i dont even know if i can make it on my own

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That's the big issue. Aspies often have to remind themselves that they need to do this (could be almost all the time).

I'm happy it worked out for you goldfish. You are right in that it really is a lifelong work in progress.

Aspies are typically very intelligent - they just spend too much time thinking about everything but themselves.

*working out for me - I'm far from perfecting this, but I try each and every day. I've been a little bit off track with a few positive habits I've created for myself lately due to being off work sick for a few weeks and getting lazy, but I'm getting back into the swing of things again vs. letting myself go back to old bad habits.

I know it's a big issue. That's why I need to remind myself of it all the time. One thing that motivates me is the example one of my very close Aspie friends sets for me in the way he leads his life. I respect him and appreciate learning from him, so when I think of how he seems to be by nature it motivates me to be more that way for myself. Not being a naturally super self serving person, I need more than just that, and I find a strange sort of motivation in my respect for him and appreciation for learning from him - as I then feel that if I were to go ahead and spend my time and energy on things that completely do not serve me, that I'd be disrespecting him and the things he's taught me by his examples. I'm often more motivated by that aspect than by doing things for myself because I know I ought to.. and I'm ok with that, as whatever works works, right?

As for AS intelligence & thinking about everything but themselves.. perhaps that's a part of our purpose, no? Think of all of the problems in the world that wouldn't have been solved (or won't be in the future) if there weren't Aspies to do it on behalf of everyone else for the utilitarian good of mankind. Even if we neglect ourselves, there's some serious value to the way we do think & act that can benefit billions of people. Heck, take a ride in the waaaaay back machine and have a look at selfless people like Jesus & the Buddha. (who were both possibly on the spectrum, if you think about it.) Had they not lived selfless lives and philosophized and taught others what they had, well, I think the world would be a worse off place for it. Nah, we're not all like those guys.. but there are a lot of us that work on some seriously good things when it comes to science, engineering, environmental sustainability etc etc that NT's wouldn't have the capacity nor ability to do if it didn't enrich them personally. These AS traits aren't necessarily negative.

Finally someone who really gets me! Few people understand it.

It's nice to know that these issues in fact stem from aspergers.

The first most important step is to have addressed the issue and taken it seriously. It's great you've done that.





Exactly, whatever works works. I motivate myself in a similar fashion, but with another motivator, however.

What I realize is that life is simply a matter of existence/survival. This implies a natural selection process. That natural selection process is what we refer to as our lives. As a result, whether you think of yourself or not becomes a matter of opinion whether you should survive or not!

If you don't think about yourself, you're not going to survive. Simple as that.

I've found the true motivator for me is that i love myself. I love myself immensely!

You could ask yourself: do you really love yourself if you don't think mostly of yourself?

The answer would be something like: in that case you cannot truly love yourself!

Thinking of yourself is an outward sign that you value and love yourself.






I agree with you! It's not for no reason the aspie mind is here.

But the thing is; I'm not willing to sacrifice my happy life for utilitarian good of mankind. I think it is kidding oneself. As you say, it's the very few lucky aspies who can actually contribute to mankind. I'm talented in some ways, but nowhere enough to do any progress for mankind.

It's too big of a sacrifice.

It's not just about survival. Almost anyone can survive. It's about THRIVING. Big difference, IMO.

And self love is certainly a huge contributor to being able to thrive. The Aspie friend I referenced in my last post is one of the most self accepting & loving people I've ever met. It certainly goes a looooong way towards doing things for ourselves vs. others, that's for sure.

As for contributing something for the good of mankind & self sacrifice - who says the two have to be mutually exclusive? Sure, some may focus entirely on the good of others and come up with something great, but who says we can't be self serving, live a good & happy life, and possibly also end up contributing something for all? After all, it is a common phrase that we can't help others until we help ourselves/look out for number one first etc.

You're trying to fix a lot of things at once and this is probably why you're overwhelmed.
I think that if you picked one thing at a time to work on, it would be easier.

Wow.

qawer, goldfish, you guys just hit it right on the head. THAT is what my biggest issue is. THAT is what I seem incapable of doing. It's so strange that this post came up today, this was the topic that was discussed in my therapy session this morning. I think for me there is an element of having always felt different and trying to find a place to fit into the world (i.e. thinking of myself as part of the lives of others and as part of everything around me) And you are right, you can never thrive and be happy that way. It is nice to hear about people who are further along with this issue than I am, it gives me hope.

Your father is being a jerk. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not get cognitive impairment and how it affects people, so he might need someone else to explain it. That would require your psychiatrist to be on your side, which it sounds like he may not be.

I agree it IS about thriving. But that's only because thriving gives a better survival-opportunity Consider whether the desire to thrive is not just a (great!) survival tactic...I would not say surviving is easy if you don't thrive.




It's definitely possible to make a compromise.

But if we are able to "be self serving, live a good & happy life" I wouldn't talk about a sacrifice in the first place. But I surely get your point!

Last edited by qawer on 01 Mar 2013, 6:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have some good advice, and I appreciate you putting it into words because while I have had similar experiences, the best I've been able to verbalize it with is "You have to take care of yourself."

I think it is important to recognize what one needs to do and what one does not need to do. Also what one can do, what one can do with help, and what one cannot reasonably do with or without help. And understanding how sequencing tasks can be a challenge and finding new ways to sequence them in easily comprehensible ways. Callista has a great post on her blog about how to sequence cleaning a room that is explicit and detailed enough to be helpful, but not bogged down in those details. Many recipes (for me, anyway) are the opposite: I can't sort them into directions I can make sense of, even some recipes with numbered instructions*.

Understanding these things does make it easier for me to work out how to deal with them. My conclusion is not "I can't cook" but rather "I have to find ways to learn how to cook the things I want to cook that work for how I think and process information.

I am not sure why I ended up here, so I'll leave this as is.

* My therapist wanted to see my problem with recipes in action and brought one up for me to look at. It had a numbered list of instructions and I found the first instruction very confusing before she explained it all to me. Plus her suggestion as to how to prepare the ingredients apparently upset me very much (I didn't feel upset, but she interpreted my response that way - I will admit that I found the suggestion clear, but the thought of doing it was itself confusing).