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Finding people who accept you for you

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1000Knives
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29 Dec 2012, 12:55 pm

kotshka wrote:
When I lived in the US, I had almost zero success socially. I did get friendly with a 30-year-old neighbor when I was a teenager, and there was one guy in high school who liked the same odd cartoons and things as me (who is also now planning to escape the US and come live here with me), plus one teacher (about 60 years old) who was a decent friend to me after I graduated.

My real success came when I left that country and came to Europe, where the culture is very different. There's almost zero pressure to conform and groups of friends are not homogenous the way they are in the states. Everyone has different tastes, interests, hobbies, appearance, and age range is all over the place. Friendships are mostly formed through shared experiences or through mutual friends.

There are a few groups here who never showed the slightest discomfort with the fact that I'm so different, and in fact most of them took it as a positive thing. I'm sure these groups must also exist in the USA, I just never encountered them while I was there. So if you're looking to make non-judgmental friends, be on the lookout for:

1. Hippies. I mean dreadlocked, pot-smoking, making-their-own-clothes-from-rags, acid-dropping hippies. In fact, anyone who has ever experimented with LSD is far more likely to appreciate your unique personality, gifts, and differences than someone who never has. I know this is harder in the states since there is such a paranoia about "drugs" (the ignorance of which is demonstrated pretty clearly by the fact that all drugs are referred to collectively as though they are the same, ie "he's on DRUGS"). In this country, it's not even really illegal, so the hippie culture thrives a lot more.

2. DJs/clubbers. I'm talking about electronic music here, not the "80s night" type stuff. The people who compose and enjoy this type of music have a generally different mindset than people who listen to more mainstream stuff. This is far more popular outside of the USA but I'm sure it must exist over there. This culture often intersects with drug culture as well, but not always, and if you're not interested in drugs you needn't worry - I've never been pressured to do anything I wasn't interested in.

3. Artists. If you can find a community of artists, they will most likely think you're amazing. Especially the counter-culture types (intersecting with hippies here) often spend a lot of energy trying to break away from what is mainstream, and then in you walk, the opposite of mainstream just by virtue of being yourself. The stranger you are, the more valued you are. If you're any type of artist, that's just a bonus.

Obviously these are pretty big generalizations, but by and large I have found them to be true. Almost all of my friends are in one or more of these groups, and they all think I'm fantastic without any "faking it" on my part whatsoever.


Europe is nice, eh? Usually European people are more friendly to me here. I've been mistaken for a foreigner by people, too. Prague, eh? I was thinking Eastern Europe or maybe maybe Italy or Greece. Eastern Europe thinking specifically Poland, as I'm part Polish and it's the ethnicity I identify with most. I was thinking Russia, but it seems a bit too thug-life for me.

Me personally, I like the 80s disco stuff. A lot. In fact I was playing eurobeat, and I gave this random old Italian stranger a ride (I thought maybe he was Hispanic, but later figured out he was Italian.) He was like 60+ years old. Anyway, I had eurobeat playing in my car. He gets in and is like "turn it up!" He said he never heard anyone in America listen to that kinda music. Eurobeat is obviously Italian in origin, but yeah. Was the best. It was like I found someone who finally "got" my music. Even though it was a random Italian senior citizen.

Lastly, as far as hippies/artists, and the EDM crowd. Well, my neighbor who was into like hardstyle and stuff like that just thought I was super duper strange and weird for liking eurodance and eurobeat. Like at first it was "yay someone else who likes EDM" and then he found out I was into really different EDM than him. Also, I wouldn't drink or do drugs with them either, or really party, so uh, yeah. Sort of had a tense relationship with him after that.

Oddly for me, one community that seemed rather inclusive was the car community. Cool fellows. I got invited to cruise just by virtue of owning a Supra, even though it was beat to s**t. It'd be sort of cool to have some Initial D-like car bros for friends.



lonelyguy
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29 Dec 2012, 5:21 pm

That's why i am under lonelyguy..have been for a long time..i find it very hard to make and keep any friends..so understand what you mean when you say most people on this site have some kind of social interaction.
i have have struggled for yrs trying to get to the point of being in the room with more than one person never mind working and having friends....but i suposse we all suffer in different kind of ways depending on the range of the spectrum we are on

I am OK on line ...but then you don't have to face people....hoping one day i can get over the problem..but right now will just have to accept being a lonely guy :(



YellowBanana
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29 Dec 2012, 5:48 pm

Catharascotia wrote:
Hi, I'm new, and I've been reading a lot of posts, and I am surprised by all these people with AS talking about friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives, understanding bosses, etc.

How do you meet these people? Because I have met very few :/


Hmmm. I'm 39 and (excluding my husband) can count the number of real friends - who accept me exactly as I am - on one hand

A is a friend I have had on and off since I was 3. We shared similar, bizarre, interests during school years and because she always accepted me for who I was, I was also accepted by her friends (although I never classed them as my friends). She lives 600 miles away, where I grew up.

B & C are teachers of my special interest with whom I formed a close relationship as they were extremely supportive when I was going through a very deep phase of depression several years ago (including actually taking me to the doctor to get help). Unfortunately they now leave thousands of miles away from me. I haven't seen them in 3 years but will be visiting them at the end of January.

D & E are practitioners of my special interest. They are around my age, and live 150 and 500 miles away. One has her own mental health challenges (as I do in addition to my ASD), the other had a stroke 6 years ago and since then her brain works in a way very similar to mine and she also as a result of the stroke has sensory sensitivities.

My husband I met while at University as we studied the same course and have been with him nearly 19 years. However we would never have spoken had it not been for the early days of internet chat (I was in the lab one day and a message popped up on my screen from him ... I didn't even know you could do that!). He has some strong spectrum traits but no social impairment. Like friend A, his acceptance of me as I am means that his friends also accept me (for the very few times I agree to socialise with them).

So how do you meet these people? Common interest, really. I have never really been interested in making friends but seem to have done OKish ... though it should be noted that all five of those that I count as real friends live a considerable distance away. I don't have any friends locally. There are a couple of people who practice my special interest who I'll sometimes go to the cinema with (though I prefer going on my own) and have a meal with but they don't really "know" me so I don't consider them friends.


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Female. Dx ASD in 2011 @ Age 38. Also Dx BPD


tjr1243
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29 Dec 2012, 9:59 pm

1000Knives wrote:
Lastly, regarding any sort of friends, the way friends are judged, how much they accept you, etc, isn't by what they say. Or even their actions (in the short term.) It's by if they still stay around you. Whoever is left at the end, is your friend. You may find some people who initially will be really positive, help you out a ton, and suddenly just not wanna see you or talk to you much. Then you'll have friends who are sorta like, not the greatest, but still stay around you for years. Don't consider anyone you've not known over a year to be a "friend." In my book, if someone still talks to you for over a year, they've accepted you.


i've had many people drop off the radar before that 1 year mark. Then i constantly get the really positive, helpful folks....yeah, suddenly they don't want to see me or talk to me much. I don't know why I can't learn from experience :wall: The pattern is, the previously positive person responds SOOO kindly when I bring up the worry that maybe i'm not getting on as well with them as in the past. They act like nothing is wrong...."Oh yes I like you!" they might say. But in action, they are gradually fading away. I just wish I could anticipate those situations before they happen rather than wait and get burned, time again.

I guess some of us Aspies have to view friendship like a fruit with an expiration date :(



Catharascotia
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29 Dec 2012, 10:21 pm

tjr1243 wrote:
1000Knives wrote:
Lastly, regarding any sort of friends, the way friends are judged, how much they accept you, etc, isn't by what they say. Or even their actions (in the short term.) It's by if they still stay around you. Whoever is left at the end, is your friend. You may find some people who initially will be really positive, help you out a ton, and suddenly just not wanna see you or talk to you much. Then you'll have friends who are sorta like, not the greatest, but still stay around you for years. Don't consider anyone you've not known over a year to be a "friend." In my book, if someone still talks to you for over a year, they've accepted you.


i've had many people drop off the radar before that 1 year mark. Then i constantly get the really positive, helpful folks....yeah, suddenly they don't want to see me or talk to me much. I don't know why I can't learn from experience :wall: The pattern is, the previously positive person responds SOOO kindly when I bring up the worry that maybe i'm not getting on as well with them as in the past. They act like nothing is wrong...."Oh yes I like you!" they might say. But in action, they are gradually fading away. I just wish I could anticipate those situations before they happen rather than wait and get burned, time again.

I guess some of us Aspies have to view friendship like a fruit with an expiration date :(


Yes, I've had many, many people vanish on me. On the other hand, last year I would talk a lot with a girl in a couple of my classes. We studied together a couple times and hung out over the summer a couple times, but weren't close, and I assumed I would never hear from her again after she went to graduate school in Europe. She came home for Christmas and wanted to see me, which was a pleasant surprise.