Is learning how to pass wrong?

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Joined: 16 Feb 2013
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27 May 2013, 2:08 pm

By using yours social skills / coping mechanisms or what ever you want to call it you are being true to yourself because you are doing what you are able to do. By holding back you are doing yourself a disservice and you are certainly not being true to yourself. Just like an NT can you can push yourself too hard, only you know your limits.

What do you actually want? Do you want to consciously miss out on opportunity's to live your life the way you want because of the way a disorder used to affect you , this is really quite silly, or do you want to achieve the things in life that you are now more capable of achieving than ever before.

Think of it this way you're learning some of what the NT's know, just at a different pace and in a different style.

This is what I do:

If I am called out on my behaviour, 'you're staring at the wall again', I simply state I do that allot, people don't even tell me anymore. I now stim openly. People will draw their own conclusions.
What I don't do is refuse to brush my hair or shower because a long time ago it hurt to much, as like you I have improved.
I don't see this problem as some broader crusade to help improve awareness or tolerance for autistic behaviour. If this was the case I would expect to have to be very pushy about it or risk being patronised. Your own stance on this is of course your prerogative.

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My Personality + BAP/Aspergers + My Experiences = Me
AS: 135/200 NT: 81/200 AQ: 33 EQ: 8 ADHD-I: 25/35 BAP: BAP/Autistic MBTI: INTJ Ennagrame: 5 6 Wing
No official DX, all I know is I am not NT

Popsicle
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27 May 2013, 2:30 pm

No it isn't wrong to get along in society. Even people who are NT have to learn social behaviors. Not everything is intuitive to all people. Just the cultural norms alone, differ from place to place in the world. Nothing wrong with wanting to get along in life! Or to make others feel more at ease.

Besides once you are trusted you can educate people about AS, once you trust them as well. And that can only help both NT and AS.

Ettina
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27 May 2013, 3:46 pm

Quote:

It's a noble idea, but to be honest I don't think it's a realistic one. I doubt there would be many people who would see your 'autistic-like behaviour' and automatically become less prejudiced against Autistics in general.

Of course, it would depend on what 'autistic-like behaviour' you'd be engaging in. I do a bit of excited hand-flapping in the work-place now and then, and I never make it a secret if a high-pitched screech is ripping my eardrum apart (too much energy to hide), but my 'NT behaviour shield' is running at 100% when I'm actively speaking with someone (body language, vocal tone etc), otherwise they can become very uncomfortable, misunderstand me entirely, and it's done no one any good at all.

I've seen it happen.

It's not so much just me acting autistic, but acting autistic while at the same time openly talking about autism and explaining my quirks to people I meet.

Ettina
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27 May 2013, 3:49 pm

Quote:

(hypothetically) If your behavior frightened animals or small children would you care?
Would you try to do something friendlier?
Would you try to act in ways that would help them feel safe?

I bet you would and I bet you wouldn't feel a bit of shame about it.

Maybe you think that they're adults so if they can't handle your thing, that's their problem.
But your behavior makes NTs uncomfortable, it frightens them, and that inhibits them.
It inhibits you too, and any awesomeness that you both could reap from smooth interactions.
It's not about faking it, it's about caring about someones besides yourself.
It's about being strong and noble.

If you being gay scared people, would you fake being in love and marry someone of the opposite gender just to avoid scaring people?

It is not noble to accommodate fear that stems from prejudice. It may be necessary for survival sometimes, but don't fool yourself into thinking you're doing anyone a favor that way.

Ann2011
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27 May 2013, 3:52 pm

Ettina wrote:

Quote:

I agree, Ettina.
If our behaviour makes NTs uncomfortable that is their problem, and their prejudice to get over.

dortman1099
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27 May 2013, 4:28 pm

I will say this. The coping mechanisms are behaviors that I'm becoming comfortable with.

It is sort of like I am beginning to understand the neurotypical world, the world most people grow up with.

And by that I mean actually understanding and being comfortable with.

In the past, I have pushed myself to act normal for short periods of time, and it caused me significant stress. I had to scrutinize every behavior to see if I had said or done anything inappropriate. In the end it caused me more stress and resulted in a breakdown. I had basically overclocked myself.

This time, it is different. There are behaviors I'm comfortable with now that a few years ago I would not have been able to tolerate.

qawer
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27 May 2013, 4:38 pm

dortman1099 wrote:

I have a general question. When I was younger I was more severe than I was now. There was a lot more awkward behavior. Now I’m starting to pick up on body language and learning how to engage in small talk.

(For background information, the author is in his 20s.)

It’s great. But at the same time, it is frightening. I suspect that what I’ve learned are just advanced coping mechanisms. But there is always this lingering fear that somehow my diagnosis was wrong, that I am not really on the spectrum. It is the idea that what defines the spectrum is inability, fixed and defined, that you are somehow born different. This gets back to the generally accepted assumption that autism has a genetic basis.

Somehow by learning these coping mechanisms and being able to pass, I feel guilty. I fear that I am somehow betraying what I am supposed to be.

But at the same time, I feel that I am being loyal to what I am supposed to be doing as someone on the spectrum. I feel that I am working toward defining myself by ability instead of inability.

But then there is always there is always the lingering fear lurking back there.

My question is this. What am I doing by learning these coping mechanisms? Am I being faithful to what I should be working for, or am I betraying the core of my identity? Please help! This is really troubling.

You cannot grow any less autistic. You can learn coping skills, but that does not change the fact that your brain is wired differently.

Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder. It's not "wrong" software installed on the right hardware - Autism is "wrong" hardware. Pervasive means it's for life, your brain will always be wired differently. That doesn't necessarily mean you cannot have a great life!

And I know what you mean. It feels like you are not true to yourself when you act more socially competent. In some sense you aren't true to yourself - because you don't naturally interact the way NTs do.

But life is about survival for everyone. One needs to adjust and attain the necessary survival skills.

So if it does more good than harm to you, I suggest you do it!

I still have difficulty figuring out how far I should take the social skills. I can also feel like I'm betraying who I'm supposed to be.

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