Finding a place in life

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Now I've lost it.

Caught in desire will certainly make you miserable. I speak from expieriance,

I see myself caught in desire for the next 10 months, After my desire is caught I would like to move, but where? I was considering dominica but they have really messed up laws concerning sexuality. and its not just there, its practically ALL of the caribbean. Guess why? Christianity. 2/3rds of this planet are off limits to me because of Christians and Muslims.

The grass isnt always greener on the otherside, So I'll probably remain here in good 'ol Flagstaff, AZ.

Wich as it turns out, isnt so bad after all.

My goal is to be around as few people as possible. In school kids had all their dream job they want to have. I just wanted to be myself. Live life one day at a time. I don't really care for money if I just have for basic needs that perfect. I remember all the problems in school with all those "what do you wanna be when you grow up" how are you supposed to know that

My goal in life was to get my life back on track before my 35th Birthday, three years ago. I asked myself a few questions about myself. I went back to my 60s Mod roots. I've also rediscovered The Kinks after listening to Punk and Metal during my two years of anger and cynicism. I've reached my goal before my birthday that year, and I'm not going back to my old cynical ways.

Id be happy to find a place where I feel that I am safe and I am sure that I will have my medicine and the body that I was supposed to be born with. I want a car where I can drive to get away and maybe spend quiet time in the forest to rest and to relax by fly fishing.

People say that I have a brilliant mind but most days I am lucky to barely take care of my basic needs and other days that doesnt happen.

Is that too much to ask?

yes, you ain't gonna get it

I know an Aspie who found out what he loves to do and seems to be doing pretty well. Personally, I kinda decided I wanted to die before my 18th birthday when I was 13 or 14 and stopped making friends, my interest in school faded and I stopped showing up, and I pretty much played video games all day - although I didn't really like most of them all that much. I'm 26 now, and I want to do better, but it's kinda hard to undo the damage I've done. It's not getting any easier too, so I feel the same, I guess. I don't believe in a God or anything, so I don't really see why I shouldn't check out if I'm not enjoying life and have nothing to look forward to, but I'm not quite there yet. Plus, I mostly just feel like a fool whenever I voice these kind of thoughts. Gotta keep trying. I guess I'm just weak in a lot of ways, and I should be able to find some joy in life if I'd really want to. Something to hold onto and all that.

Right now I'm finally finishing school and I have my own apartment. I feel my friends kinda abandoned me, although I'm probably at least partially to blame. They're nice, but I'm always the one who has to pick up the phone. It'd be nice if someone would call me for once. I used to go to the gym often, but I've been quite busy (excuses, I know, but it's true). I want to start again in the near future though. Unfortunately, right now the bridge I have to cross to get there is out and the nearest alternative is a bit out of the way. Must be annoying for the people who live there. Anyway, I'm done complaining.

Im tired of being scared all of the time. I had hoped that things would get better but they arent getting better and Im tired of crying and wondering what will happen next? My entire body hurts and I'm tired. My life sucks.

What did I ever do that was so wrong?

Place? Goal? No.

I used to have a place. No goal, but I was content without one. Now I'm just nihilistically drifting through existence.

There's a real low rent, hill-billy, red neck, beach side village 1 hr from here

Used to be full of mental patients until the asylum shut, nows its full of meth heads and gang members and nut jobs

I was thinking of moving there, then they found another murdered body..... and I wisely decided that that place is not safe for someone with aspergers syndrome

Psychologists might enjoy it there though

Well, I have two goals that clash together Really want to figure out numbers and geometry/topology, like a mathematician, but all that to figure out time and space, like a physicist. In math I'm good at geometry and stuff, but bad at calculus. In physics I remember the laws and stuff good and sometimes make up interesting theories, but often mess up labs and sometimes want to figure out the mathematical proof of everything, which is not always possible. People sometimes really like my abstract ideas, but I'm horrible with their realization (solving and calculating) and sometimes I forget those algebra and analysis theorems.
Basically, physics inspires me to do math, so I'm probably going to go into physics. But sometimes I get nervous that when I get a job people won't really like my methods of figuring out the world...

I exist but to say that I live is probably an inaccurate statement xD

Sanctus, look for LadyElaine. She's your age.

Cool screen name? Are you Catholic? Just curious.

yup. i want to run off from civilisation and find myself a nice cave with good wifi.

I felt like an outsider my whole life. I have a lot of physical & mental disabilities besides Aspergers that cause me to struggle with lots of life stuff. The only goal I had as a kid & teen was to be done with skewl cuz I majorly struggled in it due to dyslexia & other related learning disabilities. When I wasn't in skewl like when I had summers & vacations off or when I got home from skewl, I just wanted to spend the whole time in my room watching TV & playing vid games while listening to music. After I graduated high-skewl, I wanted to find a job cuz I knew I was supposed to but I spent most of my time online when I wasn't going to places to put in apps. After I got my 1st girlfriend at 20, my goal was to get married but I was still looking for a job & spending most of my time online. I eventually got a job a while after we broke up & my goal after the breakup was to find another girlfriend. I was a workaholic & when I wasn't working, I was on dating sites or online forums when I wasn't sleeping. After I quit working my goal was to find another job & my other goal was still to find a girlfriend & I was spending most of my time on dating sites & online forums. After I got my 2nd girlfriend my goal was to get married till she broke up with me. Shortly after the breakup I got in my current relationship & I haven't really had any goals since I moved to be with her. We would be married by now but she's also disabled & it'll screw up her benefits. I'm still unemployed & haven't looked for a job since I moved over 5 & a half years ago. I had a lot of adjusting to do & my girlfriend has anxiety & depression & doesn't want me gone more than a few hours a day but I don't have a clue how to go about finding a job like that. Part-timers at the 3 jobs I had were scheduled 6 to 9 hours a day 4 to 5 days a week. I worry getting a job like that would risk losing my disability & other benefits because I wouldn't come out ahead financially if I lost them cuz my health care would be expensive. It doesn't pay for me to be working 30 hours a week to be in about the same financial situation as not working at all. I really should start looking for a job where I can only work a few hours a day cuz we could really use the extra money. Anyways I spend most of my time with my girlfriend & I spend time on comp when I'm not with her. I haven't made a single friend here & neither has my girlfriend but neither of us are social people who go hang out at places & neither of us has really tried to make friends. It doesn't feel like I have much of a life at all compared to the majority of society & the majority of society would probably look down on me for not working so I defiantly feel like I don't have much f a place in life except for my girlfriend.

That's quite interesting, nick007. 'Tis good that you managed to find a job, despite all your struggles with skewl and stuff. Who did you work as? My brother's like you: all he wants to do is play video games, like hotline Miami, skyrim, halflife 1 or 2 or watch people making videos about video games or jokes about how our world is so corrupted or messed up. The only thing that we both love talking about is history, (especially ww2), but he doesn't really want to be a historian or anything...