Do people with other severe disabilities have more friends?

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Joe90
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18 Jul 2012, 11:39 am

The_Walrus wrote:
I've worked with children with all sorts of disabilities, from moderate ADHD to Downs and LFA. Other young people are drawn to children with Downs, because they are often friendly and they are obviously disabled and in need of friendship. With LFA, there's a barrier, because the kids can be stimming and shut you out, but generally they will be treated with sympathy. If you can teach a kid with low or medium functioning autism some basic social skills then their eccentricities will be overlooked to a large degree and they'll be treated in much the same way as a kid with Downs. With high functioning kids (be that with autism or ADHD or whatever), there isn't as much sympathy, and they'll be held to similar standards as NTs for the most part.

I would say, however, that most children with severe disabilities (be that Downs or autism- ADHD or OCD less so) don't really have many true friends. A lot of people will be nice to them, but that might be just to get a kick out of feeling superior, or just superficial niceness. I don't think very obviously disabled children are any better at making true friends than higher functioning ASD kids.

(I use "children" and "kids" because I am in no position to comment on the adult world)

I totally agree with every word in this post. Although people with disabilities besides Autism and AS may also lack social skills, the social skills that they have trouble with are different to the ones Autistics and Aspies typically lack, but I've discovered that every condition that affects the child's learning, behaviour and social interaction does make them socially awkward in some way. When I was a teenager I joined a club that was for teenagers with disabilities, and there was about 15 of them and only about 2 were low-functioning Autistic, and I was a high-functioning Aspie, but the rest had other disabilities like Mental Retardation, Cerebral Palsy (affecting the mental development aswell), a lot had Down's Syndrome, and there were others with other mental conditions that I probably haven't really heard about, I doubt the ones without Autism were all as socially capable as my NT friends. One physically didn't have a voice at all, but she was also different to the general population in other ways because she used to go out with toys, when she was 17.


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MomofThree1975
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18 Jul 2012, 12:27 pm

To the OP, if you would like to meet people and make friends, I have a couple simple pointers.

1) Have a open or pleasant look on your face. This may take some practice. Ask someone to tell you what facial expression looks approachable.
2) Have a generous easy smile. A smiling face is an attractive face. People are drawn to attractive things.
3) Make it a point to ask someone how they are doing and actually listen to their response. If possible, have one or 2 follow up questions. People love when you ask them about themselves. Also remember to try and look interested. It can come across negatively if you ask someone something and then zone out.
4) Initial discussions should be positive and hopefully. Nothing turns people off as the person who is appears to ALWAYS be complaining about something. People are drawn to positive people. It just makes you feel better.
5) Try to do something nice for someone (hold a door, offer to help them carry something, etc). Small acts of kindness rejuvinates the soul and people's faith in th human race. It also makes people feel obligated to give you a second try.

I hope this helps. :)



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18 Jul 2012, 12:39 pm

I'm not the OP, but I have done all these things (and NOT to get friends: I'm just a naturally good person) and seem to have no luck at all. No matter how nice I am to people my age, I only get one or two word answers to my questions. People tell me I'm too negative, but how the #$@#$@# can you be too negative while smiling and saying "So I see you are a fellow X player. How did you get involved in X?" Seems when I try to be genuinely nice to people my own age they seem to think I have a hidden agenda. Conversely, conversations with older adults and seniors are never an issue for me and I can strike up a conversation with a child very easily. Go figure!

On an related note, I have found that the women who smile and give the "signs" of being open and easygoing are usually the LEAST approachable and usually have the biggest attitude problems. I find the ones who are more "negative" are usually the best because they are genuine and aren't putting on a phony front. While upbeat is good, there's nothing I hate more than an actor/actress and most "cheerful" people I run into are just putting on a front.



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18 Jul 2012, 1:02 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I find the ones who are more "negative" are usually the best because they are genuine and aren't putting on a phony front. While upbeat is good, there's nothing I hate more than an actor/actress and most "cheerful" people I run into are just putting on a front.


This is very true. But NTs will pick a phony positive person over an honest not-upbeat one any time, even if they can very clearly see the difference. Many also marry them, then complain that the spouse "turned out to be so different from the beginning". I once met the most upbeat woman, everyone agreed she was the sun in their social circle life. Turned out she was very ugly and that's why she played the "adoringly cheerful" part - as soon as she found herself a husband she turned into the real ogre she was.


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MomofThree1975
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18 Jul 2012, 1:11 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I'm not the OP, but I have done all these things (and NOT to get friends: I'm just a naturally good person) and seem to have no luck at all. No matter how nice I am to people my age, I only get one or two word answers to my questions. People tell me I'm too negative, but how the #$@#$@# can you be too negative while smiling and saying "So I see you are a fellow X player. How did you get involved in X?" Seems when I try to be genuinely nice to people my own age they seem to think I have a hidden agenda. Conversely, conversations with older adults and seniors are never an issue for me and I can strike up a conversation with a child very easily. Go figure!

On an related note, I have found that the women who smile and give the "signs" of being open and easygoing are usually the LEAST approachable and usually have the biggest attitude problems. I find the ones who are more "negative" are usually the best because they are genuine and aren't putting on a phony front. While upbeat is good, there's nothing I hate more than an actor/actress and most "cheerful" people I run into are just putting on a front.


Maybe what you say is true, but there is a possibility that you are reading people wrong. Unless someone comes out and says "what is your hidden agenda" there is a possibility that you are being paranoid. I love sci-fi and there is no way I would get suspicious of anyone asking me about sci-fi (I am NT btw). Maybe you view older and younger people in a different way, so you don't feel paranoid around them.

As for the opposite sex, that's a lot harder to navigate. I am a positive person with an easy smile and that tends to attract men. However, if I am in a relationship and some random guy doesn't know how to take no for an answer, my attitude does change. There are a lot of happy people who are genuine and down to earth. Don't confuse "negative" person with someone with "low self esteem". If you have better luck with people with low self esteem, more power to you.

If you are willing, why don't you ask a family member for help. Maybe they can point out things to you that you are not aware you are doing.



Joe90
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18 Jul 2012, 1:13 pm

I don't have as many friends as my NT cousins do. Well, saying that, I might have, but my cousins seem to hang out in groups, while I just see one friend at a time, because they are at different ages and so don't really know eachother. So I do have friends but I don't have a crowd, if you know what I mean. My cousins all seem to have a crowd, or if not, then they're spending all their time with a boy/girlfriend.


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MomofThree1975
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18 Jul 2012, 1:39 pm

Moondust wrote:
GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I find the ones who are more "negative" are usually the best because they are genuine and aren't putting on a phony front. While upbeat is good, there's nothing I hate more than an actor/actress and most "cheerful" people I run into are just putting on a front.


This is very true. But NTs will pick a phony positive person over an honest not-upbeat one any time, even if they can very clearly see the difference. Many also marry them, then complain that the spouse "turned out to be so different from the beginning". I once met the most upbeat woman, everyone agreed she was the sun in their social circle life. Turned out she was very ugly and that's why she played the "adoringly cheerful" part - as soon as she found herself a husband she turned into the real ogre she was.


I thought NTs were the ones who made global, sweeping generalizations. Why is it that positve people are bad and negative people are good. How did that one woman who you met all of a sudden the poster child for all positive people?



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18 Jul 2012, 4:04 pm

MomofThree1975 wrote:
To the OP, if you would like to meet people and make friends, I have a couple simple pointers.

1) Have a open or pleasant look on your face. This may take some practice. Ask someone to tell you what facial expression looks approachable.
2) Have a generous easy smile. A smiling face is an attractive face. People are drawn to attractive things.

How not to do it:
Image



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18 Jul 2012, 4:46 pm

The_Walrus wrote:
I've worked with children with all sorts of disabilities, from moderate ADHD to Downs and LFA. Other young people are drawn to children with Downs, because they are often friendly and they are obviously disabled and in need of friendship. With LFA, there's a barrier, because the kids can be stimming and shut you out, but generally they will be treated with sympathy. If you can teach a kid with low or medium functioning autism some basic social skills then their eccentricities will be overlooked to a large degree and they'll be treated in much the same way as a kid with Downs. With high functioning kids (be that with autism or ADHD or whatever), there isn't as much sympathy, and they'll be held to similar standards as NTs for the most part.

I would say, however, that most children with severe disabilities (be that Downs or autism- ADHD or OCD less so) don't really have many true friends. A lot of people will be nice to them, but that might be just to get a kick out of feeling superior, or just superficial niceness. I don't think very obviously disabled children are any better at making true friends than higher functioning ASD kids.

(I use "children" and "kids" because I am in no position to comment on the adult world)


Agreed.

I also think those with higher functioning disorders can act out in more difficult ways against authority or other kids sometimes. It's in their nature and understandable, yes, but it may also appear as defiance.



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05 Nov 2012, 1:39 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I'm not the OP, but I have done all these things (and NOT to get friends: I'm just a naturally good person) and seem to have no luck at all. No matter how nice I am to people my age, I only get one or two word answers to my questions. People tell me I'm too negative, but how the #$@#$@# can you be too negative while smiling and saying "So I see you are a fellow X player. How did you get involved in X?" Seems when I try to be genuinely nice to people my own age they seem to think I have a hidden agenda. Conversely, conversations with older adults and seniors are never an issue for me and I can strike up a conversation with a child very easily. Go figure!


I can very much relate to this, except that older women seem to react negatively to me (i'm also female). Kids, haven't been around them enough to know. My smile looks like a smirk to people (been told so). And people seem to think I have a hidden agenda also.



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05 Nov 2012, 2:09 pm

MomofThree1975 wrote:
To the OP, if you would like to meet people and make friends, I have a couple simple pointers.

1) Have a open or pleasant look on your face. This may take some practice. Ask someone to tell you what facial expression looks approachable.
2) Have a generous easy smile. A smiling face is an attractive face. People are drawn to attractive things.
3) Make it a point to ask someone how they are doing and actually listen to their response. If possible, have one or 2 follow up questions. People love when you ask them about themselves. Also remember to try and look interested. It can come across negatively if you ask someone something and then zone out.
4) Initial discussions should be positive and hopefully. Nothing turns people off as the person who is appears to ALWAYS be complaining about something. People are drawn to positive people. It just makes you feel better.
5) Try to do something nice for someone (hold a door, offer to help them carry something, etc). Small acts of kindness rejuvinates the soul and people's faith in th human race. It also makes people feel obligated to give you a second try.

I hope this helps. :)


Thank you for this! Now if I can bring myself to try it...



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05 Nov 2012, 2:15 pm

Callista wrote:
There's an ironic effect that comes out when people have visible vs. invisible disabilities. The more obvious the disability, the less people expect you to act like a typical person. There's more acceptance of those with obvious disabilities as they are. Not to say that they don't have problems of their own--being patronized and underestimated, for one thing--but they do tend to have people accept them as atypical, rather than assume they are typical and just being rude.


Very true. That is one of the huge issues with AS. It is an invisible disability.



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06 Nov 2012, 7:30 am

I agree with some posts talking about visible/invisible disabilities. I think people generally apply the "normal" standards of social interaction to people with AS because they look just normal, whereas they are more lenient to obviously disabled people.

I also agree with someone's post about many of disabled people's friends possibly being not true friends.

So, essentially I think the answer to the OP's question is yes but with reservation that they may not be true friends. At least those visibly disabled people can probably enjoy socialization, though, as someone pointed out, they have to deal with some other unpleasant issues such as patronizing people etc.

This forum is so informative and full of insights from different people. I also realize that there are many people like me struggling in similar ways. I'm just so glad I found this website.



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06 Nov 2012, 11:37 am

Every person who are mentally challenged who I have met (and I have met a lot because I used to volunteer at a club for teenagers with special needs) and all of them had social issues to a degree. Some couldn't even talk, but weren't Autistic. One of them was 20 but literally had the mental age of a 1-year-old, and he had a wheelchair. He wasn't Autistic though, I just know he wasn't. He was just severely ret*d, both physically and mentally. He did love attention though, if you gave him eye contact, he did smile at you, and he used to wave to everyone passing in the street and if they said hello to him, he flapped his hands excitedly. He was very cuddly aswell, he used to hold his arms out to people. I used to cuddle him too.


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06 Nov 2012, 7:46 pm

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I don't get it - in some threads I am convinced that there are physical differences in Autistics, but in this thread it indicates that Autistics don't have any physical differences and so that's why we don't get a second chance. Have we got physical differences or not?


There's a difference between 'statistically more likely to have certain physical characteristics' and 'most people with the condition have an appearance that is readily recognized as disabled'.

Take Fragile X Syndrome, for example. Geneticists consider FXS to have a distinctive appearance. But if you look at pictures of FXS kids, a few are a bit 'funny-looking', but none would readily be recognized as disabled by someone who isn't experienced with FXS.

Autistic physical differences aren't even as recognizable as FXS. They're subtle things, each present in only a subset of autistics, but statistically more frequent among autistics. For example, one of the best characterized traits is an odd pattern of head growth, with a small-to-normal-sized head at birth, which grows rapidly in early childhood so the kid ends up with a bigger head than normal. But these kids still don't look that abnormal, just because they have a bit of a big head.



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07 Nov 2012, 9:37 am

Yes, this is often the case because most other disabilities are not social disabilities.


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