His self-diagnosis is stressing me out

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In my opinion, you should accept his refusal to do social stuff or to go out, but you should not accept his ignoring you or otherwise mistreating you.

In other words, if he can't treat you well, he doesn't deserve to have, and possibly shouldn't have, a partner. If having AS makes him abusive and impossible to live with, you are not obligated to be abused for his (self) diagnosis' sake.

Regarding the social stuff, though: it could well be that he's been forcing himself to be social all this time (even if he looked "successful" at it) and that learning about AS finally lifted a tremendous burden from him. Maybe he's able to breathe for the first time in his life, by realizing that there is a reason he has difficulty functioning socially (whether he looked good at it or not). And that he might indeed have a legitimate "excuse" to abstain.

Regardless of his self-diagnosis YOU have the right to be treated with respect. If he doesn't like that fact, then he's not relationship material.

Two years before I diagnosed myself a former friend attacked me for exactly that. Like a lot of us I knew there was something wrong but didn't know exactly what.

I wish I could find out and catalogue them all in my head so I can hide them all at work or socially and that way succeed as much as normals. (My goal in life: succeeding almost as much as normals.) I'd also like broad shoulders and a million dollars but those probably won't happen either.

What blows about my AS is I know the underlying problem but not all those little things that still obviously get in my way. That and most of the people I know met me before I knew about AS and long ago made up their minds about me. So that way I'm stuck.



Not really. The AS gets in the way of our making the right choices more than it does for normals but we can still choose. AS isn't insanity or even a mental illness in itself, I like to say, just like wearing glasses or being dyslexic. We know right from wrong. It's not an excuse to kill, maim, steal... or emotionally abuse one's girlfriend (en_una_isla is right).

Last edited by Young_fogey on 09 Jan 2007, 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sophist makes a good point. But it's also possible (and none of us are there and know for sure) that he is dealing with depression that may or may not be directly related to AS.
Brainiac's SO (spouse?) may have been depressed (or other some such issue) and has centered on AS as the current reason/relief/focal point.
Using "doomsday" lectures or crying or threats on a frequent basis to control your spouse is abuse. Using any behavior to control someone is abuse. If your spouse refuses counseling or a visit to the doctor about it, you may need to separate. Manipulation is a very serious issue and can lead to other forms of abuse.

Thanks for the answers all, gives me something to think about. I thought long before posting whether I should post in the Dating section or in General - but when you've lived with someone more than ten years, it's more than dating so I figured this was the place to put it.. My SO was the one who found this site, so he has an account on it someplace. I have also shown him your replies, using them as a starting point for a discussion.

As a teacher I know you have to be careful about labelling because it's very easy to mold yourself to the stereotype and become that which others have dubbed you. I guess that's what you mean by "falling into the stereotype" and becoming more autistic than.. well, someone very autistic. It is comforting to hear it is sometimes just a phase.

I will keep talking to him, maybe he will consider going for counselling - if not for his own sake (since he seems happy with his condition) then for ours. Wish us luck!

"Logic chopping fighting Mancunian".
I have no idea how to take this.
Yes, i have a grasp of logic, i am a mancunian. I don't understand this 'chopping & fighting'.
Is it an insult or an attempt an humour ?

An attempt at humour.

Good: thanks for the clarification.
(BTW, of course en_una_isla is completely correct.)

The term is ( denial ), that’s why you have to bang your parents head against the wall until you finally knock some sense into them, denial can be short or long lived or never got over... That’s why you should have Cognitive Therapy, I am still on the waiting list waiting to get in… coz I guess 90% of the population think in a negative way probably…

/*
Can be assertive without been manipulative or aggressive to define it as "abuse" is someone who will not negotiate the relationship and wants everything they way or nothing at all...
*/

Its called faking to threaten them, you do not go through with it or mean it, you just get them to think about it, its like the attitude advice.... if you want to hear the extreme version after the look at what your attitude is doing to you...

It is only defined as abuse if you repeat your actions, unless physical. This is a main reason for people who really are been abused been afraid to come forward coz they don't believe the police will believe them... & crying is abuse?

Lets put it this way you both walk away from the relationship, your both depressed waiting for the other person to phone while both are doing the same thing, they automatically think the person must have no interest in them, and then you go on to forgetting about it... When in reality if you used shock tactics you could of found out if the person did want to be with you and he is just in denial… As USA pay for they stuff ye? They will just do the same thing make you look at yourself they manipulating you into changing your negative word into a better word…They is sometimes when you can let it slip as they only trying to tell you & help you, as probably they already tried the other ways they keep building up till they leave…

Unless your with a jerk that didn't even have any feelings or care about you in anyway he will just leave...

Tell him that the point of getting diagnosed is to pinpoint the problem(s) and to be able to use the information function better in society - not an excuse. It should be just as possible for him to function as it has been before he was dx'ed, and should be possible for him to even function better.

If a famous NFL football player starts experiencing a lot of pain in his leg, but is still able to function a bit in practice set-ups for a good amount of time, and then learns from a doctor he has a manageable (I say manageable because he can choose to be like before, and still do simple social interactions like seeing family and such) muscular condition, like malnutrition, it would be wrong for him to plainly stop everything and just go around saying he's suffering from malnutrition. This is almost about what your spouse is doing.
A moderately OK thing to do (still not great, but better than above) would be to continue as if the athlete hadn't learned that he had malnutrition. IE, he'd still continue doing the practice set-ups, but not bother changing his eating habits.

The best thing for him to do was to learn a bit about malnutrition and find how it is specifically affecting him (maybe he's missing... vitamin b or something), and try and fix the bad parts (eat more vitamin b things) and use any good parts to his advantage (doesn't really work in this analogy, but for someone with AS, working with something the person is highly interested in is a huge plus), and then get back into the game, and back as a pro-football player.

WOW! I'm now trying to figure out whether you're trying to be blunt, honest, or insulting.

I hope it's just honesty, because you've managed to achieve the other two incredibly well.

I won't comment on the relationship stuff because it is always hard to tell if someone is giving a clear picture of what is going on. If you have someone who is hypersensitive themselves they might overrreact and imagine slights that really are not there.

However - I do not see that Aspies can not CHANGE some of their behavior once they know what the deficits are. That is different from saying that anyone who is on the spectrum is choosing to behave more/less on the spectrum. For instance if you have sensory overloads there is not alot you can do to change that per se - but you can learn to recognize the signals that you are getting overloaded or learn which situations led to that and decide what action to take from there. So you are not changing basic neurology - but your actions can alter the outcome of such. Similarly there are those on the spectrum who can learn by copying and studying NT behavior and seemingly "act" more NT. It usually takes some effort and often is not something that is easy to do over a long period of time because it requires alot of intense focus and control.

Although I do question the idea that a person "acts" or becomes more Aspie once they learn about the label. It may really be acceptance of themselves and less of a desire to try and pretend to be normal. That is why I do not care for the idea that people stereotype themselves once they get a label. I have a label of OCD - and before I even learned there was such a thing as OCD I had what is considered very stereotypical behaviors. After learning there was such a label I did not decide to be "more" OCD - and was surprised to find out that things that are common with OCD are what you thought was so unique and were embarresed to tell anyone else.

Yeah not sure what he means either. Sopist never claimed to be a doctor and was
just quoting her observations. That does not make her a quack. She is usually 99%
right on what she post. Though in my case I say I'm about the same since I self-dx
about 6 months ago. If anything I'm better because when social conflicts arise I can see how it really is me most of the time. So things that would really upset me just 6 months ago in about 60 seconds I'm over it now. Where before I would want and often run and hide.

I wasn't trying to be anything.
I do tend to be blunt & honest. Not meant as insulting.

I never wrote that anyone was a quack. Just giving my opinion about a post.

I think he means the quackery defined = (medical practice and advice based on observation and experience in ignorance of scientific findings)


Think defining the meaning your using is going to have to be mandatory round here, or even so look up the word and best think which definition the person is using lmao and it is his "Point of view" for an opionion


As the other meaning is (Quackery is the practice of fraudulent medicine, usually in order to make money or for ego gratification and power. Those who practise quackery are called "quacks" and are in the business of selling false hope to ill-informed people who may be genuinely suffering. Most would consider such a practice highly unethical. )

And using 99% its an insurance scam scam , so if anyone does not agree they the 1%. and I do mean ( define: scam ) bottom one in google, A confidence trick ) and I am been sarcastic...