Please advise on how to support fiance during melt downs?

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I would still run, I wouldn't want to be with someone who destroys things. I don't care if it's caused by a disability, I wouldn't want to live in a house where holes are punched in walls or where my things get ruined or my stuff gets taken or removed from the home, etc. He should have worked on those things before getting into a relationship. I wouldn't expect anyone to be with me if I was that destructive. I can't even compare this to a broken leg. At least the leg heals, this does not if it's never worked on and why bother gambling to see if they can improve it in a few months or a month or so? I wouldn't even want to stay with someone for even five years for this. I refused to stay with both my exes and should I have gambled with them? I would have been destroyed and so would have my self esteemed and everything. I may have been cut off from my parents and I would have been estranged from them because my ex acted that controlling because he was so paranoid. My parents think he would have cut me off from them. Those two had no intention of changing anyway.

BTW my husband fell and hurt his back during a seizure and was out of work for several months and I didn't leave him. Okay so what if he started to drink and then he got abusive and even if he was in therapy for it but was still abusing me or destroying things in our home, would you still compare that to a broken leg? GMAFB.

s**t maybe I should just avoid these threads, they tick me off so much. Then comparing it to a broken leg really pisses me off, it's like an insult.

The comparison to a broken leg is because this isn't this guy's usual state, evidently--it's gotten worse lately, most likely due to stress, possibly a more acute mental illness. I am NOT saying that true abusive behavior is an illness or an injury; that is a choice, and if this person has made it, then he should not be in a romantic relationship. But mental illness, whether or not it is complicated by autism, is not an excuse to dump somebody.

I am absolutely not implying that it is okay for this person to be hurting people. Did you notice that I am saying over and over again that the OP needs to stay safe, move out if necessary? Part of supporting someone with a problem which hurts others is not to let them hurt you, and luckily the response is the same whether it is intentional or not. If they are not doing it deliberately, then it means less for them to feel horrible about afterward. If they are doing it deliberately (or negligently, such as by choosing not to seek treatment for an emotional problem which lowers self-control), then you still need to keep yourself safe. Whether this is an abusive situation or someone with some serious mental-health issues, the "keep yourself safe" principle is the same.

This tendency toward violence is probably something that requires hospitalization simply for safety's sake--voluntary hospitalization, hopefully, since being forced in is not nearly as bearable. A hospital is not a panacea, but it does keep you safe and others safe, and that is important.

By the way: There are medications for severe meltdowns in autism spectrum disorders. Usually, they are neuroleptics, risperidone being the most common one. Because they are strong medications sometimes with problematic side effects, they should not be prescribed to anyone with autism as a matter of course--but in the case of severe meltdowns, they are an option. The best option is to find the cause for the meltdowns and learn to deal with them; but when people are already getting hurt, short-term safety needs to be ensured before he can take advantage of therapy properly.

I don't think someone who hurts another person consistently, intentionally or not, can really handle a romantic relationship. That's my opinion.

It is reasonable for some people to choose to leave someone in that situation.

It is also reasonable for others to choose not to, to keep themselves safe, and to work on the meltdowns. Meltdowns do not mean its an abusive situation.

Just because one person would leave or one person would stay does not mean every person needs to make the same decision. There is nothing wrong with saying that someone who has problems and has meltdowns deserves the chance to work through them and keep their love despite meltdowns being worse.

Staying safe is necessary. Doing what you need to for both of you is necessary even if its less pleasant. But its not necessary for everyone to leave people because of meltdowns and meltdowns are not abuse.

Another option instead of hospitalization if it works for you is for both of you to stay with others instead of on your own for a while, if the others are able to help with the meltdowns. Someone close to him who understand the meltdowns, understand what's going on, and are supportive of working through it would be an option if there is the proper relationship with said person or people for both of you. Somewhere that you aren't alone together might be enough to prevent hospitalization being necessary depending on the severity and frequency of the violence. Having multiple people around someone in that bad of shape can be meaningful.

How frequent is this level of property damage occurring?

Agree that there needs to be a separation so that he understands togetherness without IMMEDIATE and COMMITMENT TO ONGOING therapy is not an option.
Done.

The thing most inspiring to me is this:

"What did help me was learning about autism, learning why I was different and what I could do to help manage my own symptoms, as well as joining the disability community in general--learning that disability is neither a source of shame nor a reason to be pitied; that disability is a normal part of human existence. "

OK - so here's the thing. Knowing that it is totally possible for someone on the community to have been themself a person who had violent melt downs to come through that in terms of acquiring self awareness and then self responsibility so that they can manage their life with success and share their experience with others - that's what I KNOW my fiance's capable of and that's why I don't give up.

I just need to know - what's the best way to get there? How did you do it? You say 'learning' about autism and 'joining the disability community"

So if it's not too personal to ask- are there specifics you can reccomend? Specific books/ scientific papers/literature? And specific communities to join ?
We have Maxine Aston's 'Aspergers in Love' which was incrediblu helpful for him. Anyone out ther got more to reccomend?

We're based in Southern California btw.

Thanks all.

Although helping him to help himself is great, you really can only control yourself.

Advice from the Autism Discussion Facebook Page, similar to what I was actually saying helps with me during my intense meltdowns (it is advice for parents, but you can substitute parent/child for partner):

"Validating emotions before punishing behavior

When a child is upset and acting out, we tend to focus on “stopping the behavior” as our first priority. When doing so we often punish the behavior, without first understanding “why” it is occurring. Often the child doesn’t have (1) good abilities to control their emotional impulses, and (2) have good skills in handling their reaction to their emotions. So, when we punish the behavior, we are punishing their emotions as well. This tends to invalidate the child, and does not teach them a better way of handling their emotions. I often recommend that whatever technique you use to reduce problem behavior, first “acknowledge and validate” the child’s feelings, then deal with the behavior. Try starting out the intervention this way:

1. Acknowledge that the child is upset "Wow..John, you really look upset to me!"

2. Next, validate that is ok to be upset, "I understand how that you are upset because you cannot have ______ right now. That might make me upset to." This does not mean you have to agree with him, or approve of his behavior, just acknowledge and validate how he feels.

3. Finally, help the child problem solve or understand when or how he might get what he wants. Focus on what you want the child to do, not on any negative behavior.

4. If the child is too upset to talk reasonably with you, simply say "You are too upset to talk right now. That's ok, you let me know when you are calm enough to talk." Then minimize any attention given to the upset behavior." Do not try and reason with a child who is acting out. So little emotion, speak matter of factly, and only reason and problem solve once the child calms enough to talk reasonably.

5. After the child calms down enough to talk, then return to steps 1-3.

This respects the child, even if we are punishing the behavior. Focus first on the feelings, not the behavior. “It is ok to be upset, but not ok to hit.” In order to reduce a negative behavior, you need to focus on training an better alternative way of responding to take it’s place. “How do you want the child to respond” when he is upset? Sit down with the child and work together to identify alternative ways of responding. Once you identify one or more, then practice and role play the desired response, until it becomes more automatic. Then, when the child is upset, validate his feelings, and then coach him to use the response you two have been practicing. You will find that you are then “teaching” the child, rather than simply punishing the child. The child see you as a “working partner” with them, and will try harder to develop more appropriate ways of acting."

And:

"Common elements in handling intense emotion!

During emotional overload the child is often overwhelmed, feeling very vulnerable, and entering in the “fight or flight” panic mode. Although every child is different, there are some common elements to consider when helping your child through these intense emotions.

1. Each child is different, however, once you understand the child it is about helping them feel safe and accepted during the emotion (even if we do not like the behavior). Our goal is to acknowledge that are overwhelmed, reassure them that they are safe, and validate that they are accepted. We do not have to “accept” their behavior (especially aggression or property destruction), but we can validate the feelings behind it. At the time when they are overwhelmed with emotion, their cognitive coping skills collapse, and they feel very vulnerable.

2. Usually showing little emotional reaction and keeping verbal interaction to a minimum is usually best during high emotions. When our emotions escalate, it most always fuels the fire. Also, for many, the child’s communication skills often collapse during the escalation. Both receptively (understanding what you are saying) and expressively (talking about their feelings). Do not expect them to reason with you at these times. Say very little, and do not ask them a lot of questions. They cannot process, and reasoning taxes their mental energy. Many children may find repetitive, rhythmic chants or simple songs soothing. Often a sing-song chant, when used frequently, can help calm.

3. Remove all task demands and requests for action. When they are in panic, “fight or flight” mode, they cannot not focus or reason through any demands. They need to back off and rebound. We need to reduce the stimulation and cognitive demands on them. If they need to follow through with something, wait to they calm down, then go back it. Low the demands, as well as stimulation. Some children need to totally leave the situation to an isolate themselves until the fury calms down.

4 Respect the child's comfort zone. Some may need to be by themselves with minimal interaction, others welcome support in soothing. It is extremely important to know what there comfort zone is. Some children will withdraw and shut down, wanting little interaction. Some children will seek out and calm to deep pressure stimulation (holding, squeezing, messaging, rocking, etc,) Some want you nearby, but not touching or talking. Some will calm to repeating the A,B,Cs or chanting their favorite nursery rhyme. Often slow, rhythmic patterns (rocking, singing, chanting, etc.) can sooth the nervous system. Also, know what “not to do”. Know your child’s comfort zones and respect them.

5. Have a plan! Whatever little strategies that work and you use, do them every time. Sameness represents familiarity, which presents predictability. There is security in predictability. It helps calm the fury. Uncertainty and unpredictability will fuel the fire. At the time when they are overwhelmed by emotion they need familiarity and predictability. It helps they feel safe and secure, even during times of chaos."

https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage

Thank you!!



I agree with you and was glad to see what you wrote about how his stress levels are playing a BIG PART in the increased volatile behavior. Yes of course with stres the frequency of the melt downs increases: change causes stress, lack of income can cause stress, of coursse death causes stress and your partner being away 15 hrs a day Mon-Fri with work leaves you feeling very alone with all this stress - SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY HIS NEED TO CONTROL HIS ENVIRONMENT IS GETTING SO INTENSE, and his behavior becoming so OUT OF HAND.

I want to create a life where I don't need to be away from him because of work Mon-Fri so that we can spend more time together and he can have a chance to communicate more accurately what h's feeling - so that the feeling of overwhlem can be avoided if he has someone to talk to before it gets too bad and it goes straigh tto melt down. But it takes time to be able to create that kind of life: and in the meantime of course I have to go to work!

He's not a violent or brutish guy when he's not in melt down. he's beautiful and giving. He teaches yoga to developmentally different adults with learning challenges. He wrote to the government when he was 22 to express his position as a consciencious objector. He's thoughtful and brilliant.

But when the stress becomes overwhelming, all that goes out the window and the need for control becomes primary - and the melt downs begin. And sometimes don't stop for weeks.
Right now he can go into melt down 3-4 times a week.

All I want to know is given that we need to build up some cash to get back in to therapy, what in the meantime can I do - given that I have to work - to support him in becoming self aware and self responsible ?
What did other people do? How did you succeed?

Thank you for the links above in previous post. Will check the FB page for sure. More advice so very welcome!!

Thank you all

When I'm having a melt down, there is nothing anyone can do. Seriously, I'm responding to an advice post with the equivalent of "I have no advice, I'm simply vomiting up posts to keep my self busy."

something that might help is him getting an activity he can do while your away. like a hobby he enjoys or something.

Books--let's see; I read Temple Grandin's stuff, and Attwood's. I learned a lot from the blogs of other autistic people, and then started a blog myself to write about and organize some of those ideas. As for disability rights--the only book I can think of off the top of my head is called No Pity, and is a history of the disability rights movement; but there's plenty more where that came from. Try to find books written by the disabled people themselves, instead of by their family members or by professionals.

Regarding blogs--you might try the Autism Hub:
www.autism-hub.co.uk

One blog I found particularly helpful:
http://ballastexistenz.wordpress.com/

I'm not really so sure about Maxine Aston... her qualifications aren't that great, and she seems to have some serious baggage skewing her conclusions into an unrealistically negative outlook for AS/NT couples. Just... grain of salt, m'kay?