How did you describe your ASD traits to yourself before Dx?

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Well I knew by the time I was around 12, even though back then I couldn't really comprehend what exactly aspergers was. I kept hearing developmental delay, but didn't really understand. I guess I thought I had no obligation to interact with other people on the level I do today.

I can remember specifically thinking that I was merely an observer, and I was not an actual part of what I was watching. I was like a 3rd person camera just taking in what was around me, and that is how I lived my life until about the time middle school started.

I viewed myself as cripplingly shy. Back then, however, I wasn't as sensitive to things like light and noises, so I didn't really have meltdowns (though my mom claims I did, in fact, have them... I have no clue what to make of this). As for the odd stimming (feeling/smelling hair, sucking thumb, etc.), I didn't think it was particularly aberrant.

I felt disconnected outside looking in. Always observing not participating. I thought something was wrong, thought I was just socially flawed in some way and really enjoyed doing everything alone. It's not even because of rejection but just because I did not feel much of a connection to people. My world was in my head, it was a big world and it was my world...

i thought my general anxiety and making a big deal out of nothing was the result of growing up in a sheltered environment, which wasnt at all the environment i grew up in, but was led to believe it was.
i thought i was selfish and stupid. i kept being told i'm highly intelligent and didnt believe it. i thought my inability to read expressions was due to lack of experience born from not being around people, and my face blindness a result of me not paying attention.
i didnt understand at all why i flapped my fingers.

I still haven´t been diagnosed, YET I know I am on the spectrum. And before I found out, I thought my behavior and perception of the world must be caused by some personality disorder - perhaps antisocial, borderline or narcissistic PD.

I'm not quiet diagnosed yet but on a bad day I used to tell myself that I had a dud personality

On a better day it was just shy, OCD, suffering from past a trauma, because im an only child

As a child for a while I believed I missed the day at school when everyone stood in a line and had magic words whispered in their ears that made them normal.

I too am still awaiting diagnosis but a lot of these answers are quite familiar to me.

I was aware of being different, awkward, naughty, problematic outcast of a child from a young age but it was about 11-12 that I think I started to really consider why and how I was different. I would have bouts of depression as I became gradually aware of the scale of my differences and problems. I knew there were social and emotional issues of some kind but could not fully explain or understand them so actually began to think of myself (at the more depressive times) as some kind of monster or broken human being.

I tried to convince myself that I was just imagining my issues as some kind of self-indulgent sob story and, if I just tried harder and stopped allowing myself to believe it, I could sort myself out. I managed to become a better actor and better able to put on a mask but the issues remained. Occasional self-reflection confirmed there was probably something still 'wrong' with me in some way. However it was very rare that I would alow myself to dwell on this since it lead to suicide attempts in my teenage years so I guess it was a meassure of self-protection. When I would try to understand, my analysis of the facts led me to the troubling conclusion that I must be sociopathic, phycopathic or schizophrenic. After all, I had messed up and rarely expressed emotions, seemed to have real problems forming any kind of emotional connection, had to expend a large ammount of energy on 'acting normal' and mimicing what I calculate people expect were I not odd (much like the TV character Dexter describes). It made so much sense that I sort of scared myself into just accepting that it was probably true but I didnt need to tell anyone since it could ruin my life I had built up.

Of course, having finally read up on AS, these worries seem foolish as AS does a much better job of explaining my condition but I can see why I thought what I did.

These are mainly the descriptions of how I thought of myself when at my most reflective. I would also slip into states of denial when I would tel myself that I am imagining this whole 'being different' thing but I do seem to meet the criteria so I guess that was maybe just wishfull thinking.

PTSD, giftedness, and being an only child.