Severely autistic, but yes I can speak etc. -Feeling bitter

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I was just airing my own frustrations, unfortunately in quite a haphazard way. I wasn't really talking about suffering in general, which is of course a universal experience. I'm not really sure what the whole point of my post was now anyway. I don't think it was very clear or thought through.

From the outside looking in it does seem more appealing to have an NT brain, because the world could be ''different'', but it isn't at the end of the day. But yes, of course, being NT or AS or anything else doesn't mean you escape life. Again, I was simply talking exclusively about my own feelings of frustration.
I think you've misunderstood the tone of my post.

It's not about thinking you're the ''only one''. Knocks are part of life for everybody.
I think however from my point of view one of the worst things has been that despite having many harsh experiences, my emotional maturity was very slow to develop (which is common in AS) so I kept getting bullied and viewed as immature and gullible and invited more harsh experiences because of it.
That is just one thing I do hate about AS, because when life is hard it is better if you can protect yourself socially, and I hate the fact that I am out of my depth socially and so this is a challenge. Does that make sense?
Just a side thought.

I wasn't implying that you don't know what it's like to be disabled. Clearly you do experience the disabling effect of AS in various ways. And yes, people with disabilities can have rich, full, meaningful lives filled with good people and experiences and so on.
But I guess I'm just wondering if I can cope with this disability personally. That's fair concern. Also I am sick of being questioned and made to get re-assessed because it just reminds me of mistreatment in the past due to ignorance about the condition.
It's a serious issue, not just for me but for a lot of women who have AS and even men, it's very under-recognised and the consequences of that can be devastating.
I have tried to educate the mental healths services I am under but it's not easy to change the culture of thinking. That makes me angry. That's all.

I don't really appreciate the condescending tone of your response. You have made assumptions about what I am saying. But really I'm just a frustrated person trying to find some solace on a forum that is after all supposed to be a bit of a safe haven for this kind of thing. This post was rather subjective. I wasn't talking about the human condition in general or the various ways in which I may have been fortunate in my own life; that would have been a different post!
Like I said, I didn't think that constructively about what I wrote.

But if you want my honest opinion, I think that suffering is so varied and so changeable in scale, but so intrinsic to all our lives, that in some ways you could say there are as many different ways to suffer as there are people (indeed, NT or AS or anything in between).
So please don't make assumptions about my reasons for posting. I'm just tired of and frustrated by certain situations; the complaint didn't have much depth to it in all honesty.

I don't claim to know you, or what you have been through, especially since you changed your initial posts to elipices. But one human truth is that we need to cling to what makes us happy or find something that will be good for us even if it's work. Having autism is no different. You have a lot of baggage from the past that you need to deal with, whether it be through therapy, etc. If you don't let it go, it will destroy your self worth and sense of well being as a human. We all suffer from the effects of autism on this board and all wish we could focus or just understand social cues or get organized, etc. Some of us have bigger struggles. We don't let the past get to us.

Don't try to tell me I don't understand abuse either because as I don't know you, you don't know me. Do try to tell me you'll find a way to deal with the past and get better. Sorry to sound bossy but sometimes we need that push.

I agree that I have a lot of baggage from the past. I didn't realise how strongly my anger and resentment about the past and how it's keeping me stuck was coming across really, until seeing your reply and another reply/s.
I was upset that I was coming across in a certain way, maybe different to how I intended. That is why I deleted my posts.

I have yet been unable to get long term therapy, and although this would no doubt be of benefit I cannot access it at the moment (due to unstable living circumstances) so I choose to help myself in any other ways I can.
I have been told psychotherapy would benefit me because I apparently come across as intensely angry but very muddled, and psychotherapy is helpful to pin point the areas of pain right down to what they really are so they do not become bigger than that. That is apparently one of it's purposes.

This is hard to do alone as it can be too subjective. That's part of the reason I want to use a place like this!! WrongPlanet is more subjective than nothing.
I cannot access psychotherapy at the moment, but maybe I should try to at some point.
Meanwhile I guess I just have to try and do some self reflection.

I feel more circumspect after reading your reply and Callista's, even though I think she somewhat misunderstood the intention I had of writing this post to begin with, which is fair enough.
One of my problems I think is I do not explain myself very well.



I accept I must stand alone with my past, but you are wrong to assume I have done no work on myself or do not pursue things that will help me. I have tried many different things, for years.
It has taken me years and years of work to get to where I am, I used to be worse. I have overcome severe addiction issues mostly through my own hard work, for example.
I have never given up. Please do not assume I am weak or unwilling to help myself. I've survived a lot and I've fought hard to get to where I am (and yes, this is the case for many people, but I am just clarifying as it may not have been clear from what I wrote).
I was just in a somewhat reckless, despondent mood when I posted on here.


My struggles as well are not just limited to autism. This seems to be what you are implying by saying ''Some of us have bigger struggles''. Yeah, so do I!
You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about me based on a poorly written forum post.
I have not written my life story on here. I'm not sure it would be appropriate to do so.


I accept I must keep trying, but I have been extremely suicidal for months just lately and am currently just trying to come out of that.
I am well aware it is up to me.


Why would I try to tell you you don't understand abuse? I would not have done that, as I do not know you. I have not done that on this thread so far.

I am well aware anyone with any ASC understands disability whether they have co-morbidities or not, and never meant to imply otherwise.


It seems a bit much to say no one else on this board lets the past get to them. I think that is a bit of a sweeping statement. Many people on the planet are brought down by their pasts. Some people never recover from traumatic pasts, or kill themselves or whatever else. I know people whose lives have never recovered from various traumas. And of course there are many whose have, this is also true.


However I do appreciate honest feedback on how I come across. That is important.


I think probably when it comes down to it my anger and self hatred are big stumbling blocks, and PTSD.
And whilst blame can be attributed to others for causing these things in the past, I agree it's how I take pro active steps to manage these things in the present that will determine the quality of my future.
Please appreciate that it just takes time. I'm just fumbling about a bit with it. I'm not really giving up or refusing to keep trying.

I am sorry, I never intended to offend anyone or piss anyone off. I feel somewhat guilty for posting on here to begin with.
Thank you for replying.

I'm sorry about causing that confusion. I should have thought about it more, I guess. I didn't intend to sound condescending; I know I can sound stuck-up or know-it-all and I still haven't figured out exactly how to avoid that. Sometimes when somebody mentions something, it'll make me think of something else, and then I'll go off on a mental rabbit trail that can end somewhere else completely, resulting in irrelevant or off-topic responses. Feel free to disregard my posts when this happens...

I have actually really appreciated both your and Mr Obvious's less immediately sympathetic and more objective responses.

It has given me insight into my own addlement and ill-expressed anger. This is important, because I need to learn how to cope with my internal feelings as well as interact with people, simultaneously- as this is what a lot of socialising seems to come down to.

I did not express myself well on here.

I think some of it is my OCD. In my head it's like; I am angry, this should not have happened, I hate myself, and I'll say or write things to confirm this or cancel out anything that triggers me, rather than write anything straight forward- like neutralising things each time.
It's just part of what goes on in my head a lot of the time. I hadn't gained full insight that it was coming out in what I wrote.
This may seem nonsensical, I don't know how else to explain it.

I suppose it comes down to I think I have taken a lot of s**t in my life, and I have, but I have to stand alone with it; comparing to others won't help me in the long run and how I create a good life for myself from now own is pretty much entirely down to how I manage these difficult feelings, whether I access outside help as part of that or not.
Easier said than done, but I appreciate that it is the case.

One of the tricky things for a lot of people I think is that therapy is not just something you can access when you need it, and you have to live a structured life to engage in it. This has been a particular problem for me for certain reasons (staying in one place etc.), but I'll continue to help myself through other methods.

Again, I never meant to come across with a complete victim mentality or to put any one's back up.

Like I said, I'm just fumbling about. I appreciate having WrongPlanet as a resource.

I have to get offline now. But thanks for your time

I am aware that this may come across as horrible and it probably is, but sometimes I think that it's less difficult to have a clumb foot (for instance) with great social skills and charisma than having autism and therefore social impairment.

I think that's possibly a common feeling, and I get where you're coming from. It's true to some extent. The brain and nervous system are affected in autism and those are bigger and more significant regions of your body than your foot.
I have often wished I had an arm missing or was in a wheelchair or something instead of the debilitating OCD I have to live with. It's also harder to have a disability that is hidden in this world based on appearances.

But also I think a lot of Aspies feel disfigured because of feeling different inside, even when they look fine their feelings about themselves force them into feelings of ugliness and despair. It's a hard one to break free from