Is it only me that feels Aspeger is a curse

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I also feel my symptoms are a curse... I can't imagine what cruel fate bestowed on me sometimes... that I soooo desire connection, friendships, respect, love, etc. and fail so miserably at it. I wish I was the Aspie flavor that could give a rat's ass about others. Happily doing my interests, fully supported by the gov't or parents, or homeless, doesn't matter-- just oblivion would be nice.

Then I get to thinking, when I have connected, or loved, someone and have actually earned respect, controlled my emotions, entertained a relative, cooked a family dinner for 10+ people and then ate with them.... and on and on, there are those little things that add up after a while. Yeah the negative can add up too; but somehow... it doesn't matter. None of it does. So, where does that leave us? It's just a matter of perspective (yet again).

I feel like it's the biggest curse ever to me. Most people on WP seem to have learnt to accept it, and they just think ''it is part of who I am'' and so on, but I don't look at it like that. I think there are too many NTs around me, doing all these different things with their lives and going places and having more opportunity to go to places because they are accepted by more people and get invited out to different places. But me, I've just got to scrape for friendships, and stick with anybody who happens to like me and put up with me.

I don't display obvious Aspie symptoms, but I display enough oddities to make me not appear completely NT to other people. I am lucky in a way, because I can say I've got anything and it could make sense to them because my symptoms are mild enough to just be classified as a mild condition of any sort. I find AS too shameful to come right out and say to other people, so I can get away with saying I've got something else like ADHD or even just learning difficulties, being so I am not gifted at all, or anywhere near. In fact I always find myself doing stupid things.

People on the spectrum say ''why do you want to be NT and be mundane and boring?'' or, ''you know, NTs have problems too, and just because they have social skills doesn't mean they are all happy'', and I know that. But it's more about being in the majority and being socially accepted. I feel I am not always on other people's wavelength, which is very upsetting. I can relate to other people's emotions and feel empathy, etc, and there's lots of other social things I don't have a problem with what other Aspies do, but there's just something about the way I am that makes me just seem that much odd. I don't know if it's the unconfident tone in my voice, or an anxious, stiff look in my body language, or what it is, but it is something. And I don't like it.

this is bascially asperger it self

ive never thought about it really. ive always been quite happy with the way i am. its the people who bully me who are the curse on me.

dosent all asperger feel kinda trapped in their own world?


can someone explain to me what depression is in depth?

I do feel that I am cursed, but it's not my Asperger's alone. I have tons of comorbids, severe sensory issues, a bad home situation, and it seems like it's just one thing after another making my life hell.

None of my comorbids are curable, all are treatment resistant or I can't take the treatments for other reasons. It's hard not to feel screwed.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can understand that and admit that it's unlikely to get much better and those who can't understand and call the other people "depressed" or "cynical". Like it or not there ARE hopeless cases. Who knows? I may not be one. But right now, there is no help for me.

I would follow callista's post, I will add this also.

My light and sound sensitveties that from time to time create headaches and stop my brain from working for sure feel like a curse. In reallity most of the issues I face in daily life are created by socities reaction to asperger and not asperger itself.

Heres a little story, as disadvantaged as I am it could be so much worse, recently I helped a disprate friend in his 50's who had a stroke and is now parlyised on one side, he has similer intrests and passions as I do and he wanted/required me to take him to the auto wreakers to get a part, all he could do was stand at the bottom of the yard and point to the truck with the seat he wanted. The job should have taken 5-10 minutes, being a rather dyspraxic aspie struggleing with rusted bolts in a cramped space it took me like 20+ minutes. The folks running the place and my friend got a little worried about me I think though becouse I just appeared to disappear, made worse becouse I was already anxious from the drive in, overstimulated in the office and in the yard making their requests hard to understand, the employees appeared to see that in me however were cool about it. I got the job finished by myself though thanks to the fact that I had fully prepared for the job at home, brought extra tools I thought I personally would require so all went well.

Still I could not help think how lucky I am to simply be autistic+comorbids and while is challangeing is it can be, in my own way I still can do and persue enjoy the things I love where is my friend can't and likely never will again. I suppose being cursed is a matter of perspective, asperger is a disabillity for sure however at least it gives some good traits where is paralyisis and meny other physical/mentel illness gives you nothing but greaf. I know kids who died of cancer, are now blind, dead run over by cars, died playing tag etc. all people I know from school, i'll take asperger over any of that any day.

I suppose I posted this little story to show 3 things, 1-My life has value to other NT people, 2 I can do things in life dispite having to manage asperger, 3-while you and I may not be living the ideal life our friends may have fallen into it can be far worse so be thankful for something, work what you have to its full extent.

Last edited by rapidroy on 26 Mar 2013, 12:00 am, edited 2 times in total.

No... I don't. Sometimes, honestly, I'm too aware, too sensitive to everything around me. Everything is in bright detail, sharp edges and corners and sudden changes. I don't feel trapped in "my own world" at all; my world is the same world everyone else sees. People are part of that world, and yeah, their signals get lost in the flood of detail. But if anybody perceives me as being "in my own world", it's them, not me--they see me as trapped or closed in because I can't communicate as well as they can; and so they think that I am not as aware as they are and not as much present in the world as they are. Strangely enough, it's the opposite. The average person's brain filters out "nonessential" detail long before it reaches consciousness, so that what they see seems to be more of a summary of the world around them than a direct representation. It's a handy trick and it's good that they can do it, but it does mean that they are, technically, less aware than someone with autism or sensory processing disorder, who does much less summarizing and is much more aware of detail. I don't think either way of thinking is superior to the other--the NT way is quick and allows them to do a lot of things at once; but autistics don't miss the details. I think a world with both ways of thinking is better off than with only one, because we need both types of people--detail oriented people as well as the summarizing multi-taskers.

In terms of my social awareness, people are interesting to me--but so are minerals, stars, animals, and numbers. I don't really see my relating to people as qualitatively different than how I relate to other things, with the exception that it is much more complex because human beings (and to some extent other animals) have consciousness of their own and are thus much more unpredictable. When I have trouble communicating, I feel frustrated, but I don't feel trapped. I also feel frustrated, but not trapped, when I can't figure out a new type of math problem. Frustration is part of life, and relating to people is a difficult problem I'll probably never be particularly good at. Still, however annoying it is when I make mistakes, I don't see why I should take it too personally--certainly not personally enough to think I'm worth any less than somebody who can figure out those things easily.

Depression is a mental illness. People with depression aren't just a little sad; it's something that lasts for weeks and months, and it's more than just sadness. If you're depressed, your thinking might be slowed, like you're trying to wade through molasses; or you might be going around in quick, anxious, purposeless mental circles. You might find it hard to plan things, and you lose interest in things you usually love. You might have a harder time taking care of yourself--things like taking showers, eating healthy food, or even getting out of bed seem to be too difficult. Your mind instinctively puts the worst possible spin on everything that you think about--if somebody doesn't return a call, they must hate you; if you do badly on a test, it must be because you're stupid and you're going to fail at school. You may feel weak and tired all the time, sleep too much, and move slowly; or you might have insomnia. Some people with depression will become irritable and angry with little provocation; others will try to cope by drinking. Many will lose weight or gain weight without trying to. Mentally, many people feel sad or just tired and unmotivated, and many people with depression (but not everyone) become preoccupied with thoughts of death or suicide. Anxiety is commonly found along with depression. Depression is usually episodic--it comes and goes, even resolving itself after a few months. Episodes of depression can be shortened by taking medication or learning how to monitor and edit your own thoughts, to combat the unrealistically negative spin that depression puts on everything--ideally, you would do both at once. If you've had multiple untreated episodes of depression, it's probably a life-long problem; but as time goes on, you learn to deal with it, know yourself, detect an episode before it gets bad, and deal with it without losing weeks or months out of your life to it. Depression is extremely common, the most common mental illness, and can be anywhere from mild and subtle to obvious and severe. Most people with recurrent depression have their first episode in their teen years; teenagers seem to be especially vulnerable to it because of their increased life stress, developmental demands for increased independence, and the hormonal instability, quick growth, and physical changes that come with puberty.

I feel that there's an NT inside me, wanting to get out, but the AS is stopping it. This is where I find it difficult to say ''AS is who I am'' because it's not. It makes me a person I don't want to be, and it is holding me back from doing all the things I would love to do.

I want to work in retail, behind a customer services desk, constantly interacting with customers all day long, and getting on well with my co-workers (well, NTs aren't liked by everyone but I don't want to be thought of as ''the weird/quiet/dimwitted one''.) But I can't do this because of this horrible AS s**t holding me back. I'm no good with interacting with people I don't know very well. I'm even bad with interacting with the residents at the old people's home (where I work now), as a cleaner, so God knows how I would get on working in a position where I have responsibility of the public and having to interact with them all day long.

I know a lot of people say ''if you really wanted to do all these things that bad, you would do it regardless'', but that is not true. It's a bit like being a person born with no arms but really wanting to do employment where having arms is vital, and getting upset because they can see how they are missing out on doing so much. So they're just stuck in a job they didn't really want, something they could just about do without needing arms, only sometimes running into difficulty because of their lack of arms, and feeling miserable because of knowing that if they had arms, there would be so much more opportunity out there what they could fulfill their life with.
That's exactly the same with me. I have crappy social skills (yes I have worked a lot on them but they're still not as good as I need them to me), and I really want to do employment where social skills is vital, and I get upset because I can see how much I am missing out on doing so much. So I'm just stuck in a job I don't really want, somewhere I could just about do without needing much good social skills, only sometimes running into difficulty because of my lack of social skills, and feeling fed up because of knowing that if I had better social skills, there would be so much more opportunity out there what I could fulfill my life with.

The way I see it, I think that AS or Autism is all right to have if you have above average intelligence, and not so much self-awareness, and more in your own world, not sensitive to what other people think of you, are able to focus on your special interests alone, and are happy with having no friends.
But when you've got a natural desire to fit in and have friends, and are not too clever in anything in particular, and have so much self-awareness built in to you, and you don't ''live'' in your own world, and you're too sensitive of other people's thoughts and opinions about you and you're so afraid of a social faux pas, and you have special interests that you can't focus on on your own (mine just invite stress and trouble every time), and you're unhappy with being alone, and are overwhelmed with isolation and seeing everyone else around you doing this and that with friends, then AS is a CURSE.

I know what you mean. I feel like why me all the time. I never did anything to deserve it. I really do think my father disliked me when I was younger and I used to think like its ok to be different and not fit in. My mom accepted me and defended me but my father didn't like it. I remember him starting to ignore me and refusing to take me places and telling me go away. I remember one time after I got him very angry and he was ignoring me I kept asking what was wrong and he said "YOU ARE". I realized he was right so I starting copying everything he did and I got respect from everyone. That is why I have no real me and I dont want to have one. The other problem is how people with AS think its like some sort of special bond. I dont friend people who have AS only for that reason. There are people who I didn't know had it who are already friends and that is fine because they dont let their condition run their lives. Also all the terms and slangs suggestions. We aspies as in We aspies need to stick together. Last time I checked my last name wasn't Aspie. I honestly dont care what is wrong with certain people nor do I care what people have. I already have plenty of friends and activities. Like I said if I was friends with one I would but I dont friend people just for a condition.

See for me that's the kicker - even if I can come to terms with my own situation it's pretty cold to bring a child into this world who will have to deal with the same thing

To say nothing of the fact that caring for another person is just an incredible burden.

My philosophy is: let the NT breeders do the breeding, there's a lot more of them than us anyway.

I have a friend who's a C5 quadriplegic. He broke his neck at the age of 17 in a trampoline accident. He can barely move his arms and that's all he can move. He can barely breath. He's been trapped in that chair for 38 years.

Yeah, I get down in the dumps over my autism and say "why me?" sometimes. Who wouldn't? But I sure as hell wouldn't want to trade places with Tim. So in that regard I'm mighty thankful. Things could be worse. Much worse.

I've had that. Not much fun Very, very, very freaky and unbelievably frighting. And yet, maybe because I'm sleepy, I can kind of look back at it and laugh a little. Slapping myself in the face as hard as I could and stabbing my hand with a fork trying to snap myself out of it "I'm real, I'm real!! !".

its called a frontal lobotomy...

I don't see why having a spinal injury would make life worse than being NT and able-bodied, or worse than being able-bodied and autistic. I know people who have that level of mobility impairment, and they seem as happy as the NT able-bodied people I know. More than once I've heard them say things like, "I don't want or need a cure," or, "My disability is part of who I am." There are unhappy non-disabled people, and there are unhappy disabled people, and I can't see any tendencies either way.

When a person first acquires a disability, they do take some time to adjust, and they go through grief because they have lost abilities they used to have. So I don't envy the people who get spinal cord injuries, in those first few weeks and months--I was born with my disability and I never had to try to deal with not being able to do things I used to be able to do. Once things settle down, though, people with acquired disabilities report the same level of satisfaction with their lives as people without disabilities or people who were born with theirs.

So if a person describes themselves as "unhappy", and they have a disability... I can't really conclude that they must be unhappy because of their disability. Statistically, that disability doesn't raise a person's risk of being unhappy. Perhaps they would describe themselves as unhappy even if they didn't have the disability; the numbers do suggest that.

My conclusion then is that if we want to help disabled people who are unhappy, we would not do much by to cure their disabilities. It would be more effective to study unhappiness itself, find its causes, and look for solutions. I think it probably has something to do with how you deal with the stress in your life; someone who described themselves as "unhappy" because of a disability might, in a parallel universe without the disability, describe themselves as "unhappy" because of a stressful job or a rocky marriage. So the solution may be to help people cope with the problems in their lives in ways that don't affect their outlook.

Very well written. I can feel that way too.

But at the same time, if you were not autistic anymore, it would really not be possible to recognize yourself. It would be a fundamental change to your person. In that way it's difficult for me to not include the autistic side as a part of "who I am". But I feel it is tempting to "throw away" the autistic side at times, and release the "real me". It's been kept back for so long.

It's such a weird condition having Aspergers; being half autistic, half not.