Asking Advice: This One is a Doozy

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Good for you! I have been affiliated with various arts organizations and most of the people in arts organizations are "off" with various neuroses, but that's why I like them so much. I tend to give people in such organizations lots of slack because I know the types of people that gravitate to the arts. Most small arts organizations are run pretty haphazardly and the level of professionalism is usually sketchy, unlike where I work now in a law firm where any "i" that is not dotted or "t" that is not crossed can result in a multi million dollar liability. So, the relaxed attitude in the arts can be refreshing but on the flip side can allow for less than pristine behavior. I am glad you are going to stand up for yourself!

Tempting as it would be to make your boss feel terrible and walk away, you said you still work to earn some extra money. You need to weigh up how important this is to you and your chances of getting work elsewhere. I am the sort of person that would react badly to this and have some sort of meltdown but you sound a nice, kind sort of person to help out doing something you hate. I would then regret losing my extra money so think carefully how you react.

I wasn't planning to walk away! I would like to continue working for this organization. Do you think that if I told my boss that I saw her email, I'd get fired?

I think I should show you the wording I was planning to use. Please let me know what you think of it.

"Today you sent a message to Christa and some other seARTS people about helping at last night’s event. I was cc’d on it. It said, “Clare's work is mostly behind the scenes now. She falls apart in public and gets confused - so I only asked her to be there in desperation.”

I have only this to say:

In 2010, I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. People with this condition have a lot of trouble and distress in coping with crowds, noise and multiple distractions. This condition has plagued my entire working and personal life, and I never knew I had it until 2010.

I kept doing front desk duty at seARTS events because I didn’t want anyone to know. People don’t always react well to this sort of thing. But now I need for you to understand that I have a genuine disability.

Clare"

I am quite prepared to hear whatever you think, so don't hold back, and lay it on me!

Thanks,

Clare

******
You're very perceptive. I am definitely used to put-downs in my life, because all my life, nobody knew I had AS. They all assumed my "weird" behavior was my fault. The names they called me would take up a whole page, but among those words were "demented," "stupid," "kind of a nut," and "dopey." So I think this is why, at first, I was too forgiving of what my boss did.

My boss has no idea I have a disability, but that does not excuse her making such a terrible remark to all those people. Some of them are friends of mine and she has tarnished my image.

I will say something to her via email. Just have to think carefully before I write and send the message.

Clare, you seem fantastic, and that reply you have is extremely tactful. It lets your boss know what she did was wrong, and not in an insulting/revenge sort of way. Now if you send that and she does not apologize, you would be completely justified in getting on that soap-box with whirlingmind, letting a bit of that rage show. What she did was unprofessional, but to keep cool and handle it tactfully is going to give her more guilt than getting in her face and slapping her with AS.

I'm trying really hard to understand what's wrong with her boss's message, but it's difficult; if I were in that situation, I'd be less insulted by what she said (provided it's the truth and I know it) and more afraid for my job; is she about to fire me because I can't do crowds well? I would probably be bothered by the fact that she pulled the usual NT crap and didn't ever bother to tell me to my face, "You have a problem with X and I need you to work hard to fix it", but if I were to see that message, my reaction probably wouldn't be one of hurt or insult; everything that's written there is fact based. Christina is good at dealing with crowds and is therefore a good person for the job: fact. The fact that Clare struggles with crowds means she's a less than ideal person for the job: fact. An employer won't take someone for a job who they know will struggle with it unless they have no other choice: fact. I understand that this was an apparently unacceptable thing for the boss to say, and for that my sympathies go out to the OP, certainly, but I don't understand, logically why it was an unnaceptable thing to say. The way in which the negative phrases were written does not especially strike me as cruel or uneccessarily unkind, simply truthful. If her boss had said something to the effect of, "She's a total spaz and can't deal with crowds, and her brain flies out the window," then yeah, that would definitely be insulting and uncalled for.

If she was so relaxed about sharing your shortcomings to your friends/coworkers, can you honestly trust that she wouldn't share your diagnosis to same people in a future similar situation?

High-brow or low-brow insults...that's just semantics. In fact the more high-brow insults are often from the cleverer people who are even more aware of what they are doing and use it artfully - which only makes it worse, and this is why you are having trouble deciphering it. When I had my WAIS test I came out as superior on the vocabulary side, so I can see what's going on easily. The fact that this derogatory information was disseminated to a variety of colleagues compounds it grossly. Why should we be used to being insulted and therefore take every additional insult as par for the course? You don't have to use terms like "spaz" to be insulting and demeaning towards someone.

I don't think that your boss knowing of your AS is necessary Clare. You don't need to "apologise" for your deficits by explaining that it's because of a condition. Irrespective of the cause of your traits, what she did was not acceptable. If you were a shy person, who had the same reaction in that situation, would that make your deficits any less valid? No, because that would still be how you are wired (either literally or metaphorically) and you shouldn't need to divulge confidential information to get her to understand.

That bit:



was to Mikassyna, but it's ironic (sadly so) that you felt it applied to you too.

Would you personally feel, that even if this incident was smoothed out with your boss, every time you worked for them you would be feeling that little bit of humiliation and being judged, whether your colleagues were talking about you etc. (irrespective of whether they knew about your AS)? You need to approach this with a view not only to this immediate incident, but to how things are likely to be in the future (and how you want them to be).

Mikassyna has a good point about privacy above. I has assumed this was a momentary lapse of tact on her part rather than an ongoing series of poor behaviour. Is the truth somewhere in the middle?

I have had confidential information discussed about me at work and it is very unpleasant. Higgie, if there are ramifications of this disclosure reaching the public domain, which could affect your future then careful consideration is due.

As this conversation on the forum has progressed is does seem that you are less than satisfied with your treatment in this job. There is a chance that your resentment is coming to a peak over this incident, on the other hand WhirlingMind, you could be fanning the flames here.

I feel too much onus is being attached to the word desperation. In context the desperation is not directly attributed to you or your skills Higgie. The issue is that no one else was available. It seems that a substitute would have been the preferred choice for all concerned.

I have worked around arts people and know that a bit of drama is more than essential but they are usually open minded too. It really would not have taken much to re-word this in a much more sympathetic manner. Ignore the positive comment to the other worker, which is a given as she is new, this just seems to emphasise any imbalance. There are also many more effective ways of dealing with this situation, the first and best would have been to discuss if there were anyways to reduce the stress for you and then offering support.

If you do feel that this behaviour should be challenged then I would like to suggest that you have a bit of thinking time. Often a little distance from the seat of the fire can provide a different perspective.

Last edited by neilson_wheels on 30 May 2013, 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Which I have addressed by giving some balance too. I wouldn't want anyone to take an action based solely on my advice, especially as I wasn't there myself. But it does sound as if Clare has been put upon, and has been reticent in speaking up for herself, so they have continued to use her. My opinion and advice is not the only one on the thread, there is more than enough difference of opinion for Clare to take into perspective and make her choice on, based on what is comfortable to her.

I don't believe too much onus has been placed on use of the word desperate. It is clearly stated that she didn't feel Clare was up to the task and that she had no other choice but to ask her as there was no-one else available. This means Clare was the last resort, and had anyone else been available she would not have even thought of asking her. Is that a nice way to view someone? As a last resort? Pointing out their 'faults' to a group of colleagues? Whilst maintaining an all-is-well and I like you approach to the victim? Why could the boss not have said directly to Clare "I understand this is not your favourite task, and that you find it challenging, I do appreciate you helping out but I'm aware it might get overwhelming, so I will ask colleagues (which she could do in front of Clare) to keep an eye out and assist where necessary"?

Whirling Mind I think your opinion is just as valid as mine, as is everyone else here too.

I do feel that if you re-read my post, most of the questions that you have posed above have already been answered.

*****

Hi, again, everybody. The event took place last night. The president of the organization, James, picked me up at my place and we drove there. As we drove he said, "I'm so glad you're joining us tonight because you interact with members so well." And he was one of the people who had received that awful message. (P.S. He has confidentially told me in the past that he hates the way my boss runs the organization.)

During the event I did okay. I was on Paxil and it wasn't too upsetting and there wasn't much to do, because Christa was there after all, in addition to one other volunteer. At one moment my boss (the one who sent that message) stepped up to the podium to talk about some of our organization's upcoming events. Then -- get this -- she praised me for all my help with that night's event and said it couldn't have happened without me, and everybody applauded. (I had done 90% of the work for this event, all of it behind the scenes.) I was still feeling so bitter that her compliments didn't make me feel good.

I have read all of the postings and everyone has made very valid points. My initial reaction to that message was intense hurt and anger, and I wanted to strike back. But we should never act on such feelings. We should, as one poster advised, take our time and think it through. I don't know this boss very well personally and I have no idea how she'd react if I told her I have AS. We all know that sometimes when we "come out," it turns out to be a mistake and we get hurt. If I tell her, I may end up regretting it.

So I won't do anything right now, but I want to thank everyone for all their input. I don't know what I would do without this discussion forum. It's wonderful to have a place to go for such important advice. Thanks to all.

Clare

Sounds as if she definitely knew that you'd been cc'd in and this was her way of addressing it. I wonder if some colleagues who received the message told her they felt she had been unfair...

Anyway, glad the evening went much better than you had feared.

That's entirely possible -- that someone told her she wasn't being very nice, to say the least. Thank you for your kind wishes.