I used to do this, too, when I had the opportunity to go out with other people. Maybe back in 2004 I found I could actually go out to people's houses and enjoy being out but I had to bring something to keep me occupied, like chenille stems to make animals or yarn to knit. That way I wasn't using up social energy that I do not have much of. I was there, but not there. When I tried to be normal and not bring these escapes, I found myself always wishing to be home, yet when I was home I wanted to be out. Now I go out all the time but not to socialize, just to buy groceries and go to appointments, these are not fun nor do I look forward to doing them, I wish there was a chance for me to spend time with someone just having an adventure. My sister can invite me out and we'll have a fine time, but by the end I must get home or be sick inside from being around too many people.
Recently I went to a church potluck and I was social and enjoyed my time, but this difference was due to anxiety and depression medication and I'm not sure how long I could have kept up the charade. It doesn't feel natural to me to be at a social gathering behaving like everyone else. If it was, why do I feel so drained afterward?
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Let us comfort each other, and move tenderly when we are able. Let us hold hands and walk bravely, or fearfully together; for as long as there is Love, there is Hope, that everything will be okay, including the things we say are not.
26 Jun 2013, 2:06 pm
