how do you talk to people in a bar?

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I think the best way is to start with something a bit random, or very obvious. I like you shirt, shoes etc...
If you asked me a year ago I would not have a clue. But I tried reading a few books on conversation and pushing myself to go and talk to people. All of the books said the same thing, the opening line doesn't matter, it's how the convo goes after that that is important. Also try to remember that to NT the convo is like a friendly game of tennis at first. They will send (what are to NTs) deliberately easy shots so that the other person can easily hit it back with nice replies and further nice questions or comments. To NTs they are just feeling out if the other person can communicate. So long as you don't say anything weird or possibly offensive it doesn't really matter what the first few lines are. It can seem like a pointless load of blah blah blah, but the words said are not the important part to NTs at this stage.

There are many many places to meet people not only bars. One way I found was to ask directions to somewhere. You can think of a place you find interesting, and then kindof hang around nearby looking a bit lost. And approach people who look like they might be good potential friends to ask the way to that place. Then you have a few openers for the conversation,
1. how you came to be a bit lost
2. why you want to go to that place - if they are interested to it could develop into a 5 min conversation.
3. etc
If you get on well try to exchange numbers, or even go for a coffee etc if they are not in a rush. The place could be anywhere, a book shop, a clothes shop, a museum...

For the people saying that loud music in bars is a killer for conversation I totally agree. I like clubs and music & dancing, but I can not hold a conversation with anyone in those places.

I got better and was making progress. But it added a lot to my feeling of stress in life. And then I had the new people I met contacting my with text messages etc which I started to find quite stressful to reply to. So now I feel like I am almost back to square one. I have made 2 new friends who I think will remain good friends for a long time, although one aleady moved away so we do not have much chance to hang out now.

I've actually found bars the easiest place in the world to figure out the "rules."

Pretty much everyone there is there for one of a number of limited reasons. I've found that just making eye contact first, then just saying "Hi," pretty much sums up the way to figure out whether anyone there wants to talk or not. If they do, they will. Right after "Hi," it'll just take off from there. If they don't, they might say hi back, then turn away quickly.

The single common factor there is that pretty much everyone there is already lubed up with alcohol. They'll either warm up to you quickly, or turn away just as quickly.

If you're looking for a place to make real friends though, bars are the worst. Simple fact: almost everyone there is lubed on alcohol. They aren't who they are when they aren't drinking. Just because somebody is good company there, means nothing. They may be totally different when they aren't there, and aren't drinking.

Best way to know is, if you meet someone in a bar, set up a time to meet them somewhere else as soon as possible, in a totally sober atmosphere. Nine times out of ten, friendships forged in bars, for me, have not lasted.

I'm not against going to bars. I will go, with friends or dates that I've met elsewhere and have already forged friendships first in a completely different setting.

Won't they say "why"?

bar fly is the word I think
Around Auckland City many bars seem to draw dodgy people, really depends though, many good people do go to bars too.

I think it really depends on the place. Some places will be dodgy snake pits, and others will have a good crowd.

Being autistic, you really wanna know how to gauge others before going to bars, because your sick of being lonely.
Interestingly, a little wine in others company may be ideal for you

How do I talk to people in a bar?
Small initial comments with look aways, allow you to gauge the other in a polite and casual manner. If they engage you back in a way less than ideal, you can move on easily. Using your glass as a shield in front of your, and taking sips, can all be used in conversation....

Or, if they spark interest in you..... I think your supposed to flick your hair and adjust your collar....
Find a bar girlfriend you can trust who will teach you stuff, seems to be a few NY women here....

Some aspies should not go to bars!

Last edited by Surfman on 04 Nov 2012, 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When I used to go in bars I started playing backgammon with people
At least then you don't have to socialize too much. But it depends of bars.

Why don't you just find some people on the internet and meet them in real life. It is much easier.

Yes. Probably those who should not drink to begin with.

I've tried that. It never seems to lead to expanded in-real-life contacts though. Usually Internet social people aren't so offline social. I'm tryign to do it the hard way, because I think there is more value down that path.

I used to go to bars by myself, order a beer, and read a book (I have extreme focus while reading). Sometimes people would talk to me because I was so odd for doing that. It also helps that I'm female, though. I was never sure if I was pleased that they were interested enough to talk to me, or if I was annoyed that they interrupted my reading.

You pretend to not have something. A lighter for a cigarette, change for a dollar, etc. Then ask your target for assistance in the matter.

Perfect, none weird way to have a short conversation.

Then make into a long conversation.

I have issues with lying. I'll spend the entire conversation apologizing for the initial deception. I don't think that would work so well. I have to start honest or I'll have all kinds of problems.

As a straight guy, I would be weirded out if some random guy came up to me and offered to buy me a beer out of the blue, or told me he liked my shoes.

Typically people who go to bars alone will sit at the bar and watch TV. Usually it's some sport playing. You're in NY so people are probably into baseball and football... There's a lot there you can use to strike up a conversation. Watch some games in your free time and try to be somewhat knowledgeable about the NY teams (giants/jets, yankees/mets). When something important happens, everyone watching the game will react and then look around at each other and be like "wow, did you see that?" And you can be like "yeah, so-and-so is playing so well lately. Did you catch the game last week against team X?"

This doesn't really sound like a great idea to me anyways, though. I'd look into doing meetups or something.

I am older and more sensible now ....

My approach was to go drunk and get drunker quickly. Thereafter, non-violently psycho is good. Drop any notions of 'normal'. You don't need the psychedelic drugs (at least I didn't, alcohol was enough) ... just dance. Pretend you are a bushman, a neanderthal, dancing around a camp fire, praying for rain and a good hunt. After all, what is dance? Its a celebration and a deeply spiritual experience. I am older now,but don't get me dancing ...

If you are into sports, and the conversation goes about sports, I guess you can lend a ear and join the group that you find to have the same support for a particular team. The backyard mechanic is also a topic to study, DIY stuff, manly stuff to talk about. Or you can talk about fictional hookups and brag about most stuff you never did. Then you get the hustlers, the guys playing dumb with you when playing pool when they are actually so practised you are doomed to lose your money. I'm sure there are some people that are nice to talk to and have similar interests. I haven't gone enough to find such people.

Don't go to a bar to meet people by yourself. People go to a bar to meet friends or friends of friends.

A better idea would be to do something with other people. This can help you ease into being around the other people, and then you can slowly start talking to a few people. If you have a hobby, join a club. If not, find a few clubs in the area and go try them out. The benefit of a hobby over a bar is that you have something to talk about straight away that's topic based. When I go shooting, we just talk about guns.

Most of them will be sports related, but archery and 22 target shooting are mild sports I've enjoyed. Tennis and golf are mild sports - many people go to meet people and exercise. If you like cars, join a car club. If you want something more creative and indoors, Warhammer is a good hobby. If you like gaming, go to a LAN party.

Work is a good place to meet people too. If you don't work or don't like your workmates, try volunteering.

Another option is to sign up for a class. This can help if you don't have any hobbies. Try an art class or something. You can sit quietly and paint while having a small conversation with the person next to you. Again, you are focused on the activity, not purely socialisation, so it is easier.