When someone tells you her husband died

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When someone tells me her husband died I probably am going to laugh. I know it sounds really bad but do you know the reaction when you're, like, covered with an avalanche of really strong emotions which aren't your own? And to cope with the situation, you have to shrug them off fast....? Well , for me laughing is instinctive and I usually feel really stupid and terrible doing it, but I simply have to.

I always try to supress the laughter (usually it works) ; I use phrases everybody uses in the same situation- the ones I've learned from the movies etc. Sometimes i even try to make physical contact, but it's not natural - it's the thing I know "people always do".

I was thinking about this last night, actually. I am not devoid of empathy, but I do think I feel less of it than most people. In most cases, if someone tells me about a death in their family, I generally don't feel sad with them; when it comes to expressing condolences, I do have to fake it a lot of the time.

On the other hand, if it's a sudden death, I might feel shock, and I tend to feel sadness more when it's something I can relate to or can think of how I would react in a similar situation (or if it's someone who's close to me). In those cases, I can feel certain emotions quite strongly. Expressing it never comes naturally, though.

I read an older story about BitTorrent founder Bram Cohen last night, and this part stood out:

http://www.businessweek.com/stories/200 ... -aspergers

I can relate to this because for me, responding in this manner isn't necessarily automatic. If I see someone crying or upset and don't know what's wrong, I don't feel sad/upset with them. If I feel anything, it's more likely to be the urge to flee from the expression of strong emotions.

Last edited by FishStickNick on 07 Feb 2013, 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I remember once a work colleague who sat next to me at work, came in and was looking very serious. I asked her if she was OK, or if she'd had a good weekend or something. She replied that her grandad (who she'd been really close to) had died. I was only 17 at the time, so hadn't had time to learn a bit more about trying not to make social fax pas. So I said to her "oh, did you cry?" She then started crying, and I didn't know what to do. I just felt so awkward.

Yikes. I don't think I can out-awkward that, but one moment that stands out for me was when a coworker had a death in the family; she initially informed me over email and I expressed condolences over email. When she returned to work and mentioned it in person, I was unsure if I was supposed to express condolences again or what, so I ended up just saying, "yeah...".

Depends on the person for me. And when it happened.

If my grandma told me she had cancer l would be sad, l don't need to see it.

People on the internet, coworkers, etc? No. l just don't care. l don't not care. But l don't care.

So much of this is overdone with NTs, l realize aspies may lack some sort of affective empathy in SOME situations but the "normal" reaction among NTs when any kind of information like this is shared among acquaintances is totally false(or else l am also damaged lol).

I also have no empathy, which I heard can be a symptom some aspies have. However, a few select traits traits of schizoid PD and narcissism also relate to me, and lack of empathy is part of these PDs. If someone tells me their husband (or anybody else they were close too) died, I would be like oh, I'm sorry just to be polite, but in reality I don't care. However, if it was someone who provided me a cheap service or other favor, there loss would be rather disappointing.

Your last sentence made me laugh for some reason (probably totally inappropriately). What a practical reason, plain as you like, that does indicate empathy issues.

Thank you for you reply, the emotional arousal system working without dial and no middle ground is understandable. I really took my friends' passing hard. In regards to other deaths even in the family, i did not get as near upset as i did with my friends.

I do feel bad for others who have had a death yet i'm not sure if it's a "learned emotion" like a learned behavior. Physcially seeing someone in pain would likely affect me.

God forbid i saw an animal hurt i would have a meltdown. It is never that way with humans. I seem to have certain specific "soft spots" for animals, elderly, homeless people so that i would feel more for them in certain situations than other humans. Maybe this has been trained into me when i was young?

Its confusing at times i have made inappropriate comments to people about events not realizing that it was bad. Like the time i was 16 and a girl the same age i knew told me she was pregnant so i was like "are you going to get an abortion" and she got really mad at me. I figured she should at least finish high school first... yet i guess she wanted to keep the baby and its father =p

I hate saying "I'm sorry" but unfortunately there really is not much else to say in that situation. You could say "Oh geez, that sucks" but that would seem politically incorrect.

Or you could stay silent and go "Hmmm". Believe me I have thought about alternatives to "I'm sorry" or "My condolences"...those two phrases are so stereotyped nowadays and mean almost nothing. Stereotyped phrases get on my nerves. But some guy at work, his wife died and he was tearing up after a long vacation. It started to get to me so I said something about him being a wonderful person and I hope his positive attitude towards people never changes.

^ sums it all up for me.