My mind the void

Post Reply New Topic

It bothers me that I bother others is what it comes down to really. I spent many many years being completely unaware of it, or why I would annoy the heck out of people sometimes. It's been a slow acceptance after years of feeling like a failure or lazy. People would always tell me I had it too easy, and never learned to apply myself. When I feel this way, I try to reframe it. What really matters in life to me?




I don't see them as connected other than my brain glitches. I just phrased it badly there. Sometimes I remember, sometimes not.


Now this is a tough area here. I came up with schizotypal with self testing (more books than online because dial-up was extremely slow back then I knew something was obviously wrong with me, because I had spent a good six months going in and out of the hospital. I had a battery of tests(many written) while I was in there, but no one ever said guess what? I never asked, but it really never occurred to me to until much later.(a decade)
As for describing it, it's really hard for me to get my head around now. As far as I can recall, it started with a complete crashing of what little religious belief I had. I started questioning what had been always presented to me as concrete, and feeling like a horrible person for doing so because of course you're not supposed to. The other part of it was pretty much just having imaginary friends, but they felt real at the time and much more entertaining than reality. I felt like if someone would look at me, they could see into every dark recess and crevice of my brain so I felt constantly exposed. I thought everyone knew every thought that entered my head. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, and hated me. I resisted the endless march of therapy because they were asking questions that were none of their business, and I resented the fact that all their feedback was going to my parents instead of myself. I ended up with an art therapist.

Well, I'll stop there since I wrote a book. It's still very choppy for me to think back to.

I know what you mean about it bothering you because it bothers others. Even when people don't say anything about it it's sort of like this unspoken feeling. I can just tell that my lack of talking makes them uncomfortable. Seems we live in a world full of noise and it's everyones part to make a contribution to that noise. Doesn't matter so much the content more just that you have made some. In day to day conversations at least. But when i force myself to say something it shows and I feel even worse because I judge everything I say to an extreme degree.

And to clarify what this is is it mostly you just don't talk much? Is that what would annoy people? When you say people told you you never learned to apply yourself in what way would they mean? Like not doing well in school or the relationship arena?

I can relate to the feeling as if everyone can see into me and the feeling constantly exposed. The paranoia aspect. Though i've never had imaginary friends.

I like how you reframed it to asking yourself what really matters in life. I do that as well sort of puts things in perspective. Even though I seem to be lacking in some areas there are still a great many aspects of my life that I can appreciate and enjoy. Just because I have faults doesn't mean i should give up on everything.

Another question I would like to ask is do you have any close friends or people you can sort of "let loose" and have a free flow of dialogue and just have a good time? Can you have deeper conversations with people and "bond" with them. For me I can to a certain extent some days better than others though not in the same way that I used too. And even so if I do manage an enjoyable social encounter I always find ways to discount it and pick it apart. Even in the midst of it.

Lastly may I ask what you do for a living?

Sorry for all the questions it's not every day I find someone similar to myself.

Thanks

I don't have any urge to talk to most people. I'm understanding the importance of small talk and utilizing it a little more appropriately(maybe ), but it still irritates the heck out of me. It feels like repetitious, meaningless dribble. As for applying myself, I've always heard it scholastically because I always tested well. I never thought about it in a relationship sense. In romantic relationships and also with friendships, they were people who weren't into "sharing" too much.

Perfection doesn't exist.

I don't have close friends. I don't even know if I'm capable of having a truly close relationship. I don't know if it's autism related, or just me. When I feel the possibility for it with someone, I freeze. Serious panic attacks. I have managed to fight through it a few times, but I can't get it to go away. Sometimes I'll get upset to the point of complete meltdown before I can speak up about something. The last time I saw a therapist, I could never seem to verbalize my problems so they understood, and I have a hard time putting my finger on what's bothering me sometimes.
People also seem to need to figure me out or decipher me, so I wonder how I appear to others. I get so many quizzical looks, and I seem to come across as either arrogant or dim.
I've never heard of alogia, but wouldn't that be a symptom that falls under a larger umbrella(such as ASD?) I like the definition, because I am forever grasping for words. How did you rid yourself of social phobia? When you pick apart what you're saying, what about it are you critical with?


I work part time in a deli for now. Just thinking about makes my stomach knot up. It pays pretty well and there aren't too many jobs in the area, so I have been trying to look at what about it has been so distressing. Some of it is job related, but I think 80% is dealing with other people. I've been trying to find more effective ways of dealing with working as a "team", because that's anywhere anymore. With less turnover, I have gotten to know some coworkers a little better, and they do give me some leeway. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
I don't mind thoughtful questions at all. I'm not very good at reciprocal conversations sometimes, but online I can think and gather up those words which is a luxury really.

I also don't have the urge to talk to most people. But it's hard to say whether that's because i really don't have the urge, have nothing to say or am afraid. Well a lot of times I have nothing to say and a lot of times I am afraid plus have nothing to say plus feel pressured to say stuff. So it's a combination of things with fear i believe being to root and most common reason.

I also relate very much to how when you feel the possibility of relationship you freeze. I wouldn't call it a panic attack that i have but more a generalized feeling of fear, dread despair and hopelessness at the situation. I think that is a large reason why it is hard for me. Just the anticipation can kill me. Like driving to a friends house which by the way has become increasingly rare. I can be emotionally exhausted by the time I get there. Also the verbalizing to a therapist never quite making them understand and having a hard time putting my finger on whats bothering me. Like a lot of times I seem to know but to even begin trying to explain it seems near impossible. Nothing I say really does how I feel justice i suppose.

How did I rid myself of social phobia?
Well i haven't I think I may said that it wasn't social phobia as much as alogia or something like that. But no I definitely still have social phobia. What I meant before is it has morphed into something more than just plain social phobia.

What do I pick apart?
Well pretty much anything and everything. Mainly I'm concerned with how my voice is so apathetic or I'm too quiet boring and feeling like an idiot is a big thing I struggle with. Like focusing on something I said earlier that day and just ruminating over how stupid i feel i sounded. Or how awkward and weird people think I am. There is most always a crescendo period after i get home and smoke some weed. Everything that day that bothered me even a little bit sort of rushes over and overwhelmes me. Though I realize that in the morning I won't feel near as bad.

Yeah I don't believe alogia is a symptom of aspergers. Maybe one for for ASD I'm not sure. I just found it and thought it was the closest thing to what i experience. I have not been diagnosed in the autistic spectrum but always considered it a possibility.

I asked you what you did really just out of curiosity. As i struggle with the social aspect of my job a lot. Good to hear your making progress there and getting to know your co workers somewhat. I'm doing somewhat better as well Ive kind of given up on trying to make people think I'm normal whatever that means.

I really wish I could get that quote thing to work.

I know what you mean about emotional exhaustion. My husband doesn't mind going out to visit his family without me sometimes, so that eases some of the obligatory dread there. It's hard when I know someone is looking for that invitation from me, and I don't realize it or get terrified at spending one on one time with them. All through school, there was a girl that hooked on to me as her best friend, and looking back she was really my link to other people. That was an insulator for me. I'm not sure even now why she did, and we parted ways for the most part after graduation.
You seem very concerned about what image you project to others. I think I have a more apathetic approach to people, so I relax that more and more. I don't know if it's actually wise when I'm feeling stressed or irritated, but it's authentic. As for feeling like an idiot, your posts are clear, intelligent and very self aware so that's obviously invalid. (Busted in Mythbuster terms ) I think it's excellent that you're not trying to "be normal". It's been a recent development for me after meeting someone so solid and comfortable in his own skin. It made me realise how much I wasn't, and how there was no reason not to be.
I hope the struggles ease up for you in your job. Mine may not due to extreme hardheadedness, but live and learn...

I apologize for the delayed response. I have just kind of been in freak out mode with withdrawals from the poppy tea and and other unrelated factors.

You are correct i'm overly concerned with how I appear to others. To the point of obssession alot of times. Really not an enjoyable way to live life. It has been refreshing talking to someone like yourself. It has given me permission I guess you could say to be more authentic. Authenticity has to count for something right? If people don't respect that than it is there problem.

Thats about it thanks again and I wish you all the best

Charles

You also. Sometimes it helps to get some outside support, or someone who can provide a different perspective on things. Authenticity is a huge merit, and I think everyone should respect anyone offering that honesty. I'd stay off the poppies if I were you...

A bit of a related note popped in my head, so I'll put it down here. I was in and out of the hospital over a period of about six months or so I'd guess. To pull myself out of my head, it's almost like I had to dial off a part of my brain almost completely. Before this time, I was very active in creative writing, art history, and sketching but afterwards it all went very much out the window. Completely lost interest in any of my former pursuits except for a rare occasion, and I shut off just about all creative outlets. I find myself slowly inching back into those waters, and there's a lot of anxiety because there's a connection between the two. Not that I'm going to have another breakdown, but that venturing there does remind me of that time. It feels similar in my head, if that makes sense. I've never seen any diagnosis personally, and it's never been mentioned except for one time when I finally blurted out "What the h#ll"s wrong with me?" Answer: "Autism", and that was that. I never saw a point in looking over any past documents, but now I'm feeling that maybe I should.

Thats actually very interesting. I to had somewhat of a similar experience. Maybe not the same symptom but this idea of lost creativity. Before the whole manic epiode that I had I wrote poetry and was just more creative in general. Than during I had a bursting of ideas and creativity. This sounds different than what you experienced.

Did you shut off the outlets or were they shut off for you? Like could you access them if you wanted to but you just have no interest anymore?

It's like I clicked that side off, not amputated but almost. I still enjoyed taking it in, but the desire to produce anything original was closed off. Think of an extremely long writer's block, there was just the void. The only times I could push through it was in times of complete distress because there wasn't any other avenue.
Looking back, it did lead to gains in other areas. I became much more analytical, and developed (some) critical thinking skill. I went from the extreme left to extreme right, and have been trying to find the center ever since.

Hmm mine seems to have just disappeared. Which is why i'm sticking to the brain damage theory. From the manic episode plus all the drugs I have taken. How do you know you still have it? In it's totality anyway.

Though talking to you even though there are many differences has somewhat helped. Maybe one day it will just come back. Wishful thinking probably. Though i've gained a lot of something. Just what that something is is hard to say. Like my ego has been amputated. Where others seek to shine and take advantage to look good and impress others i have somewhat lost the interest. Seems somewhat silly to me now and when I see others do this it exposes something in them. Like a weakness I suppose. I see where others would get angry and resentful and while I still do a lot it's well, getting better I guess.

You say you lost all religion. That is what has kept me going. Not a God really. Not a God at all. More of a supreme justice. Like karma maybe. Like what i'm doing now whatever it is has some sort of validity. Some sort of meaning. It's not like I chose to be this way. And while I see others that have it much better. Whatever "it" is. Its all relative. And I might as well do the best I can while I can with what I have. Not a God at all i can't see a God a good one anyway creating someone as miserable as me or as I was anyway. Like I said its getting better

The thing that really gets me is when I see people feeling better about themselves because i'm not social or as smart as they think they are. Part of me sympathizes with people that kill other people because of the perceived wrongs that they suffered. Though I am not a violent person and killing people doesn't seem an option as jesus said they know not what they do or something. Anyway killing them is almost like they have won. They are the ones valued in peoples memory. I just really don't let resentment like that fester.

Sorry if this talk of killing people has disturbed you i'm really not like that. Also this was sort of off topic but it was on my mind.

Thanks

Also you said you have a horrible memory. In what ways does it manifest?

I see two issues here.
The self-medicating with drugs & alcohol is obvious.
Almost erqually obvious is an underlying depression.
I had the same kind of issues (minus the alcohol, it took me longer to start to drink and that was to help me socially) when I was a senior in High School. That certainly elegantly describes how a deep, undelying depression feels. I suspect you have been trying to numb yourself to the pain.
Good news here is that if you can get off the substance abuse pattern, the biological problems associated with it will actually clear up more than you think possible. But as you are aware, the longer this goes on, the more damage will be done. And frankly alcohol is one of the more destructive drugs when its heavily abused.

Sincerely,
Matthew
'

I understand, but honestly I've probably had it a little easier being female. People are constantly making incorrect assumptions, and they aren't going to be in favor of anyone with AS. Who wouldn't feel angry? It does suck. My memory issues in my own instance work against me as well. I blank out. I have phone numbers, passwords, and other important written down and carried with me just in case. I forget birthdays. I forget names. I'm the one going "You know, that guy...the one with the thing..." A lot of it is textbook executive dysfunction, but I have trouble retaining things. If I remember a book passage, it's because I've reread it many times. My short term memory is very good. I can memorize temporarily very well, but then it's gone.

I relate completely to finding the zone. On a rare occasion usually with the right combo of drugs sometimes not though very rare I can reach sort of a good place. Where I can converse and actually have things to say. This zone has become so rare that I doubt it even exists anymore. That is one reason it takes me so long to respond.Trying to get to a place where I feel good about what I am about to say. I believe other people have this to some extent especially in socializing. Where one is required to throw on a mask. Whenever i reach for that mask it is nowhere to be found anymore.

What I meant earlier with the killing people thing wasn't so much directed at a particular person. It was more so just a resentment at the human race in general. Like wanting someone else to feel my pain. We breed a competitive approach to just about everything we do. The game requires a lot of luck with genetics in my opinion. And when people feel they have bested someone(this attitude is everywhere even among supposedly loving relationships In my experience anyway.) They have really no reason to feel better than others because well they got lucky. Not to say working on a strength you posses to make yourself better doesn't help but that can only take you so far. Everyone is guilty I no less than others. And sadly it would still be the same way for me if I all of a sudden regained whatever it is exactly that I have lost. No one really just loves you for you. I'm still not describing this deep and complex feeling I have to my satisfaction so give me a break here.

The gel on the hair thing. I agree being presentable is important. The thing that angers me is when others use another's weakness to gain something. I see this all the time. Again even among supposed friends and family. It's very hard for me to see any believable love in this world. All I see are selfish people with selfish motives acting selfishly. To me we are all just pieces of s**t. Some are prettier pieces of s**t though still pieces of s**t none the less. Pieces of s**t with idealized visions of reality of how things should be. Idealized in the sense that there are truly good people that truly do care that love you for you whoever that you is. That there is such a thing as selfless action. That people don't do good only because if they didn't they would be judged. Money money money success forget everyone else. Everyone does their best to hide these motives from the rest.

It is very possible that i am just a paranoid bitter ass hole. I just wish I could be more loving and less self centered. Stop worrying about myself for a while and breath. This selfish attitude has caused me nothing but pain.

Matt62 Yes I agree though I was sober for 11 months with hardly any improvement. So while I need to get sober and deal with this depression i'm really at a loss as to how to deal with the depression. Nothing seems to work. It was almost worse sober than now in some aspects. I feel about the same using as I am sober. I know using only causes further damage but that just isn't a good enough reason not to use when there is no guarantee that I will feel better.

No need to respond to each bit of this. Just needed to get it out I suppose. Thank you for your time.

Another thing that bothers me to no end is when people are nice to me. But not nice in a genuine way. Like I think most people are nice when they want something or see you as someone worth being nice to. Hate it when people call me buddy. Like a pseudo niceness which they pride themselves on. Like they are such good people for helping me because I am such a hopeless case. Again I realize I could just be paranoid and this could all be in my head. Please tell me if you think so.