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New to this - wondering about emotional/relational capacity

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foxfield
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27 May 2013, 4:39 am

Quote:
Thanks, Foxfield! That's very helpful, and certainly helps me understand. I really appreciate it


No problem!

Quote:
These things break my heart because I don't understand how you can love someone and also behave like that.


I'll try and explain this behaviour from my point of view. Again, disclaimer: I can't claim to speak for your bf of course because I don't know him.

So these 4 things you mention:

Quote:
- Not showing any compassion or gentleness when he makes me suffer;
- Never being moved by love/compassion to budge beyond the rigid boundaries of his own comfort zone.
- Judging harshly and even vilifying me when he doesn't understand something about me; when in doubt, assuming the worst about me and my intentions.
- Uncontrolled anger and black-and-white thinking when we're in fights.


these are all things that cause feelings of threat and hurt in another human being. (I can definately understand why you are upset by these things. )

So one of my Aspergers symptoms is that the centre of my brain that deals with threat/hurt is overwhelmingly sensitive. It gives me all kinds of horrible overload when someone treats me badly.

But I also have a very interesting defence mechanism that helps me deal with this. If I know someone well enough, its like my brain decides this person is no longer a threat. It says ok I'm going to just completely switch off this overactive part when you're with this person that you trust, as they are clearly not a threat. Its like a kind of on/off switch in your brain.

So if I was in a close relationship with someone and they treated me in any of the 4 ways you describe I simply wouldn't care . And I genuinely mean that. This behaviour wouldn't bother me at all.

Most of the time I remember that the other person does care, and would make an effort to behave reasonably to them. But if I was all fired up and upset about something else, I might forget that my behaviour hurts the other person and end up treating them badly.

So what I'm saying maybe like me, your bf has and on/off switch that has been switched to off because he trusts you. Ironically, this will mean that he cares less about your behaviour than he does about other peoples, and will forget in the heat of the moment that you do care!



Dillogic
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27 May 2013, 5:56 am

Doesn't sound like AS to me.

For it to be AS, he'd need to have an interest that he devotes nearly all of his time to, and that's pretty much all he'd talk to you about. All the other symptoms that are common to AS take a backseat to these two.

Seems more like a typical male.



Ettina
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27 May 2013, 5:34 pm

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For it to be AS, he'd need to have an interest that he devotes nearly all of his time to, and that's pretty much all he'd talk to you about. All the other symptoms that are common to AS take a backseat to these two.


Obsessive interests are not required for the diagnosis.

Quote:
3. restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behaviour, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
a. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
b. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
c. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (for example, hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body
movements)
d. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects