Being Too Eager To Please

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Moondust
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23 Aug 2012, 7:29 pm

StuckWithin wrote:

Respect is generally won when others see that you are not a doormat, and that you are not easy to manipulate.

Plus they like you. Because in my case, once they see they can't manipulate me and I'm not a doormat, rather than respect me they vanish.

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StuckWithin
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23 Aug 2012, 7:30 pm

Moondust wrote:

once they see they can't manipulate me and I'm not a doormat, rather than respect me they vanish.

Actually, be grateful that they vanish. It means they weren't interested in you as a person anyway. Good riddance to them.

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Nikkt
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24 Aug 2012, 1:19 am

StuckWithin wrote:

Being too eager to please may be an attempt to win other people's kindness and respect in return.

Unfortunately, rarely is respect won this way. That can be hard for people on the spectrum to figure out at face value.

Respect is generally won when others see that you are not a doormat, and that you are not easy to manipulate. They respect you then not because they have necessarily come to like you, but because they understand that they can't swing you around any way they may feel like. You send the signal that you are not manipulable - and they discount you as an easy target. Problem solved.

Indiscriminately pleasing others can come across as an invitation for others to treat you as they please and that's not a good thing.

^This is what I have found.

Also, the perceived reason behind a behaviour often holds more weight than the behaviour itself - e.g. if you're too nice, it's like you're saying to everyone else - "look at me and how 'nice' I can be, I bet you can't be this nice! I'm so much better than you at being this wonderful!"

You're actually communicating the opposite of what you're hoping to communicate.

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Moondust
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24 Aug 2012, 3:56 am

StuckWithin wrote:

Moondust wrote:

once they see they can't manipulate me and I'm not a doormat, rather than respect me they vanish.

Actually, be grateful that they vanish. It means they weren't interested in you as a person anyway. Good riddance to them.

Not always. In many situations in life, I need a connection with someone specific at all costs, so if I know they don't like me, I have to over-please. That's why I gave the example of work in a bad economy.

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Jediyoda
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24 Aug 2012, 4:51 am

I have a habit of always trying to please friends, I do not like upsetting people or saying anything bad or doing anything wrong to anyone to keep friends even though my friends use me and control me and I do not have the guts to say No and I do not like them treating me like that because I dont want to upset anyone. I got told to be more assertive and let people know how I feel and dont look weak but that to me is easier said than done. Am I too friendly, am I just a sucker.

Sagroth
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24 Aug 2012, 4:59 am

Yep, I do this. My therapist calls it "giving the gold."

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LaPelirroja
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24 Aug 2012, 6:32 am

I believe that most of us with Asperger's have an innate desire to make connections with people- after all, if we are more likely to be intellectual, discussing different, new topics can be extremely stimulating, and a desirable byproduct of dealing with people. However, it does not come naturally to us- therefore, we must work harder at it.

It is really not much different than, say, somebody being excited about learning to play a new instrument. For most, it playing the flute does not come naturally, but they are eager to do whatever it takes all the same.

StuckWithin
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24 Aug 2012, 8:50 am

LaPelirroja wrote:

However, it does not come naturally to us- therefore, we must work harder at it.

Yes! That is very true.

Well, given that it may also be harder for us to achieve those connections based on the quality of our "politicking" skills, it may be better to simply learn to be indispensable - then people will want to know you.

Not easily done, but it's doable. Just look at Temple Grandin: world expert in cattle handling systems. She recalled how when she was younger, people in charge "thought I was so weird they didn't want to talk to me. But then I whipped out my drawings - and then I got respect". (not verbatim, but close to it).

And look where she is today.

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anneurysm
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24 Aug 2012, 9:50 am

Moondust wrote:

StuckWithin wrote:

Respect is generally won when others see that you are not a doormat, and that you are not easy to manipulate.

Plus they like you. Because in my case, once they see they can't manipulate me and I'm not a doormat, rather than respect me they vanish.

That's been my experience as well. I've recently discovered that there was often a "trade-off" to many of my connections and friendships in the past because some of these people felt they could use me for different things. When I cut all of those people out and left all of the people who were there for me and genuinely cared, I felt much better about myself as a result.

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Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.

StuckWithin
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24 Aug 2012, 9:51 am

anneurysm wrote:

I've recently discovered that there was often a "trade-off" to many of my connections and friendships in the past because some of these people felt they could use me for different things. When I cut all of those people out and left all of the people who were there for me and genuinely cared, I felt much better about myself as a result.

Been there myself, and I can corroborate it. You finally feel like you have neutralized a lie. It's a great feeling.

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StuckWithin
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24 Aug 2012, 9:53 am

Jediyoda wrote:

You'll have to do it - or it will eventually destroy you emotionally. I learned this late in life, but it was a very necessary lesson. When you gain legitimate self respect, people will begin to treat you differently. It's all about the unspoken signals that one's behavior sends out.

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JCJC777
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23 Dec 2012, 5:07 pm

good thread - useful

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