Refusing to do a favor

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Joined: 11 Nov 2011
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20 Sep 2012, 12:31 pm

I would just say "I can't do it right now because of financial reasons" and if he keeps on about it, lie and tell him that you already had a check bounce because of a bank error and you are getting that cleared up at the moment.

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Janissy
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20 Sep 2012, 12:40 pm

Chronos wrote:

Moondust wrote:

My landlord lives outside the city, he owes someone some money and wants me to pay the guy, he'll then send me a cheque by mail. It's a bit of a lot of money, and I don't want to pay the guy from my bank account, so I said "I'm sorry but I'm not able to help on this issue". I always help him in everything I can.

From experience, I know I lack the NT empathy to intuitively know how to say NO to someone without offending them, so what do I do if he insists and/or is offended??

I think you handled the situation rather well. Requests can generally be divided into three categories. Reasonable, reasonable but unfeasible, and unreasonable.

People who make unreasonable requests tend to do so for one of three reasons.
1. They misjudged the request as reasonable because they misjudged the relationship with the person they were making the request of.

2. They did not understand the burden their request carried.

3. They are the type of person who will exploit another individual as much as the other individual allows them to.

In either case, if the request is unreasonable do not hesitate to say no. In most instances, they should have known better than to ask. Also do not hesitate to say no if it's reasonable but unfeasible for you. If you do do someone a favor it should be on your terms entirely, and if they don't like that, then don't do them the favor. If a person makes an unreasonable request and is upset or offended that you declined, then that is their problem that they will have to deal with on their own, not yours.

I agree. There's no way to know which of the three reasons apply here, but "I'm sorry but I'm not able to help on this issue" was a good response. Repeat it if you need to. The way you phrased it was polite, in case it was the first or second benign reason. If it was the third exploitative reason, it's good you didn't give any reasons why not. Giving reasons why not allows room for argument, as Morningstar warned.

I think you handled it well. Continue to handle it in the exact same way if he asks again.

CyborgUprising
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20 Sep 2012, 12:58 pm

That sounds like a scam if I've ever heard of one.

Back to the point: A favor differs from an order in that it is not obligatory to perform the will of the individual asking for a favor, but if you were ordered to do something (within legal and ethical parameters) by someone with rightful authority over you (a parent, employer, CO, other superior), you are expected to obey. A favor is asked with the implicit awareness there's a possibility and ergo an expectation that one may decline to do it.

Moondust
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20 Sep 2012, 1:27 pm

Janissy, NTs are normally able to get out of such a request without annoying the person, or they know when it's wise to say yes rather than risk annoying, say, a landlord. Whereas aspies tend to think in terms of what's fair rather than what's smart to do. And we express the truth directly and without an intuition for the tone, intonation, etc. that will make the NO sound ok. I guess there's no way for us to learn to talk like you guys in these instances...

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