Autism and Abuse

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It wasn't just the autistic ones, it's the Tourettes and tic related ones too.

My mom will snap at me to stop if I start stimming and if I start ticking, the only thing they try to do is make me stop. I'm considering medication, but then my dad will try to meddle with me about it. Downside to having Asian parents

Sorry, I interpreted this from your sentence **Why is it that sometimes in discussions like this, when offering up factual historical information about one's life, do some people respond on an emotional level with the hugs and reassurances?**

I was responding to your word "factual" but realise that wasn't where you were heading...

Yes... my mother would say things like "why can't you act normal" etc.
That is the least of abuse

The first thing i think of with the title of this post is that i am a target, people could easily manipulate me as i have been told i'm naive. So i am paranoid of almost everyone it seems.
People want to take advantage of others... Other people just show no compassion for others, it makes me sad..

Ah, okay.

As far as what you were saying, I think a bigger problem than the possibility of confabulation is the tendency to not take abuse seriously, or dismiss it. Right now I know a woman in an abusive situation whose friends essentially dumped her because she didn't do what they told her to do, as if she wants to be in that situation as opposed to not being able to get out of it.

I think the legal system has been exposed to false or exaggerated claims of abuse in the past. But this is mostly vindictive spouses who want a restraining order on their ex-husbands and plant ideas in their children's heads about abuse that never happened. As a result the sole testimony of a victim recounting events, often many years in the past, without corroborating evidence is difficult.

In addition the testimony of a person with a mental illness about alleged abuse makes things even more difficult. This is particularly of concern where the victim is non-verbal or intellectually handicapped.

Last edited by cyberdad on 21 Jul 2013, 3:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wow. My experience was nothing near that bad.

My parents believed in DISCIPLINE. I got spankings, groundings, etc. I never got one I didn't do something to deserve, and honestly, I could have used more than I got because they let me get away with a lot of stuff they shouldn't have (making excuses to not do my chores, etc.). However, when it came to behavior in public, they didn't put up with much, and it didn't take much for me to realize if I acted in an inappropriate manner in public (when I had been taught how to act), I would be punished for it.

Of course, the way my issues affected me had more to do with emotional coping and school. The abuse I got at school for not being like everyone else is why I did poorly. Back then, experts focused on learning disorders and neurological damage, not "autism," and anything less than full-blown autism wasn't really a concern in those days.

One day, I brought a miniature chess board to school so that I could play with the only friend I had. Since we were doing it during class, a teacher confiscated it. When the time came for me to leave class because my mom was taking me to the orthodontist, the teacher came with me to hand it over to her. If that wasn't bad enough, a week or so before the special ed teacher was out, so rather than go back to our regular classes, we stayed in the room and played with stuff for the time we would have been there. None of us really thought much of it, and we weren't told to go right back to our regular classes. Well, that teacher somehow found out my mom was there to pick me up and managed to meet up and have a few words over my "inappropriate behavior."

When mom got me in the car, she screamed at me that I had better not make her and dad pay for more visits with the shrink (a quack who did nothing to help me).

This was a common theme in my life. I know they cared in their own way, but it's like Bill Cosby jokes, "When you're a parent you don't care about justice...what you want is quiet." So long as they could focus on doing what it took to keep the household going, they were okay. They didn't want to be bothered with "drama."

So, I made sure I clamped down on my "eccentric" behavior in every way I could. Make no waves. Don't rock the boat. Don't give them a reason to get upset at me. Just as I did in therapy. They didn't care about the fact that I was being abused at school...they wanted my grades to improve, and the quack of a child psychologist did nothing to gain my trust or explore why I was having problems in school. He say I had a borderline genius IQ and no obvious learning disabilities. He told my parents I was just lazy and suggested punishing me until I resolved to bring my grades up. Well, it worked. I worked to get my grades up so I'd stop being punished and no longer had to see that a**hole who did nothing to get to why I was struggling in school.

Maybe if they knew more about AS...maybe if I got a therapist who actually was interested in learning WHY I had problems in school rather than bill for the hour and move on to the next kid...maybe if my parents were more interested in making sure I was "happy" and less concerned about how much material needs were being provided for.

All the "maybes" amount to nothing in the end, but it could have been worse, right?

[

I think there's a cultural mythology about "vindictive wives" and "planting ideas about abuse" but I don't think that happens nearly as often as some apparently believe it does. My experience has been more that people don't believe it or ignore it or make excuses for it or find some way to make the target of said abuse at fault for the abuse.



I don't think this is so much the case as it might be believed. An issue for non-verbal targets of abuse is their ability to communicate what's happening, and there are many cases of autistic children who are unable to explain what's being done to them. There have been a couple of cases of parents giving recording devices to their children to record teacher abuse because it was really happening and because they weren't believed. In another case, a woman doing her internship was kicked out of the program and experienced severe repercussions because she identified that the teacher she was working with was abusing the autistic students she was supposed to be teaching.

Going back to "vindictive spouses" convincing their children of abuse that never happened, that reminds me of a proposed diagnosis called "parental alienation syndrome," which appears to primarily exist for legal reasons, for use in custody hearings to discredit reports of parental abuse or find explanations other than abusive behavior for why a child may hate one parent but not another. I also recall reading about a case in which a psychiatrist promoting PAS (not the guy who came up with it) used that to leverage the court into requiring visitation rights for an ex-husband that really was abusive, and that the mother was in the position of having to send her children off to visitations or risk jail. Her son committed suicide rather than spend time with his father.

Given how much abuse really does happen, how much has been documented, and what I have heard from other abuse survivors (directly as in told to me, or indirectly as read in articles or on a forum) I don't think the problem is that mentally ill targets of abuse are actually really not credible or that children are convinced to hate one of their parents or otherwise are busily building false memories. I think the problem is that abuse is not taken seriously enough still and many people still look for ways to rationalize things so that the abuse didn't really happen, and that perhaps the targets of said abuse are exaggerating or possibly lying, intentionally or otherwise.

Oh God yes, I was abused throughout my childhood and into my teens. I'm 50 years old now so when I was a kid Autism and Aspergers were practically unheard of, so no-one knew there was anything medically wrong with me. But I was obviously weird enough to be constantly bullied at school, Leaving school at 16 was a huge relief for me because it meant an end to the bullying. My teachers were not so bad, I used to get into trouble for being 'lazy' in class etc, but that wasn't a big deal. For the most part though, they were pretty fine with me. I suspect they had an inkling of what I was going through so were a bit more forgiving of my shortcomings.

You see it was the Abuse at home that was the worst. My father was a violent and abusive drunk. I would be beaten just about every day, often for the flimsiest of reasons. Usually it was because I wasn't the 'Real Man' he wanted me to be. He hated my sensitivity, my artistic nature, my tendency to be quiet and un-talkative, my clumsiness and social awkwardness, and he did everything to beat it out of me. I didn't know it at the time but many of the things I got beaten for were aspects of my Aspergers. Back then though he didn't know that, he just seemed to hate me for everything I was

To give an idea of how bad he was, here are a couple of incidents that really stick in my mind to this day:

When My brother had his tenth birthday, my mother came running upstairs crying, saying that our Granddad (her father) had just died, he told her quite nastily, to stop crying cause it wouldn't bring him back. later that morning after my brother had opened his birthday presents, we both started to cry over our Granddad, cause we wouldn't see him again. My 'father' gave us both a beating with his slipper for crying, because according to him, crying is for sissies. Wonderful way for my brother to remember his tenth birthday!

A few years later when I was 14, My father was giving me one of his beatings at the top of the stairs, during which I lost my balance, and fell head over heels all the way down to the bottom of the stairs. My dad immediately came running down the stairs, not to see if I was alright, but to finish giving me my beating. He was literally kicking me in the ribs as I lay there, shouting abuse at me the whole time.

Probably because of my ASD, I didn't really have many friends, but my brother was a year younger and I was always hanging out with him and his friends. And none of them would ever come round to our house - because they were so afraid of my father, such was his reputation for being a violent ogre. He used to brag about beating 'respect' into us but all he did was beat fear and loathing into me.

And it wasn't just Physical abuse, he was very good at psychological abuse too. Dad was a master at using sarcastic and belittling language that would make us feel two inches tall. Everything I did was criticised and dismissed as stupid or sissy. When everyone else was praising me for being such a talented artist at such a young and precocious age, my father was trying to beat it out of me because real men don't do art, and he didn't want me to be some queer artist!

To this day I still hate him for all that he did to me as a child and would not shed a single tear if he died tomorrow. The kids who bullied me I long since forgave - they were just stupid kids who didn't know the damage they were doing. A parent should know better, and in all these years he has never once shown any sign of regret for what he did.

A long term effect of the abuse, was that or years I thought my social phobia etc was a direct result of the abuse I suffered as a child. It was my opinion that the combination of physical violence and belittling language had robbed me of my self confidence, and left me a nervous wreck. As a result, I never for one moment thought there was any other explanation for the way I was, and never sought one. Even when I was diagnosed fifteen years ago with social phobia disorder, I just put it down to the aftermath of an abusive childhood. Unlike many on here I had never wondered about my weirdness since I already had a logical explanation for it. So when my sons consultant suggested I might have some Autism too, I was completely taken by surprise by it.

If it hadn't been for his legacy, I might have been more curious about my difficulties and sought answers sooner. An earlier diagnosis could have made a big difference to many difficult situations.

Now of course I can see how it all fits in, how my ASD was the reason for all that bullying and abuse. How it was the main reason for my having such a lonely and confusing life. And how it made keeping a full time job without ending up a nervous wreck. My dad's violence probably still had a big part to play of course. It doesn't matter if you are ASD or NT, that kind of abuse is always going to leave mental scars. But since I can't go back and change the past, I guess we will never know how I would have turned out without that abuse.

Now I won't tolerate abuse of any kind, I never hit my own kids, and try my best to be as kind and understanding as I can. I would certainly never dream of trying to stop my son from stimming, or to change his ASD behaviour (so long as it doesn't harm him or others of course). And I can't bear to see other people bullied or made miserable by other peoples actions.

I'm sorry I babbled on for so long, once I got started it just sort of all came out!

Logically, I know that reassurances and "hugs" alone will not change the past nor the consequences of it; I am under the impression, however, that kind words can help the ease the pain or at least provide a bit of comfort to some individuals, and, as I cannot anticipate in advance which individuals would benefit from it, I tend to err on the side of being too reassuring too often just in case those words may make somebody's day just a bit cheerier. I naturally want to "fix" the situation; if I could ensure that nothing negative ever happened to anybody ever again, I would. However, I do not have that power, so I try to "fix" the consequences.

In the past, I have been comforted by people telling me that they were genuinely concerned about what I experienced (especially as there were many times that I was simply told "get over it" (like when my best friend, an actual human being, died)), so I tend to assume that my concern would comfort others. Why this comforts me, I do not know; I assume that the fact that somebody would wish for my happiness makes me feel valued as a person.

One may wonder why I feel the need to comfort others at all, especially as I know that it can only do so little. In my case, it may be a bit of a projection mechanism; I have psychological pain myself, so, in (hopefully) helping to at least slightly lessen the pain of others, I am reassuring myself. As I am deeply saddened by what I read, hear, and see at times, I feel inclined to (at least try to) add a bit of compassion to the situation to "balance out" the sadness.

I am sorry if this did not make much sense; it's sometimes difficult for me to explain my emotional aspects logically.

Last edited by WerewolfPoet on 20 Jul 2013, 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you for the response and it did make sense. I don't really expect logical explanations of emotions because often that just doesn't work.

I want to take another stab at the question why people try to provide emotional support upon hearing something factual that sounds painful to go through.

I think there are two ways to respond to the experience of pain, including being mistreated and abused. You either don't care/go after others (and when someone steps on your injured limb, slams the door in your face, whatever, you realize that don't care and trying to hurt aren't terribly different) or you choose to take a different path through life and try to make your own and other people's lives better where you can, even just a little bit.

So to me, this is a logical thought out pattern, as well as something emotional, and a better choice to make. Think about it, you may decide it does make some sense after all.

Then again, it's also the case that others won't necessarily choose to do the same for you. And you may not find it's worth it.

I do try to make things better for others, and not pile on more bad after bad. I agree that not caring is not much different from trying to hurt, and it pains me to see how often people try to hide behind excuses like "not caring" or "intent" when the results are important.

Yes, I assumed you were sincere in your question. This is Wrongplanet after all, literal minds should be free to express ourselves, that's why I chose to risk sharing my opinion. If I helped you find an answer that makes sense to you then I am glad.

The legal system is bound to place the burden of proof on the person making the accusation. Since there have been cases where i) wives have coached their children to make false claims of abuse against ex-partners and ii) people make claims of abuse that are part of a delusion or an attempt to gain attention iii) many years after the event a victim either has problems recounting the events clearly or develop false memories of what actually took place.

I need to stress the examples I gave are certainly in the minority, unfortunately the legal system has to ensure the cases against the alleged perpetrators are water tight. This opens up problems, particularly where the victim is 50 yrs old and is recounting abuse when they were toddlers and the abusers are now old age pensioners on death's bed.



This is a major issue for those children and young people who are unable to communicate their abuse, particularly where the abuser is a parent. Parent's of children with autism, aspergers, ADHD etc are often put on a pedestal and are invariably interpreted to be saints to the rest of the community because they look after a child with a "perceived" disability. So when the grown young man or woman with ASD then claims their parent/s were abusive (such as many here on this very forum) the question is what happens next?

I pose this question to those of you stating explicitly their father's or teachers abused them, will you go to the authorities? if not then why?

Yeah, I don't think that false accusations are quite so pervasive that they must be guarded to the point of exceeding the need for reasonable doubt. That kind of story is the kind of thing spread around by fathers' rights and men's rights advocates whose activism seems to be primarily focused on demonizing and discrediting women.

As far as going to the authorities about abuse, well, as it turns out, there's all kinds of BS that makes it easy for targets of abuse to be discredited. Additionally, there is not always legal recourse. I did actually call the police on my mother's ex, but the police refused to come, stating that it was a "domestic matter." They did finally show when the neighbors called the police while he was attacking my mother, after I had left home.

Have you ever been in an abusive situation? It seems to be a bit better these days (but people still believe that false accusations are common enough to be a serious problem ), but overall it is extremely difficult to get anyone to take you seriously. Or if they do, many then expect you to follow their plan for getting out whether it is feasible or not, and take it out on you for not doing so.

I am also not arguing from a legalistic "this is what happens in a court of law" point of view, so I am not going to attack or defend anything on that basis. My stance is: Targets of abuse have significant enough problems being believed and taken seriously, so I will usually take such statements at face value, until further evidence - if any - presents itself.

Still, here's a paper on how false accusations of sexual abuse in divorce proceedings are not nearly as pervasive as some believe:

http://www.omsys.com/mmcd/courtrev.htm

And that's as far as I want to go with this line of discussion.

Good question, and very valid. I've always been afraid of my father, even into my 40's, so was afraid to speak up against him. Now at 50 I have no fear of him, but see no point in dragging up the past.

As a child I always prayed that my Dad would be found out by the authorities, or even better that my mum would divorce him and start a new life without him. but no-one had the guts to stand up to him or expose him for what he was

I think the biggest reason I've kept quiet though is to protect my mother, I just don't want to expose her to the public humiliation of her husband being exposed for what he is. Not a very good reason I know, but I love my mum and don't want to see her suffer for his crimes.

He is going senile now, which makes confronting now him a bit pointless anyway, which is a shame because I think I finally have the courage to face him.