grief and funerals

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I've been to the funerals of all four of my grandparents in the past decade, and each and every time, despite how well I liked them when they were alive, I just took the event as something I had to do, rather than a time for mourning or celebrating their life. Even as far as their passings went in general, I didn't really react much beyond, "Oh, they're gone. Now what?"

When my close relitives/friends die I find the pain of watching them die makes me go into a shutdown of sorts, When they die I feel releaf not saddness like everybody else. I never cry throughout the process even though I cry all the time about silly little things in comparison. I might cry months or years later hearing a song or something that reminds me of that person and intrests we shared.

I try to avoid funerals partly becouse there boring and I have been known to make inapproete jokes and comments for the time and place, even look happy compared to normal. I hate having to smack myself and say why did you have to say that! and get talkings to for my childlike beheavior. I show up later and leave early to avoid talking to people, sit in the back etc. funerals and visitations are also bad becouse 100's of people call me by name and talk about me like I should know them but I have long forgotten who they are and getting dressed up only worsens that problem. Sometimes I meltdown over all the other issues from the death, not so much the death itself. I also deal with these things by going out and doing fun things when people die as if nothing happend at all.

These are bad times and places or those who have poor control over their emotions, voice and apparance, like me.

My great-grandmother passed a few months back and I was the only grandchild that didn't have tears in my eyes. I loved her very much, but I couldn't feel any grief. I knew I'd miss her, and I still do occasionally. But I caught grief from other family members because I kept making jokes during the wake.
Death and such doesn't bother me as much as it did when I was younger. It's like the older I get, the more detached from the feelings it brings I become. Which I would understand if there were a lot of deaths around me, but I've been to make four funerals since I was a kid. 24 now.

I don't cry when someone dies either, and this has always struck me as odd because I'm actually very easily moved by other things (I can be moved to tears by things like a sad scene in a film or book, or someone doing something particularly kind for me). I have never discussed this with anyone because I feel awkward about it and I think it would make me seem heartless to NT people. I do sometimes cry at funerals, but it's because of the sadness being expressed by the people around me, not because the person has died or because I feel a loss.

I think I've figured out why it is. Autistic people tend to exist in their own world and therefore have difficulty connecting with other people and the world around them. I'm also not really involved with any person such that their death would be a disruption in my routine, because I live alone. Therefore, their death doesn't mean very much to me, and is an abstract concept that doesn't affect my inner world. This isn't a reason I feel good about, but that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I think if someone who was part of my inner world were to die (such as a best friend or lover who had genuinely managed to connect with me) I would be devastated. I just haven't had anyone like that in my life yet.