had/have horrific child hoods, and live decent lives.

Leave. Let him have joint custody (or whatever you feel comfortable). Tell him to clean up his act, and maybe you'll work on a future relationship.

Had Fior told me he hated me, and had booty calls on the side, his s**t out be in a flaming pile on the front lawn . If you hate me, fine, let's cut bait and you go your way. You want the skank buffet, fine. Have at it. BUT DON'T FREAKING LIE TO ME AND USE A MESSED UP CHILD HOOD AS A PITY PARTY EXCUSE. I don't like being made a fool.

I have found from others, that by the time all the crap hits the fan, counseling is worthless, unless the cheating spouse has a big "come to Jesus moment", with a full plate of repenting and making amends.

I agree this is more than AS.

But I am not sure I agree someone who was AS would not go to a whorehouse. Surely it's the classic way for relations without small talk? Doesn't matter how socially inept you are, as long as you hand over the cash, your lady of the night won't complain.

He can be both AS and NPD, assuming his AS diagnosis is real and valid, not just a license to excuse his bad behaviour.

I suspect that NPD is the mild Aspergers expression of cluster B (dramatic) personality disorders, whereas messed up NT's gravitate more towards the other three PD's.

But the upshot is, Aspergers and autism are "nature", cluster B disorders are "nurture", so you need to keep your 1 to 7 year old child away from the abuse until her conscience has formed a secure base.

I think it's unlikely that he's got AS; but if he did, it still wouldn't explain his behavior. AS doesn't make you act that way. If it were socially clueless accidental insults, social withdrawal, hyperfocus on his own interests, etc., then I'd say yeah, this is because he has AS. But it's not. He's being a lying, cheating bastard, and that's something you do because you choose to do it, whatever your neurology happens to be.