What causes you to lose friends over time?

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They offend me in some way, whether they realize it or not, so I delete the friendship from my thoughts and move on.

I don't know with me. I'm not that bad at maintaining friendships, but I just think that I lack something in the way I behave and interact, not enough to be significantly noticed and pointed out, but it's just there in my personality which is hard for anybody (even me) to put their finger on. It is too subtle to pinpoint and try and work on because it is just something minor in my personality that is too odd to be part of the expected social norm, even to be displayed under the fact that everybody's different. I think it's that I'm not too knowledgeable on things what most people are knowledgeable on, like with current events. I often hear of things but I forget straight away, and my memory doesn't seem to want to memorize names of celebrities and little facts about them, like what most people seem to just know. Not just that, but other minor things like that what seem to make friendships not work that well, maybe I'm just too boring, I don't know. I also wonder if it's because sometimes I'm not always on other people's wavelength, although I try so hard to be and I'm not that bad with relating to people and connecting with their opinions and emotions, etc.

But I don't fall out, as in have arguments. Friends just come and go. Like I became friends with a young couple at my voluntary job, and we met up a few times, but then they moved away and they don't really talk to me online any more. It's just an ''out of sight out of mind'' thing, and it's been so long now that I don't see much point in suddenly springing up a message to them now. I'm not the sort to hold grudges against anyone either.

I just don't think to talk to them. "Catching up" isn't a natural thing for me, so I tend to just forget. I don't deliberately ignore people, though.

Sometimes 2)...though this was more true in the past. I'm also much more selective about who I want to meet and be friends with now, so I have much less of a chance that I will meet people who are ignorant and aren't accepting of my differences.

A few years ago, I had some very inappropriate interests and often talked about/forced them upon others who diedn't want to share them. It has only been recently when I realized what a huge problem this actually was and how it may ahve affected other people...looks like my theory of mind isn't so sharp after all. In retrospect, I am very surprised that no one talked to me directly about it: the people who didn't understand obviously aren't in my life anymore, but people seemed to expect me to know how wrong it was...when I didn't, and I was just really fixated taht I couldn'st stop myself.

Today, and this has been a lifelong issue for me...I tend to lose friends because when they're apart from me, I don't contact them enough to catch up. Alternatively, I meet people that I'm interested in being friends with (through friends, groups etc.) but get far too shy to take interest in them and worry that I'll freak them out...I am VERY afraid of rejection. I truly like to be alone most of the time, either busy at work or pursuing my own interests, and it's only been recently that I've realized that sometimes I have to take the initiative and contact THEM. I already do this naturally with people I'm really close with (i.e. my boyfriend) but when I'm less close to someone, I become insecure and worry endlessly about how they really see me. Once I end up contacting these people though: they are usually really excited to talk to me and want to catch up/hang out...but I still worry anyway.

Half the time I inadvertently offend them and end up having no idea why.

The other half of the time I decide I don't really like them that much and just avoid them.

i still dont know for sure :/

Neglect is one. I don't tend to call or e-mail unless there is a purpose. And if I wait too long then I know it is socially awkward and feel less inclined to get in touch.

Social media helps give the illusion of staying in touch, but I've been experiencing some harassment there, so it is no longer an option.

Conversational style is another. I tend to not use emotional language, and be super-rational. Or my odd sense of humor strikes people as wrong.

My need for solitude is another. I get pressured to be more social than I can handle. I recently had a friend get angry with me for not camping with them. I'd prefer to camp on my own and visit them, and they thought I was being selfish and rude.

But mostly their not taking my autism seriously. I can pass most of the time, or just come off as charmingly quirky, so that when I do need to set boundaries they think I'm just being snotty and selfish. I'm beginning to realize I need better friends.

When we grow apart, usually due to a lack of common interests/reasons to talk to each other.

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1) Not being able to field or handle multiple friendships - more than 1 or 2 key ones - in anything approaching a quality manner at the same time. (And ending up 'dropping the ball' quite badly if I attempt to do so...which is never an enjoyable state of being for me anyway...but at times in the past, I have attempted it.)

2) Not liking to go out and "be social" - or to do the types of activities that most people (NT types, I guess) seem to like to do for enjoyment, and generally politely (but chronically) declining invitations to such activities. (Parties, lunches or dinners out, bars, shopping..)

3) Getting worn out easily by too much "people time" and genuinely craving my "hermit time" to just enjoy my interests in peace.

4) Having a fairly low appetite for social interaction with most people at most times.

5) Not being very good with keeping up with people who are only "acquaintance-friends" - in other words, not my 1 or 2 best and deepest friends at any given time - particularly if these acquaintance-friends move away, or stop working or going to school at or (near) where I do. So, basically, the "out of sight, out of mind" sort of factor. ...Though, don't know if it's so much out of sight, out of mind as it is "further out of reach, and it takes much more effort - and we just don't have a deep enough connection for me to maintain the effort with you." (Which hearkens back to #1.)


I badly wish that #5 weren't true, as it makes me feel awful...and I've fallen out of touch with many people that I didn't ever want to hurt, and liked quite well, that way. That, plus the awkwardness that develops when it's been some time since I've last contacted them, and then the awkwardness alone dissuades me from attempting to contact them again. I'm afraid that they'll judge me, or be angry with me, or that it'll just be...awkward...when I do. (You could almost call this phenomenon #6.)

Black and white friendships. You are either a friend or not. Therefore if I feel offended by a remark that's not meant to be hurtful, I will cutoff my ties with that person.

Also, I see friendship as more of an obligation and requirement. There are too many rules and norms one has to conform and it's not worth the effort for me. Its exhausting

Being female...I find girls need all of these compliments and reassurance or else they think I'm against them. I say nice things, but I find it exhausting to analyze everything I say before and after I say it. I also need a lot of time to myself and can not constantly socialize. This leads to time for "friends" to talk about me when I'm not there and bond over how they hav now decided they don't like me. I also find it extremely difficult to keep up with people after one of us moves away. A lot of time I realize she really wasn't my friend once there is geographical distance. Another example is when she is mean or over reacts and I hav to apologize to keep the friendship going. I can't always do that if she is REALLY in the wrong.

I also hav a habit of changing clothes and hobbies in ways that seem drastic to others. So they now think they don't know me and it makes them uncomfortable. But sometimes I just get terribly bored or burned out from certain things, and I need the change(s).

What else causes me to lose friends over time?

Being right.

I was right about the real reasons Mr. Bush started the war in Iraq. I was right about Mr. Obama getting elected both times; I was right about the G.O.P.s disconnection from the voting public; I was right about America's Big Auto needing to wake up and sell good-quality cars that people actually want; and I was right about why churches are losing members. This has caused me to lose a lot of wealthy, white, conservative men as friends simply because they can't handle the truth.

Yet somehow, life is better without them.

Neglect, and simply not having the confidence or inclination to initiate contact.

Facebook and other social media does not help me. I find it hard to understand why anyone would want to care about what I might "like".

I've lost at least 2 friends after I annoyed them somehow. I think I know what I did wrong with one, the other I've not a clue (was a long time ago).

Nearly lost a really valuable friendship over Christmas due to a mid conversation anger attack. Gladly with the help of family I managed to resolve that, and use it as the catalyst to seek help from my GP, which resulted in him suggesting a referral to a Asperger/Autism specialist.

Yes, yes, yes. I was going to quote one person and then I read on and wanted to quote another and another. Not maintaining friendships is one but it is more subtle than that. I am boring, not worth keeping in touch with and I rarely make it further than superficial level acquaintances. I have no interest in going out and getting drunk. I hate the 'celebrity' culture. I talk too much about my own far more important interests, etc. etc.

Different things I guess. Most people have 'dumped' me because I appearantly said something offensive. Today, someone I met on the internet deleted me off of his facebook account. He is an aspie too, and took a joke I made very seriously and then when I didn't actually pursue what I said and said it was a joke he called me a liar. Well...fine.

I have had many friends offend me and I still try and find the empathy, and understand them and talk it over and forgive. I guess it kind of hurts me but at the same time I have to learn to be more confident and love myself and TEACH myself that it's not always me, but it can also be them.